I am just starting to come out at the age of 28. I've sort of known I'm gay since I was 17 but I have tried to avoid it. I feel quite guilty about this because I have always fiercely defended gay rights both personally and in political activism, yet I have avoided being honest about my own sexuality and I have felt sad at times about being gay because of the sense that I've lost something in terms of being able to have a conventional life. I also have to face up to the fact that it is a lot harder to actually be potentially on the receiving end of prejudice and lack of rights myself instead of just fighting it on behalf of others (as I've supposedly been so far). This makes me feel hypocritical and homophobic. I also feel very angry that I have felt this way about my sexuality and that I am living in a time period when gay people have so many rights but are still talked about in the media and by people in terms of "how far is too far" in letting gay people have the same rights as straight people. I have finally got tired of being in the closet and I've started trying to come out. I have told members of my Acting Group and joined a local Gay Book Group and I do find it a relief each time I do something towards coming out but I am still terrified of coming out to my parents (my brother knows). My Mum is fully supportive of gay rights but has commented in the past that it would make her sad if one of her children was gay because they would face prejudice and it is hard for people who are gay. My Dad is always in theory in favour of gay rights but some of his attitudes and comments have led me to believe that he is not as tolerant as he likes to make out. I have always found it difficult to disappoint my parents and I really don't want to have some really awkward coming out coversation. I have no-one I can really talk to about this. I feel like I started to make progress with coming out and now I have stalled.
I can entirely relate to everything that you've written. I've known that I was gay since high school, however managed to shove it way back in the corner of my mind until recently (the last year or so). I was always the guy fighting for gay rights, never expecting that the person that I'd be fighting on behalf of would actually be me - my closet was made of steel . I can relate to feeling hypocritical and homophobic when you realize that the person on the receiving end of the discrimination could actually be you and you're ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIED. However, you then quickly come to realize (at least I did) that feeling these things isn't at all hypocritical or homophobic - it's the people that are making you feel this way that are, the fact that the rights aren't there, etc. I think that the reaction of your Mum will be supportive - she's mentioned that it will be hard for one of her children to be gay, and she's (sadly) right. I don't sense any sort of judgement or hate of gay people from her, just an expression of the reality that life in this heteronormative world is harder for gay people than straight. Hopefully at some point that can change, but it is what it is for now.
Thank you for your comments, RainbowMan. I have paraphrased some of this in a new post but you've made some really good points. I'm certain that the reaction of my Mum (and Dad, sadly I'd think he'd be more upset if my brother was gay than he is likely to be about me) and in all likelihood my extended family too. My straight best friend looks exactly like a lesbian stereotype and I'm fairly certain that most of my extended family have leapt to the right conclusions about me for the wrong reasons and think that she's my girlfriend. It's just that I have a really strong sense that we're all living in the past when it comes to the experience of being gay and I feel that it just shouldn't be so hard!
