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At breaking point

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Robbo27, Sep 23, 2013.

  1. Robbo27

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    Where to start.. I'm in the closet, big time, and life sucks at the moment. I think I'm probably bi.

    I know it sounds cheesy, but I love my best friend. I love him more than anything in this world and all I want to do is be with him and hug him. It's tearing me up inside and making studying impossible. It's not even a sexual thing, I just wish he was as into me as I am into him....

    I have no-one to speak to and I'm at breaking point bottling everything up.. What can I do? Any advice? Anyone I can talk to?

    Thanks to anyone who reads this I can't take bottling it up anymore
     
  2. yep

    yep
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    I know the feeling. You've just got to keep your head up!

    The big question right now is is your best friend at all gay or bi? If he is, you may want to try talking to him about your feelings. He'll probably understand and be able to help you through everything!
     
  3. bscott92

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    I would tell him...but I wouldn't tell him that you have any feelings for him beyond friendship. I realized a long time ago that I was using my best friend as a place holder for the relationships I wasn't having because I couldn't accept who I was. When I told him, his first response was, "And?" That's why he's my best friend.
     
  4. Yossarian

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    Why don't you approach your friend, give him a big hug, and tell him that he is your best friend and you really feel happy that you found him. Then see what he says. I hug people all the time when I feel like they could use one, and no one has ever reacted negatively to me. The worse thing that would probably happen is that you get the hug you want. If he is majorly homophobic and freaks out, he probably isn't the guy for you long term anyway, so you would need to get him out of your system and move on. You might get lucky and find he cares for you too, as more than a friend, but don't count on it or hold it against him if he isn't.
     
  5. Mirko

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    Hi there, and welcome to Empty Closets! :slight_smile:

    You started talking about your feelings and sexual identity, which is a great first step!

    Given that you have indicated that you are questioning, brought on by your feelings/attraction to your friend, I would suggest to give yourself the time you need to figure your feelings out and what they might mean. Try to explore them.

    What might help you is to try talking to a school counselor who in their own ways can give you that security of opening up about your feelings/attractions. Knowing that the four walls of his or her office will keep all what you say/reveal concealed, might help you to start thinking about things at a deeper level. Also, it might me worth checking out if your school has a LGBT support group that you could join or at least look up for some contact information if you wanted to talk with a couple of people individually.

    As it was mentioned above, if or should you decide to come out to your friend as 'questioning,' try not to let on that you are having feelings for him. Coming out and coming to terms with what all of the feelings mean can be in itself (and as you have realized) stressful and at times bring on an emotional roller coaster ride. Take it one step and one day at a time. (*hug*)
     
  6. Robbo27

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    Thanks for all the warm advice. I have no idea about his sexuality, but I do know that being gay where I live is very hard. I come from a VERY rural area รจ.g. My best friend doesn't even have mains electricity. The opinions are even more backwards...

    The more I think about my sexuality, the harder it gets. Night times are the worst times, I just want to break down and cry :icon_sad:
     
  7. sam the man

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    The best thing I can say for that is just try not to think about it. Easier said than done, but if you can let go of the label mentality then I'm sure your attractions will announce themselves with time and a little life experience. Speaking from experience, the more you think about it, the crazier and more outlandish your ideas get until there's no point even trying to think about what you are b/c it's too ambiguous. I don't think it's an issue that you can think/rationalise your way around... it just is what it is.
     
  8. hitgirl

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    Totally done that! Starting the coming out process has helped with it for me.

    You said you're 'probably bi'. My advice is first to come out to yourself. Try to figure out whether you're gay, bi, straight, pansexual, or another label, or whether you don't want a label. There's no rush - take your time if you want to!

    Then, if you figure you are anything other than straight, choose someone you know is gay-friendly and will be supportive, and come out to them first. I read this online and followed the advice - it was great.

    Maybe come out to your friend, but don't tell him about your feelings (unless maybe he comes out back). Romantic feelings between any two friends can really confuse or ruin a friendship. If he's straight you might as well keep it to yourself and you will get over it eventually. If it turns out he's gay or bi, then decide whether to risk the friendship with a bit of flirting, hinting, or outright announcing your feelings.

    Also, I noticed you said you were 'probably bi' and that your feelings for your friend weren't sexual, but intense. I think it's great that you're putting your romantic or platonic feelings before sexual feelings, because starting with the sexual attraction doesn't necessarily lead to a good relationship - love and compatibility is a good place to start, I think! However, I have felt a strong platonic connection to people before (opposite sex), ended up going out with them and then later realised that I was confusing my strong feelings of friendship for romantic or sexual attraction. It's okay to love your friends, maybe like you would a sibling, you don't have to go out with them :slight_smile:

    Hope this helps, I know I'm saying a lot of conflicting things, just rambling about stuff your post made me think of and hoping something in it will be of use to you!
     
  9. SilverMist111

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    Ow. I bet you can't sleep either, right? Like, at all.

    My advice would be try to distract yourself, and try not to think about it in the sense that you are preoccupied with other thoughts.

    Maybe throw yourself into schoolwork, or read a book. Don't give yourself an opportunity to retreat into your mind.

    Yes, I realize this is easier said than done, if it makes you feel any better, I got distracted with my own affections for a friend during a big chemistry test, and I probably failed it. :slight_smile:
     
  10. GArchi1992

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    Hey,

    Try not to over think your sexuality too much. I know that is often easier said than done. But when you over think things they tend to seem a lot worse than what they actually are. You just have to remember that there is no rush to come out at all. You don't have to tell anyone if you don't want. After all, its your sexuality and only can decide when the time is right to tell people. Try to put the thought of it to the back of your mind for now and throw yourself into something different to take your mind off things. I often find that the best way to deal with a bad situation is to preoccupy your mind with something else that you really enjoy. I found that when I wasn't ready to come out, i spent most of my time in my bedroom tirelessly working on projects for uni and looking for other things to do in my spare time, whether it was working or playing sports. Just anything to take my mind off things.

    I'm sure you will figure things out, it just takes time to get there. Remember, that you don't have to do anything you don't want to just yet. Take your time and everything will be fine in the end. Even if it doesn't seem like it right now. Good luck :slight_smile::slight_smile::slight_smile: