I really don't know what to say.Im drained emotionally by the constant feeling of confusion, guilt and down right helpless.And it's all bought on by myself.I am a mother of 2 small children and have been in a long term relationship with my kids dad for over 9 years.He was my first love and the one I thought would make me feel complete.We look like the perfect couple from the outside but on the inside we are not we have never had a connection on an emotional level which now I realise is what I've needed.Over the last 3 years I have been questioning my sexuality since re developing feelings for women.I say re as in I have had these feelings before it started when I was 12 I was a big Tom boy I felt like I was a boy inside.I had fooled around at that age with a friend she instigated it and I went along with it just rubbing against each other.recently I found out while with my best friend of 20 years that I had told her I was gay at 12 I don't remember I was told the same thing by my brother that I told him I was gay at 14 nor do I recall that but I do remember coming out as a lesbian when I was 15 while being drunk with friends they just laughed and that was it.I met my kids dad at 18 I told him I was bisexual even though I never been with a woman to make me one.But I had the feelings I'm so embarrassed now knowing I had asked his female friend if she'd sleep with me.God only knows why I asked that.I was very curious he accepted my curiosity but said it was him or breakup which I chose him.He was my rock during my struggle with family my mum was mentally ill at that time of my life.I thought once I had my kids which I had always wanted I'd feel complete but I don't and maybe it's because I didn't live the life I should have.I want the old me back the one who's heart doesn't skip a beat when I'm finding myself attracted to a woman the one who doesn't care what others think.I have been feeling so lost,crying because I can't focus on my family properly.I keep thinking what'd it be like to be with a beautiful woman I could connect with.Ive lost my desire for sex when I make myself do it after weeks of not I break down and cry afterwards feeling like its wrong.He often makes jokes saying I use him as I get very turned on when I make him talk about women describing what there wearing ect.Its the only thing that gets me through it.I love him but don't think in love.Ive tried distancing anything that makes me or reminds me of feelings of women which is all round me.I can't function and I need help! Can som:tears:eone please help me to understand am I gay or just confused?:bang:
Hi soul sister, and welcome. This is a great place to get help and support. I feel your pain and your confusion. I'm currently at the accepting/come out to a few stage. I guess my advice would be this... Listen to your heart. If you can put your hand on your chest bone and say... Who am I? Am I being true to my self? These thoughts are painful because they conflict with your current life. I read recently that we don't choose to be gay, being gay chooses us. We are special people and with courage and determination we can be truelly happy within ourselves and in life.
Looking back on my life I now see the flags to say yup you're gay for sure.But now I have a family a life who thinks I'm someone I may not really be.I don't know if what I'm feeling now is real or a delusion maybe I'm insecure about myself Im searching for myself my trueself I don't know who she is.I know what I like but is it worth causing my loved ones pain on a decision that I'm not 100 percent about.Ive been distracting myself keeping busy but the thoughts are bugging me what if what if.I just don't know what to do
I think you are going to drive yourself insane if you don't find out. Not to mention that if you don't figure it out, your family is still going to suffer, regardless if you mean for them to or not. You are hurting because you are trying to fight your nature and your husband is going to pick up on this, as you push him away, warring with your inner self. At this point, honesty is going to be your best bet, your best friend. You are having a harder and harder time suppressing these feelings and there is nothing wrong with what you are feeling, married or not, mother or not. Sure, you might have taken a harder road, but most of us do. But, if you don't start being honest with yourself and eventually your husband, and you really are at the least bi-sexual or at most a lesbian, your relationship could end badly and end up hurting not only your husband but also your children. Whereas if you are honest about your confusion you have the chance of ending things on good terms with your husband and no one really gets hurt, and things only change for your children. Also, when you aren't true to yourself about who you are, it will eat away at you until you are so miserable and bitter you end up making everyone else around you miserable and bitter. You deserve better and so do they. I wish you the best of luck on your path of self discovery SoulSister, I hope it works out the best possible way for everyone involved.
Hey SoulSister. Gonna start with a disclaimer and say this is my opinion, but I am basing it on my own experiences so it might not be right for you - that's for you to decide. Think back to a few years ago when you chose your partner over a fling with a woman - you wanted him more, right? Well, if you were happy with your current relationship NOW, then you probably wouldn't feel the need to experiment with women - maybe it would just be a bit of a regret that you hadn't had that experience when you were single, but you would not want that experience more than the happiness and love that you had with your current partner. Whether or not you're straight, gay or bi, then you have some stuff to figure out about your relationship if it's making you break down and cry. You can try to work things out with your current partner, maybe for the sake of your kids, or you can end it because you're not happy. Personally, I'd figure out that first - it's not just about your sexuality, it's about whether you are happy with your current situation and what's best for your kids. As for the 'am I gay or just confused' question, why can't you be both? Seriously, though, only you can know the answer to that, but from your post I would say you are at least bi - you've had plenty of feelings for women over the years and there's no reason to discount them. Maybe you're gay, maybe you're just 'off' men at the minute because you're not happy in your current relationship with one - think back to how you've felt about men in the past, including your partner. Were your feelings real or were you just kidding yourself into acting straight? If you have genuinely fancied men and women in your life you're bi in my book, whether or not you are into both at this current moment. And if it helps, I can tell you that I struggled with labeling myself bi for a long time because my attraction to men and women felt different, which made me think that my feelings for women could just be experimental (not helped by the popular idea that a lot of straight women fantasize about women. Maybe they do, but I say that they're probably at least a little bit bi in that case, no matter how they identify!) Just some food for thought.
