Phah. I hate epiphanies. I hate them. I hate them. This is hard... for me, I guess... Long story... So my parents are divorced, since the dawn of (my) time. And my mom HATES my dad and my dad's girlfriend. And my dad is somewhat indifferent to my mom. I lived primarily with my dad for a long long time. Whether he did it on purpose or not, I don't know, but he made my mom pay a lot of money in child support, to the point she lost her nursing license and losing her home. And my dad's girlfriend is a whole new story. She's totally two-faced, and half the time I thought I could trust her and the other half she was pure evil. She really messed with me. I just couldn't live with her. So basically, I pretty much got REALLY depressed. I didn't do anything, because I couldn't concentrate or anything. I never even tried in school after grade four. I ditched during grade nine, smoked cigarettes to pot... I was horrible. I was so depressed. I did depressed-people stuff. And so my dad, understandably, couldn't handle me. I couldn't handle me. After one of my nighttime sad-rants to a friend, her mom called my dad and said she was concerned about me. (I don't grudge her, though. I'm so happy she made that call. She's a true mother.) She also told him about my raging gayness. My dad kept it from me that he knew... Ironically, he was totally fine with it. And that two-faced monkey brain head was too. So one day, after the expensive therapy, they put me on the spot. They told me about my friend's mom's call, and that she told. And I was a bit nervous... But it was a lot easier than doing it myself. And my dad was totally cool with it (although he did make jokes, but not maliciously. I think he was just reeling from it.) So I guess my dad and I had a new bond... It was different. But he kicked me out one night after I came home way late. He told me to go live with my mom. He couldn't take my vrazy behavior anymore (but he didn't mind my sexuality). So I went to live with my mom (I've been here for 2 years) and I couldn't talk to my dad. Since that night, I've made up all my missed school credits, quit smoking, got new friends, reinvented myself. I get A's and B's. I'm charismatic and upbeat all the time. I'm new. But that old Sean is gone, cemented behind a wall of supressed memories. And I can't talk to my dad. He saw me one day walking to school while he was in his car... He pulled up, rolled down the window... I didn't even acknowledge him. I kept my head straight forward, as hard as it was. I kept a stern, maybe emotionless expression. I sealed him off from existence. I sealed him off, at least, to MY existence. So it's been a 2 year dad-embargo. I dunno why. In retrospect, it's horrible. It's sick. I ignored him. I look back, and I realize... He was confused. Stressed. Afraid. He had a suicidal son who couldn't talk to him, who was soaking up his pool of money and who hated him. And now I feel horrible. I feel sick. I know I have to talk to him. But I guess... I just don't know what to say. And part of me doesn't want to. Part of me just wants to cement it away and live in bliss. Because without him, I'm still fine. I can still function. I don't need him. And I'm afraid talking to him will make me regress back, and start so much more drama I don't need. Part of me can't stand the fact of going back to him after what I'd done... After what I thought he'd done maliciously... So I'm stuck. And my dad... He accepted me... for something I can't even admit to my own mom. So my mind is reeling.
Your dad's not going to put you on the spot. He already did that when he mentioned your friend's mom's call. He came to your school to get a glimpse at you. Maybe you should take that as a hint and drop him off a visit and just say that you can't stay for long as you've got so-and-so waiting for you. Ignoring him won't get either one of you anywhere. Talking will. So... talk.
Talk to him! Because otherwise more time will pass and you will regret not having that time with him. You have already let 2 years pass by, don't let anymore pass by. You never know what tomorrow will bring so don't say I will tomorrow because "tomorrow" won't come. He will forgive you for what you have done and I'm sure you can find in your heart to forgive him. I'm sure he just wants some type of relationship with you again. You only have one father. Good luck I know you can do it. Sam
First, congrats on turning your life around! Now, as for what to do. Talk to your dad! Call him, email him. Something. Tell him how you are feeling. Tell him your sorry for all that happened. It is pretty clear that he loves you. He WILL forgive you. You just need to let it out and talk to him. And I don't think you need to worry about going back if you allow him back into your life. Like you said, you're new. The only way you will go back to who you were is if you let yourself. GunStarre is right. To get anywhere, you have to talk. Good Luck!
If you don't think you can talk to your father, write to him. Just tell him how you feel, how much water has passed under the bridge. Explain that because your worst times were when you lived with him, you feel scared to approach him again - even if it wasn't him specifically that was causing your problems. He should understand. Lex
For starters talk to him or write, tell him simply that you are sorry for your behaviour and leave it at that. Ask him if you can turn the page and start again with a clean slate, that you don't want to rehash the past but that you do know that you behaved badly. You speak as if ALL this is entirely your fault! It isn't. Yes, maybe you behaved badly but then maybe your dad could have picked up on the signs earlier, maybe he could have seen the two faced monkey brain for what she is and supported you more. I don't know, I wasn't there but it is sure blame never rests 100% at one person's door. Your dad is probably suffering from your absence in his life. Yes you can function without him and he can function without you but wouldn't your lives be so much richer if you had each other in your lives? Talking to your dad will not necessarily plunge you back in the depression that you experienced 2 years ago. That was 2 years ago, you were a different person then and you dad will certainly do things differently this time round too. You are two years older and have two years more experience of life under your belt. Communication is the key to most solutions. Talk to your dad, you can do this. One last thing; You are NOT the worst son... far from it!
I agree with both Lex and Louise. If you don't think you can have a conversation with him face-to-face then write him a letter and let him know in your letter how you feel and that you have moved on from your past (for which I must congratulate you). It may help you feel better if you apologise to your father for your difficult behaviour in the past too. I don't think it will send you backwards if you start talking to your father again with a clean slate as long as you make it clear that you have moved on. Don't ever think that you are the worst son ever! We all have had our own difficulties in life and have caused much grief for our parents. (*hug*)
You really should talk to him, I doubt it will make you regress since you seem to have gotten over your problems well. But I would test the waters first, maybe a quick call or email. Just to get used to talking to him again, and just gradually start talking to him again until you can apologize, and see what he wants to do from there
Your dad loves you and he's not going to hold anything against you. Everybody else has shouted TALK TO HIM, so i don't feel so original when I suggest the same
