confused, massively down and overanalysing

hey forum, feeling pretty overly anxious at the moment so figured it was time to get my thoughts out to people. im typically a person who overanalyses and overthinks things, bit of a hypochondriac aswel but anyway. just to warn you, havent mentioned this to anyone before really so this could be a very very long post, forgive me as its very self involved. just feel like i need to get out a lot of my thoughts/history. im 19, male, going by the name of jay and i'm from the uk. im also quite blunt..

so yeah, i think i might be gay (or possibly bi). life situation....im in university at the moment, currently seeing a girl who is fit as fuck and i have a great time with but i feel not a lot for. im an atheist and my parents are not religeous...if i came out to them i dont know how they would react...i know they wouldnt disown me but they are quite conservative. i think my dad would jsut kind of accept it relatively quickly and be fine with it. my mum would be a bit more upset and probably demand that i think about it more. her new husband is very conservative in mold 'so many gay people about these days, i wish they would stop shouting about it'. in my home life i have a lot of friends... a long term friend who came out to me when he was about 15 and has since changed a bit, going down the camp route of wearing make up and the like, which i thought unneceessery but i dont really mind. another best friend who had a gay experience and is since really questioning himself, i think its very possible that he is gay but i'm obviously not going to presurrize him into anything. stright male friends who are very gay friendly, female friends who are all gay friendly, all in all a very accepting group. my personal feelings towards it is that i really dnot mind it at all but occasionally i get self conscious if im hanging around with loads of gay people, fealing kind of 'why arent i hanging around with more straight people?'. although i am fine with gay people i would prefer not to be gay for obvious reasons of it being a massive hassle lol, telling everyone, being excluded from certain people (i know straight people who i get on with really well and they are great people but they are quite homophobic so would lose them, although no one that i am really close to that i know of yet), losing the girl im seeing, being treated as differently (not necceserily badly, just differently). im sure theres no point going into that because everyone knows what im talking about

anyway, when i was about 11-13 i was pretty depressed for no apparent reason. saw a psychiatrist which i enjoyed but dunno if it helped, and eventually depression just kind of left - the only change in me was that i was a bit passionless, although still enjoyed things and now rarely thought 'whats the point?'. i remember at one point in my depression though, whilst i was looking for answers, i said to my mum i was worried i might be gay (i dont know why, from what i can tell i have not, until recently, had attraction to guys). the question lingered in my mind and i often dwelled on it but again dont reallyy know why, i guess it was just something that i was worried about because it would change my life. my mum said that it was ok if i was, she would prfer it if i wasnt but that she would still love me if i was, but to give it more time because i was so young and had a confused mind. good advice, i tried to ignore it and eventually got on with things. was always attracted to girls and was a typical guy in staring at them although never dated until i was about 16, and first experiences werentt particularly great, was never massively into the girl had a few things though that were good and was always thinking about girls. lost my virginity at 17 to a girlfriend (amy) of 9 months who again, i thought was fit but never really felt anything for. the relationship, therefore, was mainly sex based and i continued it because i figured it woudl be good for me to use it as a learning curve for being aruond girls and becoming accomplished in sexual matters

at one point i broke up with her because i thought i prefered another girl and that things could start off there, but after breaking up with her i realised that i didnt want to be with the other girl and went back to the girlfriend. as usual, placed it down to not feeling anything personality wise and missing the ex. the reason me and amy broke up eventually is because of me going off to uni and her backing out of the relationship because i didnt want a long term. i missed her but saw it as a good thing because figured i could now get with other girls. had a one night stand and also started liking this other girl. a lot. probably the girl who in my life i have liked the most. a few things happened with her but again because of uni and other things, things didnt work between us

in uni, typically i got with a lot of girls during the first few weeks, although not sleeping with them. one of the girls, harriet (the current girl) somehow got into us being in a couple in the first term of uni (even though i have massive commitment issues with girls, i dont like being in relationships because i feel like i dont feel much for the girl and i could be missing out on being young and free). plus i was still hoping something woudl happen with the girl back home that i met just before uni. but anyway, things happened and got in a relationship. but at the same time, in uni i started noticing guys. even though, throughout life ive always had worries that i might be gay, and before university i could tell if a guy was good looking or not, i never felt attraction to them. i am into health so always bought health magazines, and wanted to have a body liek the guys in it. but again never felt any attraction to them (even up until age 18). but suddenly in uni, rather than being able to tell that a guy was good looking, its like i began to 'know' that a guy is good looking and be envious of it. this feeling was accompanied by one i havent felt before (and the one that is the biggest worry to me), a kind of heavy feeling over my heart and my breathing becomes somethign i have to focus on. over the year this feeling has intensified, not just to good looking guys but to pretty much everyr guy i see. i always get it when i am talking to new guys i dont know, however they look, and whenever something gay is happeing. ive become very self conscious about my behaviour in case it somehow indicates that i am gay. and i dont feel comfortable talking to gay people that i dont know. i dont avoid them but i just dont want to talk to them for any length of time, seemingly self-homophobia, obviously im very scared about it

kind of ignored things and figured everything will sort itself out i time, going one way or another. but in the last 2-3 months things have feeling got weird lol. i broke up with my gf (who i live in the same accomodation) and we had all shared friends who were quite a compact group, we spent most of our time together. because she was the victim in the breka up they took her side and i felt like i should get out and meet new friends. the guys on my course i met were cool and started hanging out with them more, fine. but whenever i was with them, i got weird feelings, like that heart/breathing feeling. sometimes it got really intense and my mind was like 'shitting hell your in love with him' but then kind of went. happened a few times over the next few months, particularly with really good looking guys that i saw and i felt really uncomfortable about it. i got back with the gf (not at all because of the feelings i had, it just kind of happened. i enjoyed the sex and the comfort of having someone there. yes im probably a bad person but i figured as long as i treated her well and was a good bf, it doesnt matter). the last 2-3 weeks especially have been very intense, which is frustrating because this is exam season

not only did i start gettin feelings of 'holy shit you really might be gay/bi. but i also started going off girls quite a bit. when i saw good looking girls and guys i always kind of can tell that both are attractive, but i find the guy more attractive than the girl. the girl is 'pretty/hot' but not something that i really wanted whilst the guy was hot. this worried me more and its got so abd in the last week that during sex with my gf i started thinking 'do i really find her attractive' and got really distracted by it. That’s when I started imagine that I was doing stuff with a guy aswel and cant quite work out whether I find it great or not, but in any case I cant get itt out of my mind now!

The last week has been one that I have been pertty depressed in. its really affected my revision (which wasnt going well anyway, ive never been particularly motivated) and just general behaviour, loss of interest in doing anything really, my prefered day is spent in bed doing nothing, with or without hari there. i do like he being there, shes a great friend aswel and a massive comfort, but felt weird and kind of like, being a man, i should be after sex. but sex drive and has gone the pan quite a bit so even though im still doing it i dont really gain much satisfaction from it (could be due to having it with the wrong sex, but equaly could be due down to the depression)

i dont know why im so depressed because im not anti gay and not completely sure that i am gay, the only worries about being gay i have written above (scared of coming out even though my lifestyle is prety gay friendly, just scared of peoples opinions of me changing. and scared that in life people will see me differentlyy. scared i will have to make new friends if i want to meet a gay partner and all the hassle that comes wiht it). also, i like the idea of settling down with a nice girl who i am in love with and having children of my own and growing old in that sense. i realise now gay marriage happens and u cn adopt or use other methods and even have your own children, but its hardly the same. ive put down the depression to just being confused about how i feel and it always being on my mind, not being able to think of much else and having it all bottled up

also, im the kind of guy that thinks of a question, dwells on it, comes up with 5 different answers which each lead to about 30 more questions each, double guessed them all, revamped theories and the like. i think about things a lot...im the kind of person who could persuade themselves they are capable of murder if i dwell on it a lot. and im the kind of person that could probably justify it in there head, whilst obviously knowing it was very wrong (good job my sense of morales are very good). i've analysed so many things which are reasons why i am feling how im feeling. the main 2 answers to questions are 'because im gay' or 'because ur worried about being gay' and 'because u havent met the right girl yet'. as i hit the 2000 word count i figured i will make the post go on a bit longer and write some of these thoughts. the answers above are all explanatons of my behaviour below

1. figured i've gone off girls because of how ive bene brought up. ive seen guys get hurt my girls and vowed never to be one of them, always never let myself get really into a girl (which could be why i never really feel much for them). ive read books and things on seduction and how to be better with girls, i always wanted to be someone completely comfortable around them and good at gettin them, and hoping this will eventually lead to finding the one. ive got the attitude, from thinking about things are reading peoples opinions and stories and experiences that u should be single when you are young to enjoy life, only settling down if u really really feel like u want to (ironic that im in a relationship). however, i have picky standarrds with girls and only get with the relaly really pretty ones (except when drunk), so on the one hand im trying to get my number up and thinking that somehow it defines me, whilst on the other rejected a lot of girls and not going for a lot because m not interested. contrary to this point aswel, i enjoy the feeling of having someone there for me in a relationship. bit of a contradiction

2. ive always been very image conscious, never used to think i was good looking at all. now i think i am quite attractive and i am mor confident about it, but i still obsess over image, especially my own. questioned whether my feelings towards guys is a mixture of jealousy, envy and admiration of there looks. also thought maybe thats why i notice thing...i want to have a good body so spent time in the gym...if i see a guy with a good chest or well defined arms, then obviously i want those themselves. but recently ive had that heart/breathing feeling when i notice a guys body. one thing i've heard from gay people that they realised they liked men when they started looking at there crotch...ive never done that. but in any case, thats why i figure maybe i appreciate a guys body... obviously its a beautiful thing, and maybe over time ive kind of confused that with feelings of wanting to be with one

3. as a typical teen, always had a bit of a masterbation/porn fixation. looked at porn from a very early age, went through the stages so now into hardcore stuff and sometimes even that doesnt satisfy me. lesbian porn occasionally turns me on but i prefer seeing penetration...girls doing it solo i do enjoy aswel but its a bit too boring for me now. never looked at gay until rcently, and never really noticed the guy....obviously i notice the guys body but never really care about it. if the girls fit but the guys completely out of shape, i think i was happy. when i staretd worrying that i was gay, i occasionally looked at gay porn to test the waters....i found the guys very good looking and with great bodies but gay sex never erally turned me on and i normally changed to straight sex before i finished the 'session'. but as i thought about it more and worried about it more ive started looking at gay porn more to see how i feel about it, and sometimes i think it might turn me on a bit. the other day, whilst having sex i got immensely worried and freaked out when at one point i imagined me and leonardo di caprio being sexual with each other (we had just watched one of his films) and at that moment i climaxed and i felt so weird about it afterwards, and now ive convinced myself ive got a crush on him lol. whether i do or not, the situation is ridiculous. ive also figured, because of my dealings with porn and that, how i see woman has changed. i see them not as a relationship but just something to fulfill desire, and now only the hardcore stuff does fulfill desire. seeing a naked female now no longer makes me titulated as it used to (doesnt help that me and my friends play porn on casually in the background as we play video games) and im worried that i dnot put girls in high regard because of how things have been with it. guys, on the other hand, are a new experience so maybe thats why im thinking about it more just a theory, call it denial but i think its still very likely, especially combined with all other factors. decided its probably best i dont look at porn for quite a while because its not a very healthy hobby anyway and i want to see if it means i become 'sensitized' again. time will tell

so errr could go into alot more of my worries and problems and stuff but thats more than enough for now. dont really know what im looking for on here...advice? personal experieces so they can relate? the one thing im particularly confused about is the breath/heart feeling i get, i mean the first thought is that its like attraction or something but the fact i get it when i think of any gay action/even unattractive males makes me think it cant be this. it could very well be a feeling of complete uncomfortable in how im feeling and nervousness, uncertainty, that kind of general thing. the main issues at the moment are 1. the fact its ruining my sex life with my gf because im now unsure if im turned on by iit and 2. the fact its a massive distraction and its gettin me really down. wouldnt be so much of a problem if i didnt have exams that i desperately need to do some work for

to be honest this post is massive and i dont expect anyone to read it, its been very useful to get my thoughts out in any case. im feeling so useless and like i dont know what to do at the moment. i dont feel ready yet to talk to mates about it, home ones i know would help me and stuff but i feel i shouldnt mention anything to them because im not certain about it myself yet. and i dont completely trust that it wont get out, we get drunk a lot and u know how it is

phew, this is more than i've written all term, i hope its relatively easy to read. if anyone is in a similar situation and wants to talk about it, feel free to message me, it would be a big help to me and i hope i can help you make sense of your feelings aswel

thanks everyone! back to bed for me (!)

 

hey, thanks all of you for reading it. and yes i think the main problem is that i am having trouble coping with things at the moment. i think i could go either way but i think the main problem is having to deal with things in the meantime. i know that a lot of people have trouble iwth their sexuality and obviously thats why im feeling down at the moment, im just wondering if the fact im down and having trouble with it is just that, or if it means that im wondering about it because im on the wrong path

its not so much the fact that i might be bi or gay...i mean it would be something id have to get my head around but i will cope with it. its the fact tht in the meantime i need to decide about it. i agree with the fact that maybe i should see myself as bi, like you said most people are understanding and the like. trouble is gettin to that stage... if it happened i'd like it to be something where i dont sit people down and tell them, it just kind of comes out and people are then like 'oh ok fair enough, he finds guys attractive too'. one of the biggest fears i have is being labled gay and then not being able to get with girls.... i dont know whether thats just because it would mean that my whole thought pattern has changed, or whether it means i am really into girls. think its best at the moment that i keep my options open, get into a life where people know that its on my mind so i can talk to some people face to face about it - plan to tell some online friends ive been struggling with my sexuality, and then i the summer possibly mention it to my friends at home. i think that the main problem is having it all inside me, its like im trying to hide a part of myself. if i could have a frank convosation with someone, possibly even the girl im seeing, and be like 'right well i do like girls but yeah i find boys fit aswel' then it might take some pressure off me... at the moment i feel like i need to define myself and i dont think its that necessery, just being myself would make more sense. although im still scared of being gay so i dont think a fling with a guy is gonna happen, but being able to talk about it will helpat the moemnt i feel like i am at a crossroads in life when in reality i should see it as a road that extends into the future and has many roundabouts along the way. sexuality isnt fixed anyway, im sure of that its not like any of my behaviour going to change, im not gonna suddenly dress differently or acting camp (i think that last sentence was trying to reassure myself lol). my gay friend is in my exact same friend group at home and is as big a part of it as anyone else, so it really wouldnt mean anything i doubt

the problem with giving up sex, jim, is that it would signal massive problems to hari, who i do really like. i think that dealing with it this way will relax things anyway, if i dont see myself as having to go one way or the other then i should stop worrying about it...i hope but yeah, porns gone

trumpetplayer, im the same when it comes ot relationships. when it finished i did feel a bit bad... this is with all my relationships. i feel like i miss the companionship and the waking up next to someone and the little perks like that, but i dont feel 'heartache' or anything like that. i do get majorly jealous if i see the girl with someone else or anything like that happens though. maybe we just havent found the right person yet though? im sure that the girls ive seen hasnt been right for me in terms of personality anyway, so i not going to claim that based on those very few experiences that im not into girls (great girls but something missing). not gonna give up hope just yet

think the advice that i stop dwelling on it and gettin myself into a depression is the best thing to do brompton. being down about things doesnt help with how i feel. i think spending time doing stuff and with people will be a massive help, even if i have trouble sleeping at night whilst its lingering on my mind. thanks for the advice so far

 

im not going to talk to my gf until i get some other people knowing about it first, friends back home and the like. its a semi-casual relationship anyway

i've spent my time recently, rather than thinking 'oh shit im gay' to 'i wonder how my life is going to go now' and i dont see much wrong with it, which makes me feel happier. i can see myself, in the next few weeks, telling people that i am cnofused about my sexuality and leaving it at all. because my friends back home are all pertty liberal, it will allow me to be excused if i feel like atlking about it/or even experimenting with others, but at the moment i dont feel ready for that yet, still figuring out how i feel

for now i pretty much have to accept that im gettin feelings towards men (no one in specific) and i think that some of the feeling is obviously attraction and some of it is anxiety and confusion about things. so by saying im confused about it wont lable me in any way but i will explain my situation to them and it will come across as me being bisexual, whcih is the best camp to be in right now

every time i think 'hmm ok your gay, stop repressing the feelings and just accept that u like boys and not girls' i start feeling really strongly towards girls. its like they've been cut off from my life and now i want them even more. i've ridiculously personified the cliche 'wanting what you cant have'. so yeah im not going to tell people i think i might be gay because thats far too profound and just generally incorrect for now. i think just letting people know that im confused about things will be the first step and see how things develop from there, hopefully will mean i still dwelling on things quite so much. u never know, this might just be a phase (although im not living in hope), im still young and finding my identity so this is probably the best way to go about things

anyone think that is not the right step to take? wont tell my parents yet because they are less understanding and no need for them to know righht now, never been partcularly cloes to them anyway, just home friends

 

i honestly dont imagine it being that bad gay people i know rarely have any problems. its honestly more the dealing with it myself and how it changes me that is the problem, rather than what my friends and others think. definately an internal battle