Dear community, I'm glad I've found this forum and after reading some the discussions here occasionally, I decided to join in the hope to find some advice. Well, here we go: I'm 22 years old, have been living a "straight" life so far with few exceptions and though I have known that my interest in the opposite sex was always significantly lower than that of all my female friends all way through growing up, I tried my best not to turn out gay till a few weeks ago. I can't blame my parents, actually. My mother didn't approve the idea of me or my sister being gay and she told us so several times, but honestly, it's not as if she wouldn't have loved me any more or anything like that, it would just have made things a bit difficult and I felt that our family was already facing enough problems in other areas. Until I moved out to go to college, I've always held the role of the responsible big sister, great at school, politicaly involved and supportive of my parents. I didn't wanna turn this image of myself upside down. Being gay was scary to me and I was never "that" gay that I couldn't hide it. In fact, by now I'm confronted with the problem, that I've presumably hidden it all too well and I fear that the damage I'm going to cause will be even larger now that I was silly enough to persuade anyone in my family that I liked guys so much that I had 2,5 (yeah, I know...) boyfriends. (of which I guess the 0,5 was also gay - which is why it didn't work out. He was literally lying all the time - never seen anything like that. I just wonder how I was perceived by my straight boyfriends. Maybe my original dishonesty was the reason why I always ended up with the weirdest narcissists I could possibly find. Any honorable guy would have noticed that "something is wrong" and moved on to another girl instead of f***ing me all the same.) The one thing of that I'm really sure by now is that I am in fact not physically attracted by men whatsoever. I can, however, get involved with them, but first off, it took me years (until I was... 19 - and I started at 16) to learn to enjoy it a little and secondly my way of enjoying it is to imagine I was with someone else - someone with breasts and without a penis. (!) Yah... I'm still afraid that I might as well dislike women, because my encounters with them have been only few and I've usually been really drunk or just not attracted to that particular girl. So, I feel that kissing a girl felt much nicer than kissing any guy (which feels like kissing a dog to me. I told every boyfriend at some point, that I'm not that much into kissing and prefer hugs. They were entirely shocked and felt offended, but forgot about that soon) but of everything that goes further I don't remember anything (because of alcohol, not because it was traumatic or anything But the witness ... yeah - uhm ... told me that I had appearently a lot of fun and couldn't believe that I hadn't done that before. Gosh, I really hope the NSA is going to read this, it's definitely worth it!). Well however... I'm just scared that I might be asexual. I really don't know why. Somehow I'm quite sure that I'm gay, it's not that the idea is new to me - it's just that I'm trying to accept it now for the first time - but I'm afraid that if I try and don't like it as well, I might end up lonely. Is anyone familiar with that fear? I wonder whether it's a woman's thing, like because I learned that passion is a taboo for me anyways and that having no passion at all is better than directing it towards the same sex. I have a hard time dealing with my sexual attration towards women. I feel ashamed of it and usually avoid attractive women altogether. I guess they wouldn't even notice, but I just feel so weird around them. Though I catch myself gazing at them, playing with my hair, flirting etc... If I've seen a beautiful stranger in the train, I'll see a clear picture of her in my head for hours later and wonder who she is and where she was going. I always try to tell myself that these thoughts are innocent, but I'm just so embaressed with myself everytime I realize it. And these days I suffer immensely from a certain crush I have for a university teacher. I should have handed in a term paper and I'm good at writing papers, usually, but I felt as if she was expecting to much from me and didn't want to dissapoint her and I guess she's far from dissapointment right now but rahter rightfully angry. I'm glad I'm on an Erasmus-exchange right now. Within the last weeks, I thought, I was on the right track and might find the strength to accept myself and come out to someone close to me soon, but right now, I'm in the middle of a crisis again. For a day or so, I had approximately accepted it, but now I feel the mere act of accepting it turned me into something else and start to feel weird in my body, like my skin has turned green or has always been green and I just took a first glance at my reflection. I'm not angry anymore. At first, when I recognized what this was, which had been haunting me as long as I could think and how I might actually find a way to find make peace with that demon, I felt furious with anybody who had been teasing me for being a lesbian during school, with my mother and with society in general, but that feelings are gone. Right now, all that's left is an immense fear pressing me down. I've hardly been so self-destructive as I am now in many months, though my medication(antidepressant) seems to work well. And I got sick, lying in bed all the week - I only get sick when I'm stressed out. The idea of coming out to myself was that I should feel better about myself and be motivated again to function. I'm not. I'm just sitting here trying to get hold of who I am. I feel as if the old me is dying and like my body had to live for a while without spirit until something unknown has taken over. And in realization of that, the old me just doesn't wanna go. This is a strange connection to draw, but when I was about 18 years old, I started imagining/thinking/feeling, whatever, that I would die in my early twenties. I didn't know the date or whatever, but I felt that my time was running out and that I was probably already sick or would just be hit by a car one day. For a while I thought this vision had been hinting on the long period of depression that followed and that I would die from my own hand. But now I'm struck by the idea that a part of me might be dying right now. I've always been trying to outrun it, how should I accept the end of who I was? Maybe I am already a zombie as I write these lines... :help: I'd be sincerely thankful for any advice you might want to share and apologize for the long text. I read it twice, but instead of deleting I ended up adding, so I better don't read it again... Serena
It's okay to be scared. This is going to be a time in your life that is going to be full of changes, and anyone who says that nothing about you is going to change is going to lie. But the thing is, those changes aren't necessarily changes that you aren't going to go through anyways. Even though you aren't a teenager, that doesn't mean you aren't going to constantly change. Change is a natural part of being human. If you didn't ever change anything, life would be stagnant. The one thing that you have to remember is that no matter how much you change, you at your core is never going to be altered. What I mean is that your circumstances are going to be different, you are going to learn things, and you are going to mature because of them. However, every reaction you have to life is always going to be a product of your inner core. You are always going to be you, whether it's biology or nurture. You can't change your core because that is always going to be the reason you do things. You don't move out of your house in one day. Some days you feel homesick, and maybe you need to burn a couple of meals before you really get it. However, you get used to it. Homosexuality is very much the same. You aren't going to just wake up one day and suddenly become used to everything. You need to take baby steps in order to get used to this part of yourself. How that is done is going to be done in your own unique way and pace. But the thing is, you have to like yourself before you can accept this facet of yourself. Fact is, you are treating yourself as though your whole identity is wrapped up in your sexuality. As though you thrive on which gender you love. At times, it can seem like homosexuality is a big deal. You see the big parades with the kissing and the women with short hair and flannel shirts. However, look beyond the things that you see changing and look at the things that are the same. You might like women but that's it. How you date is going to be different. Your style may change. Who knows, you may even be more affectionate. However, you are always going to leave the "parade" and go back home to your job and hobbies. Just because some things change, that doesn't mean everything has to change. Also, did you ever think that maybe you are killing yourself now? You are smothering a part of yourself (your sexuality) just to please others. Truth is, you have been killing yourself your whole life. You are refusing the medicine that's going to cure your ailment. You don't have to take a big gulp all at once. Just take sips until the whole thing goes down the hatch. It may seem more painful that way, and people will tell you that you should do everything at once, but what works with one person isn't going to work for another. Just settle into life one experience at the time, and you will realize that this thing you have been dreading has been something amazing locked within you all along. Stop being afraid of what you are. Just be who you are. You don't have to define yourself as anything, just be it.
If you are serious about having these thoughts, please go to see a doctor about these, I have a friend who had similar feelings and it turned out to be psychosis. I'm not saying you have that, but it sounds like you could do with some real-life help to figure out these feelings you're having. As for your sexuality, if you are asexual, so what? If you don't enjoy sex, don't have it. If you are not asexual, then it does sound like you are gay to me. I know you said you didn't really enjoy your drunken encounters with women, but perhaps you are someone who likes sex to be coupled with intimacy and love rather than being a casual thing. Maybe save the sex for a lesbian relationship next time. Good luck
