It was my first day of uni today... I have this thing that I kind of like most of those people and I get this generally friendly feeling of my course but I also feel bad there because I can't really be out of the closet there. No one there knows I'm trans, they probably just think I'm a girl with slightly masculine smart casual style or something. I'd never pass so I feel I can't really ask for anyone there to call me what I'd prefer to be called or to use appropriate pronouns. Everyone already knows me as a member of my assigned sex and they know my birth name and whatnot, and since these aren't people close to me at all, there's no point discussing any of this with them either. It's just that it's difficult for me to be around them because I feel like such a freak all the time and I also know that none of them will never get the right idea about me. I have lots of acquaintances and I get along with everyone but I don't have any real friends there, partially because it's very difficult for me to talk to people due to status quo. I'm so looking forward to finishing my degree and getting into another school to finish my BA next year or so. I don't know what I'm going to do there, though. Being in the closet is just hateful but it's also terrible not to be because I feel that people will just think I'm not a real guy and all kind of things like that. Whatever I do, I feel horrendous and insecure, mostly just absolutely disgusting. I only wish that one day I will pass better and won't have to feel so bloody hideous all the time. (Sighs.) Oh well, it's just uni. I'm there just for the degree anyway. (I just needed to get this out of my system because I don't have anyone to talk about these things at the moment. Or, well, I don't feel like bothering them with this atm.)
Hey fella first things first, it will get better believe me. Secondly i think you need to give people a little more credit than you do at the moment. It's likely people have guessed there's something different about you but don't want to say anything for fear of offending you. You would be surprised at the reaction of others is not what you'd expect especially these days with everyone doing their own thing. Just plod along getting to know people, making friends and try not to dwell on what others will think, the bottom line is it's none of their business and if anyone gives you a hard time over it you know it's because their lives aren't so perfect as they'd like you to believe. It's far easier to point and judge than it is to get your own shit together trust me. You sound like a really lovely person and in the long run that's whats really important.
Thank you, I sort of agree and I don't really care most of the time but sometimes it just gets so tiring. Thanks again.
