I think I've been suffering from internalised homophobia and that I have always been more drawn to women but up until now never recognised that as sexual attraction. When I have found guys attractive in the past and in the present it is the equivalent of finding the hottest guy who you know in real life who looks like Ezra Miller, he just isn't famous ( rare commodities! ). Anything below that standard of physical attractiveness and I don't feel anything for them. I feel threatened actually, that I should be defensive sexually around them. Whereas with women I can just be comfortable. I had major issues dealing with anxiety and shame and projecting the right image out there, thinking that was just normal, but looking back it was all just a way to avoid being "me" and be the straight girl I thought society wanted. ( I never used to be able to eat in public, everything I did had to be "proper" and "effemminate" and ironically I was into things likes video games and skateboarding ). When I look back at my past relationships, I think they were all kind of personal tests. And the fact the were so infrequent and I didn't crave sex much or see it as a need. I do like the intimacy I get after sex with one guy, and I do crave him ( and only him even though we have no relationship. I get hung up on these types of guys, and I think I did as a defence mechanism, so I could avoid every other male on the planet because I was "into" this unavailable man ), but I also cannot deny that when I walk down the street I find women easier to connect with on all levels, physically and mentally. I just never recognised it before because I always thought being a lesbian meant something totally different- something hidden and promiscuous. Same with being straight though, which I thought I was, but it was the romance stories and films and their idea of love that I was attracted to, not the real life straight-living, messy and realistic. (No offence anyone!) I am still a bit uncomfortable with the idea of having sex with a woman because being intimate with one is all new to me, even though I know it sexually excites me like nothing else and straight sex is not as mindblowing as I think it's supposed to be. ( Lesbian porn was my preference growing up). But at the same time, I would still be open to having casual sex with a man, if he were like Ezra Miller, or some guy I find hot. I think I may be able to enjoy it more now bizarrely too ^^'' because it will just be sex. I have no idea what I want to do with this now. My sexuality has been so changeable recently, but I don't know if that's because I'm still dealing with internalised homophobia or if I am still bargaining. I feel like I could be on the brink of the Pride stage though too. I think I will tell my family on my 21st ( the 22nd of October, nothing big, just an intimate dinner with my parents, my sister and her boyfriend), I know they would be supportive. I think I just need to tell someone. Maybe I will tell my bestfriend who seems to be going through similar problems ( and I think I have feeling for her... :/ although I am not sure of that too because I still don't desire sex, maybe because we're friends and I think that would be weird? Or maybe it's the last hurdle? ). Well I'm telling you guys! I guess I'm a lesbian. :smilewave
Is it possible to be an asexual lesbian? A homoromantic heterosexual? I really don't know, but I think I am ready to at least try experimenting.... ^^
Asexual means u feel no sexual attraction to either gender..no desire to have sex at all ---------- Post added 3rd Oct 2013 at 09:09 AM ---------- For me sexuality was quite easy for me to figure ou think about this..do u get off on having sex with men, do u get off with having sex with women or both..im not asking u because thats personal but its just somthin to think about
Yes it's possible, I've heard people describing themselves like that before. All these words are just labels we put on ourselves to try to explain our feelings, so anything's possible, really. When I first realised I was bi, I kept thinking that I wasn't because I didn't like the label, and I felt differently about men and women, but then I was like, but I fancy men AND women, so I must be, even if the feelings are different. I've also had phases of preferring one gender over the other. It sounds like that's what you're feeling right now. Although just because I decided that 'bi' was the right label, doesn't mean that you have to. As for the asexual thing, if you like sex then I don't think you're asexual. Maybe you just haven't found someone yet that you want to have sex with. Maybe you'd need to be in love with them first.
@hitgirl made my day Your answer really helped me! Thank you! It's relieving to know you can go through phases of liking one gender over the other! Because that keeps happening lately, and right now I don't think I am ready to try anything physical with a woman, I tried before and it was awful, but I am still curious but I also am afraid if I like it I will lose my attraction to men or something. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I still like liking men and I cannot find a lot of information on bisexuality and both straight and gay teams seem to be in debate over it constantly too. I love hearing from ACTUAL bisexuals. It really does make that extra bit of difference.
