I am a 35 year old married man. A happily married man. My wife is gorgeous and really a great person. I love her a lot. There is only one problem in my life. And that is the fact that I have always been attracted to both sexes. Yes, bi-sexual, if you want to use labels. Apart from the usual experiences and experimentation in my younger school years, I have not done much at all with guys, as I have always identified with being more straight than gay on that “sexuality scale”. I have just acknowledged to myself that I was bi (As I believe many people are), and been ok with it, stating when I found the right person, I’d know it. That person was my wife. We have been married for 7 years now. I’ve always known I was essentially “bi”, but never felt the need or want to actually act on my thoughts of being with another man. Being and acting “straight” is absolutely 100% fine with me, because, as I said, I am very happy and love my wife. After I found her I decided that due to social pressures that men have regarding these type of issues, I consciously “chose” to be straight rather, and never let anyone know my other side. Call me an “in the closet bi-sexual or gay”. I absolutely hate the labels, and believe they are the reason why minorities are treated so badly by closed minded people who cannot accept people for being different. That’s another topic all together, and I won’t get into it here! That is the background. Everything was perfect. Unfortunately (or fortunately?) 3 years ago, that changed. I met a guy (33 years old) who had lots in common with me, and we hit it off big time! (just as friends, nothing sexual at all). We became best mates over the course of the first year. He is married, and has two kids. He is a wonderful father and husband, and an amazing friend. One evening, after we had a few beers and were hanging out, it happened: He just leaned over and kissed me. I was shocked, and confused all at once. But to say that I didn’t enjoy it would be an absolute lie. Truth is, I loved it. Then it got even worse… He told me he loved me, and that he is secretly “in the closet”. He basically told me my own life story that I outlined in the top paragraph above. Wow. I was blown away. I didn’t know what to do, so I left, leaving my friend in a very difficult situation, thinking the friendship was over. I needed to think. And I did… I knew the answer. I was in love with him too. A few days later, I called him and we met to discuss the kiss and what he had said. I told him I was in the same boat as him. He apologised for kissing me (blaming his bravery on the beers) and for complicating our lives and friendship. But openly repeated that he has never felt such strong feelings for anyone ever. I honestly told him the same. We are both good guys (I think), and we would never cheat on our wives, and promised each other that we would not (And I am proud to say that we have kept that promise to each other too). But, over the next 2 years, our love for each other has reached mammoth proportions. I did not know that feelings like I have for him were even possible. We think about each other all the time. We have become so close, and even our wives (who, awkwardly, are friends with each other now too) say that we have a very “cool bromance thing” going on, and they find it “so damn cute”. The two of us declare our love to each other often, and when alone, cuddle and love being close, emotionally and physically. We have discussed the sexual side of things, and both agree that if things were different (For example, we were both single), we would love to have a sexual relationship. But again, out of respect to each other’s marriages and his kids, we have managed to keep it non-sexual (This has been very difficult for both of us). What we have is so amazing, and I have never loved anyone in this world as much as I love him. I get so filled with emotion when I think of it, that I could (and have) cry. I feel like it is the greatest gift and the greatest curse ever. It is such pure love. I have absolutely no doubt that he is my soulmate (He feels the same). And the desire to be with him (we have both said this) is overwhelming. We have discussed on many occasions the idea of divorcing our wives and becoming a couple. The thought, no matter how difficult the consequences is amazing. But unfortunately, it is pure fantasy. Due to social and family pressures on both of our sides, I doubt it would ever happen. Frankly, I do not think we would have the courage to “come out”. I know I sound like a coward when I say that, but it is the truth. Maybe that would change with time, but I cannot say. Sometimes, the entire situation sounds so sick, that I feel depressed. How can I love my wife and this man? I have not and will not cheat on her sexually ever, but just the fact that I love him and he loves me, feels like cheating on an emotional level. I love that I met him, and hate that I love him, but it is totally out of our control… if that makes any sense. We are both so confused, and I do not think there is an easy outcome. Maybe this isn’t even a question, but rather just our story of forbidden love. I do not know. I cannot even ask what to do, as it is too complicated to be answered on a forum. Maybe just talking about it like this will help. Maybe knowing what other people think about this situation will shed some light. The last 3 years has been the most glorious, most happy, as well as the most depressing from the situation point of view, of my entire life. Why must it all be so complicated? Love can be a real bitch sometimes. I feel like the most blessed person in the world for having him in my life. But also feel totally helpless, scared and sad. How is that even possible?
I feel for you man, in this situation you have to ask yourself some questions that are going to be really tough, do you at this moment and time love him more than you love your wife? And do you think it will always be so? See many people say Love changes your life, but we often forget that life also changes our preception of love. And your friend also has to ask himself these questions. And then comes the dilemma between choosing yourself or your duty towards your family? You both are in your 30s and probably have young kids What would happen if you both divorce? Maybe a seperation early in your kids life might be better then wel when they enter their pre-teen/teen years. I started with the kids but the most important person is your wife, she took those vows with you and I commend you for fulfilling them and not cheating but the question is are you truly devoted to her? Again this depends on the earlier question do you love her more than him now?(If the answer is "it's a different kind of love, then you have to choose one) And if so then you both have to be honest with your wives preferably within the same time period, then it is up to your wives to decide; some women compromise and settle for an open marriage others have to leave. If you choose her, (and I mean really! choose her) love her more then you have shut that door completely and cut off from him. Leaving it half open will keep you in agony. The truth is that someone has to sacrifice in this situation. I understand social and family pressures but are you going to be able to carry on like this or will it be too agonizing and is it fair in that case? To you, your wife and your family. I wish you strength & courage with this all.
Hi there Illus1. Thank you for the advice on my first post. You certainly make very good points. I have lots to think about. I appreciate you taking the time to comment. Thanks again mate. Egan.
Ok here's the thing.... You choose a path that felt right at the time, finding a girl, married , settled down etc However nothing in life stays the same that is fact. You have excellent morals and respect toward your wife and your clearly a good person but now things have changed,as life often does without warning. Most of your post involves making excuses to stop yourself being truly happy. You only need to ask yourself this question. When your old and grey, sat at home in your comfy arm chair, are you going to look back on a life of bitter regret or fond memories? Life is much like a novel, one chapter ends and another starts. Eventually the love for your wife will turn to hatred when it slowly dawns on you that your life with her is preventing you from having the life you really want. Your correct loving another IS cheating and the worst kind of cheating. Give your wife the respect she deserves and allow her to make her own decision. If what you say is correct about how much you love your friend then you know deep down what you have to do.
Can I just say, I don't think your problem is that you're bisexual - your problem is that you're in love with two people. Just me being pedantic You've got to lose either your wife or your friend as a partner, you say you love them both, so why not choose the way that's best for the kids? As for what's best for them, I guess only you can decide on that! Also - well done on not having sex with your friend. All the cuddling and loving ain't nice for the wife, but a lot of lesser people would've slept with him as well, so good job resisting
Hitgirl has a point, the same could have happened to you with a woman, it's not a matter of you bisexuality - you don't seek sex, but love. This love triangle is not much different than thousands of others. I can see the same stories at another board almost once a week. I am not trying to lessen what you have. Just food for thought. The grass is always greener... you know the saying. You are still romantically in love. The love has not been 'consumated' yet (no sex), you have to keep it secret (which is a great 'feed' for romantic love), there is the feeling of being generous to your wives (another strong feed that gives you feeling of being a better man and also a reason for pity yourself and feeling betrayed by the world - another things that feeds romantical love.) If you lived with him, three years from now you could easily find yourself spooning another woman. Humans are not made for monogamy. It's not in our nature. I know how hard it is. I've been with one partner for more than twenty years, no cheating. Good luck with your decision.
Thank you all for your comments. I so appreciate them. Nick07 and Hitgirl: You 2 have very valid points regarding the love triangle. It is clear that I need to make a decision. I have no idea what that might be. But thank you. ---------- Post added 5th Nov 2013 at 09:52 PM ---------- MonkeyMan: I love your comment about life being a novel, and this potentially being a new chapter. All of your comments have given me so much to think about. This is some scary sh!t. LOL
