Hi everyone, hope you're doing well! First of all, sorry in advance for my broken English ... Anyway, I'm writing in the hopes that someone will reach out and give me some good advice on what to do with my closet, long story short, I can't stand living inside it anymore. I'm a pretty lonely guy so I don't have many people with whom I can share my feelings. My workplace is a very homophobic setting and I get homophobic comments all the time. You see, I live in Brazil and being gay is a big deal here. This kills me every time. On the other hand, I'm pretty demanded and respected professionally here. I don't think I'm being fair and honest with myself but at the same time I'm very terrified at the possibility of coming out to homophobic people, whose reaction I couldn't fear more. I sometimes feel like I'm a coward and I should do it any way but the rational in me keeps finding comfort in the least scraps of happiness that show up now and then ... How do I build up courage? I can't sleep at night anymore ... I don't find pleasure in life anymore, sometimes I fear I might kill myself.
Well I'm afraid I can't really help you that much as I'm pretty much on your same situation. However I've come to realize that I don't wanna stay like this and I'm determined to do whatever it takes in order to be happy. Not that I've made a lot of progress but eveyday I feel more confortable with the idea of being "out" (to an extent, I don't really feel the need to come out to anybody but don't wanna hide either). How do you build up your courage? I don't know but if you've come to consider killing yourself I think it's time to make a change in your life, such a cliché it is but it does get better. Sure you will face some rejection from homophobic people but are you really willing to be miserable the rest of your life just for the sake of "pleasing" them, I don't think so. I know it sounds easy and it's so NOT but I can't imagine staying like this much longer.
First of all, if you're having suicidal thoughts, these hotlines might be able to help. I'm not well versed in what the LGBT situation is in Brazil, but do you have any close friends or family you'd be comfortable talking to. If not necessarily coming out to them, but to see if they are allies to LGBT causes and maybe surrounding yourself with those types of people. Also, I am sorry to hear that you're hurting like this (*hug*)
Please don't kill yourself. If things get too bad, why not move somewhere less homophobic? Or even just visit somewhere less homophobic where you can meet other gay people? If you know anyone who is gay-friendly, consider coming out to them first if you decide to come out. Good luck
My friend, you need to MOVE to some place where you can both come out and be among friends. You should forget about coming out for now, and put together a plan for moving to a gay-friendly country, where you can build a network of real friends based on who you really are. People move all the time, all over the world, to find new jobs in new places. When you start focusing on accomplishing the steps in this plan, and begin making progress, you won't be thinking about ending your life, you will be looking forward to the rest of your life surrounded by accepting friends and that one special person who will both accept you and love you for who you are. Start right now.
You've got a few options, none of them being to stay like you are now. Call those hotlines, move, and/or come out. If it's at the point you can't sleep and are thinking of suicide, how can it get any worse? They are likely making those comments because they (stupidly) don't think anyone will be hurt. If you come out, they might stop or even respect you for this courage.
We have many Brazilian immigrants here in Massachusetts and it is one of the most gay-friendly places in the US. Please stay safe and consider moving somewhere where you can be yourself.
It's not irrational to be fearful of the consequences of coming out in Brazil. I understand that you are in demand and professionally successful, but you can't continue living this way. Realistically, what are your options? If you leave the country to settle elsewhere, how would your family take it? I guess what I'm asking is, how easy or difficult would it be for you to uproot yourself? You know the situation better than we do; coming out may simply not be a viable option where you are. Whatever you do, please take care of yourself, and if that means leaving, you owe it to yourself to find a measure of happiness, and possibly someone to love.
