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The biggest mistake

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by ScaredAndScarre, Oct 5, 2013.

  1. ScaredAndScarre

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    I've been in love with my best friend for a year and a half now, ever since he jokingly leaned on my shoulder one night.

    While driving back home from summer break in May, I was crying because I wasn't going to see him for three months, as he lives in another part of the country. I realized that this three month break could be the perfect time for me to fall out of love with him...but I didn't....He was the first thing I thought about when I woke up, and he was the last thing I thought about when I fell asleep. I dreamed and longed to be held by him. I tried and I tried to surpress the thoughts of him, but I couldn't. I tried punishing myself every time I thought about him, for I am, what is called, a "Side-B homosexual." I believe that I was "born to be gay," but that it is contrary to God's will, so I must remain celibate and chaste for the rest of my life. I believe that acting on homosexual desires and having homosexual thoughts are sinful (please don't go into this. Read the rules of the forum and respect my decision).

    When school started again, and we moved back in together, hoping I wasn't having the same feelings for him...but lo-and-behold, I was still wanting him.

    Three weeks ago, on a Saturday morning, I sat him down, and told him, "I haven't been honest with you, or with anyone. But I want to let you know that I'm gay." I bawled my eyes out. I told him that if he isn't comfortable with me being around, I would be glad to move out. I told him about how I feel about being "Side-B." That's when he put his arm around me. I told him that I would never....EVER do anything to harm him. And like the blunt person I am, I also promised that if he did anything to hurt me, he wouldn't see the light of day.

    This was the hardest part. I told him I loved him...and he didn't even flinch. Now I know for a fact that he has no interest in guys romantically. He likes to secretly go out and bang girls, and he has had plenty of relationships with women.

    For three days after that, I avoided him like the plague. I would wake up super early and leave, and I would go to bed super late so I wouldn't see him. In fact, I slept on the couch downstairs for three days. I didn't want things to get awkward.

    Three days later, he caught me in the house. He sat down on the steps while I was on the couch. He asked me what was wrong. I told him I've been avoiding him. He said, "I know." I realized that he is super cool with my being gay.....but I'm not cool with it.

    I'm so scared about what he REALLY thinks. I don't trust anyone. Ever since I was bullied, harassed, and stalked in middle school, I've had problems with trusting anyone. I can't help but think he is very weirded out about it, and is just being nice because he's a nice person. If he doesn't want to be around me, tell me!!!! I can take the honesty....can I?

    This friend is graduating college a semester early (at the end of this year), and he will be moving back home to go to work. On one hand, he will soon be out of my life, and hopefully I can move on. On a similar hand, he will soon be out of my life, losing a friend.

    Coming out to him was the worst mistake of my life. What is he really thinking? Has his view of my changed? It doesn't appear to have, but has it really? Every time I see him, I'm reminded that I love him. Every time I see him, I'm reminded that he will soon be gone from my life. It's a perpetuating cycle of grief. There hasn't been a night when I haven't had something to drink. I want to avoid him, but I don't want to.

    People who say when coming out is the most "liberating and wonderful experience I've ever had. I've never been happier." Bullshit. This has been the most painful thing I've ever done.
     
    #1 ScaredAndScarre, Oct 5, 2013
    Last edited: Oct 5, 2013
  2. Siarad

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    If he wanted to stop his friendship with you, he would be avoiding you now, rather than the other way round. Instead he sought you out to see how you're doing. If he is straight than any romantic love between you won't ever happen but look for the good in that he sounds like a really good friend. If you can accept that he doesn't feel that way about you but is a great friend who cares about you and if you can work towards 'just' being a great friend to him then your friendship could have a future. So why not just spend some time hanging out with him again and move past the awkwardness to a new friendship where you're both honest with each other. Also, I know it's hard, but try to consider how he might be feeling too. Your friendship and the fact that he sought you out suggests he might be sad to lose the friendship too.
     
  3. Monkeyman

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    I'm going to be really blunt here because i think it's what you need, a proverbial slap across the face if you will.

    Get a grip and stop being a victim. Its you that's doing all the "he hates me" "oh god i hate myself" seriously sort it out. YOU ARE NOT THE FIRST PERSON THIS HAS EVER HAPPENED TO AND YOU WON'T BE THE LAST.

    First things first, accept what you are and what it means.
    Secondly, I'm from a religious family and no matter what i was told, how much i punished myself, how much i cried NOTHING CHANGED! i am still gay.
    So do i crucify myself for the rest of my life or do i make the best of it?

    What I've said my sound harsh but you've got to break this vicious cycle of self hatred your in which is affecting all aspects of your life and friendships.

    Accept what you are and it will get better. There's no magic pill, everyone goes through the same process. Part of coming out is truly accepting yourself for what you are, THAT'S the liberating part.
     
  4. hitgirl

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    I think you have answered your own question here. For most people, coming out is exciting because they finally don't have to hide any more. It sounds like maybe you actually do want to hide, and now you are scared because someone knows your secret?

    Well, there's no need to be scared, I don't think. I don't know your friend, but from your description he sounds totally okay with you being gay, otherwise he wouldn't have put his arm round you right away or tried to reconnect with you as a friend after you ignored him.

    You need to work on your own self-confidence I think in order to feel happier.
     
    #4 hitgirl, Oct 6, 2013
    Last edited: Oct 6, 2013
  5. ScaredAndScarre

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    Are there any resources I can give to my friends if they have questions?
     
  6. ScaredAndScarre

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    Just an update on my situation.

    I finally told my pastor on Sunday after church on Sunday. THAT one really worried me, since he's also in the camp that homosexual desires are sinful.

    Just like my roommate, the first thing he did was put his arm around me and said, "Everything will be alright." He even said he had a gay nephew.

    I cried and cried, but there he was with his arm around me. This coming Sunday is his last Sunday here, because he will be moving away to another congregation.
     
  7. Data

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    I'd also like to put my arm around you.

    You sound like you feel inferior to those around you, like you're damaged goods that everyone has to make due with! You aren't. You're exactly the way God wanted you to be.

    I'm also religious, but I have a feeling our ideas may differ. Please don't be offended by what I say. I respect your freedom to do whatever you wish and believe whatever you want and that isn't under question.

    I believe that all if us were made by God just the way we were supposed to be. We're all different and we all have good and bad in us. You aren't any less of a person then your friend. Your friend may love to smell watermelons and is very embarrassed. So he tells you he loves to smell watermelons and then tells you he likes you because you smell like a watermelon. He then flips out and avoids you like you're the devil and wonders what you think of him because he likes to smell watermelons. You may think "Shit, that's WEIRD! What the hell?" But do you decide to ditch him because he's a freak? Nope, you still like him because he's a good guy and you don't mind it. You don't want him smelling you in the middle of the night though...

    So, you have to find some inner peace before coming out can be worth while and freeing. Then you must acceot that straight crushes are dead ends. It'll rip your heart out, but you'll find another who can love you like you DESERVE!

    Don't lose hope.
     
  8. hitgirl

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    Wow, well done, that's fantastic that you came out to your pastor! I hope that makes you feel better because presumably you see him as a representative of God and even he's okay with you being gay. If he's okay with it, maybe it will help you be okay with it too.

    I can't think of any resources, sorry! Maybe that society PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) will have something on their website?
     
  9. WiliamRoberts

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    Did he stay with you while you were crying? Being nice only goes so far, if he was nice and had an issue with it, he would have politely taken up your offer of moving out. He sounds okay with it, so take a deep breath, everything will be fine :slight_smile:
     
  10. ScaredAndScarre

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    Thanks guys. I appreciate the comfort.