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To keep up the lesbian 'hint' poster for friend's visit or not?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Siarad, Oct 5, 2013.

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  1. Siarad

    Siarad
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    My flat has been a mess for a while so no-one's really come round, I've always gone to other people's. Now I've made a real effort to tidy and my friend (straight) is supposed to be coming round tonight.

    Since my flat's been 'off-limits', I've put up a poster from 'Better Than Chocolate' (one of my favourite lesbian films) which blatantly shows two women being romantic (hugging, that is!).

    My friend doesn't know I'm gay and I would be worried about her finding out. I've come out to a number of people but not to her. Part of this is that her personal style and mannerisms are stereotypically lesbian, though she is straight, whilst my personal style suggests straight, though I am a lesbian. My friend has had lots of unwanted attention throughout her life from both men and women and I wouldn't want her to think that I am about to turn around and declare my love for her or anything of that nature. I really don't want our friendship to change but I think she's really uncomfortable about lesbians, mostly because of being mistaken for one so often (one of her favourite phrases is "I'm not in the vagina business"!).

    I don't know whether to take down the poster, which would solve the problem. The problem is that since I started my 'journey' towards coming out the one promise I made myself was that however long it took me to get the courage to tell people I was gay that if anyone asked I wouldn't lie. Taking the poster down feels like a lie, in a way, leaving it up means telling the truth if she spots it and asks.
     
    #1 Siarad, Oct 5, 2013
  2. Feijoa

    Feijoa
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    I think it is about timing. Do you feel you are in the right place in your life to come out to her? Would she get upset that you DIDN'T come out to her? I understand where you are coming from in not wanting to put her in any awkward positions but I think you can cut that off at the pass with communication.

    If it feels like too heavy of a conversation to have with her at this point in time, then take down the poster with a personal caveat that you will come out to her when it feels right. That way you aren't lying, you are being sensitive to your friendship. It sounds like you feel you need an approach with her to not freak her out or have her jump to conclusions, so taking down the poster is probably going to bum you out more because you haven't been able to find a way to approach the subject with her.

    Maybe the poster is the opportunity, maybe it isn't - the important thing is you feel comfortable with the opportunity when it shows itself.
     
    #2 Feijoa, Oct 5, 2013
  3. paris

    paris
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    Yeah, it's your place, you have it decorated the way you like and are comfortable with but I quite understand your worries about the poster. (excuse my bad English:rolle:slight_smile:

    I'd say that if you don't want your friendship to change at all then take the poster down.
    But, if you feel like taking the risk to come out to her then take the poster down as well.
    Haha:grin:. I didn't make a mistake here. You wrote that you wouldn't want her to think that you are about to declare your love for her so I was just thinking how she might react if she saw the poster. If she's really that uncomfortable with the lesbian topic there's a huge chance that she wouldn't ask what the poster mean and you'd have no chance to explain yourself. That way she'd feel really uneasy, I think.

    So I'd rather take the poster down and when she visits I'd tell her something like:
    “Do you see that empty place on the wall over there? I had a poster hanging there but I was worried what would you think about me when you see it. I'm happy to have you as a friend, and always will, and I wouldn't want to make you uncomfortable in any way but the truth is that there's something you probably don't know about me and I'd like to tell you.
    The thing is that I'm lesbian.”

    But in general I'd advice you to stick to your own judgment. You are the one who knows her and yourself the best:wink:
     
    #3 paris, Oct 6, 2013
  4. Siarad

    Siarad
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    Thanks for the advice!

    I was a bit cowardly and took it down in the end! In fairness, I did notice later that there was my complete set of 'The L Word' on the bookcase so if she really looked the clues were there!

    The added complication I didn't mention is that the friend in question has what may be terminal cancer so there may not be the time to rebuild the friendship if it does cause awkwardness.

    Still, it was a good evening and it did feel nice to have the place tidy enough to have people round. I might have a 'house re-warming' with some friends who do know I'm gay to celebrate that!
     
    #4 Siarad, Oct 6, 2013
    Last edited: Oct 6, 2013
  5. paris

    paris
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    Well done and I'm happy to hear you spent a good evening with your friend.
    I just sent positive energy her way.
     
    #5 paris, Oct 6, 2013
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