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Help :(

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Gumtree, Jun 1, 2008.

  1. Gumtree

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    So i have had a really shitty past 2 weeks and you might have noticed i have bearly been on EC.

    I thought i was out to the world and life might start improving but it's all gone and FUCKED UP.

    It has all gotten on top of me big time.

    In the past 2 weeks my parents have just separated; i have gone from totally out of the closet to being left with my dad whom i just realized doesn't know im gay and is tiny homophobic.

    Mum has been declared unsuitable to raise children and i am left with dad.

    I have lost 4 of my closest friends in the past 10 days because of and i quote in exact words 'I can't be your friend anymore, i can't take the shit i get from other people for being around you'.

    My dad is a good guy but i can't see mum anymore and now im back into the closet.

    I have put on a happy face for so long in life and even on EC saying i love life and school and that im happy but tonight it has gotten too much.

    I just sent an email to my dad knowing he will read it within the next 2 days telling him that i want to move in with my brother (other side of the state) and that im not happy with life.

    Here's the letter i wrote, i'm totally confused now as to what i should do now and where i should go.

    How can i help my mum, what did i do about my dad?

    Is moving the right thing to do?

    My dad is a really unhappy guy now and i know the only reason he works and lives is to provide for me so i feel obliged to stay just so he's not wasting his life. I have been guilted into living with my dad?

    anyway. help?

    The letter.


    [I]Dear Dad,
    There is so much to say and it all seems to make sense in my head but putting it into words is difficult.

    First of all I guess, I should explain what this is all about! There are many important things I have to say none of which I can bring myself to say face to face. So this is the next best thing.

    Secondly, it’s important you don’t react, jump conclusion misjudge and misinterpret anything until you have read this entire letter. There is much that won’t make sense or will seem irrational until you get the whole picture.

    Thirdly; please do not pass this off as a rash urge or spontaneous teenage rebellion. This is a long term series of events, emotions and scenario’s that have contributed to my past few years of depression, seclusion and repression. This may seem exaggerated and even a lie to you but please understand that once you read everything you will be able to join the dots and understand.

    To begin I would like to say that my life is unhappy. This will seem hard to fathom and you probably have seen no evidence to make you believe this but, I tell you now I have had years of practice at putting on a happy face and suppressing everything even to those most close to me. People see me as an open person; someone who would not bottle things and would voice their feelings; I would assume you see this side as well but many years ago I discovered that this bluff was a very effective cover.

    Back to the point; I have lived a life of deceit, lies, pain and abuse for too long and can no longer take its toll without retaliating.

    I have recently has the revelation that I am wasting my life and unless I initiate a change myself then things will never improve. Thus is this letter.

    By now I am imagining you sitting there wondering ‘What?! Unhappy?! Why? What happened?! Where did things go wrong?! Why do I not know?! For how long?! and WHAT IS HE TALKING ABOUT?!’ Well I suppose it’s time to justify my claims.

    This is going to be the hard part for you read and absorb without jumping to conclusions so please; make no judgments nor assumptions until you have read it all!

    Since very early in my life I have found myself in the fixation of confusion; of being different and not fitting in. My tastes and styles, habits and beliefs have always separated me from the majority and it wasn’t until years 6-7 I began to realize why.







    It is mighty hard to say but I believe I can repress it from you no longer. For as long as I can remember caring about it, I have never been attracted to a girl; I always assumed this was because I just didn’t know what attraction was or maybe that I was just not ready but when I started high school I began to feel attraction towards some people, but unlike them I was attracted solely other males. I struggled with this inner daemon for many year’s, much to your surprise I would assume but I even sought professional help about it’ as well as counsel for friends and family.

    This confusion resulted in much conflict within myself and an inability to open up to others and much sadness. For close to 3 years I battled a confusing battle of puberty, growing up and learning about life and the people in it before I came to understand and come to terms with myself; I was no longer confused nor sad or suppressed; I knew for the first time I was Gay.

    Although I have an inkling you already suspect this, I guess this must come as a big surprise to you.

    This where it is most dangerous for both of us that you jump conclusions and start making assumptions about myself, you and the life we have lived.

    The story is complicated and long and not one meant for this letter but one thing I would like to make clear for you; which I’m sure will put a lot into context for you is about my coming out.

    You have said to me and XXXXXX and other people as well that the sudden change that happened a few months after my birthday last year has been so sudden. I started changing heaps, my social life sky rocketed, my school ethics changed, every aspect of me changed and I seemed a new person. I put old habits behind me and took up new ones, made new friends and got into new things.

    I’m assuming by now that you’re guessing that, that sudden change is somehow linked to my ‘coming out’, if you are then you’re correct. 9/11 (oh the irony) was my official ‘coming out of the closet’ day and the beginning of the worst months of my life.

    I would like to stop any denial or questioning of it here and now by saying YES, I have known for a long time, there is no such thing as ‘chosing’ you sexuality, YES I have experienced sexual interaction with both females and males and most definitely understand my preferences. It is not possible for me to be ‘turned’ and as much as I may hate it; I will always be this way. It is a natural phenomenon of life and is by no means ‘wrong’ ‘evil’ or ‘sick’.





    I hope that you are not hurt by my not telling you; despite the fact that every kid at school, all of XXXXXX and most of my family knows it already I found you harder to tell then anyone you that is why I have left you till last. Please do not be hurt by this but my first priority in life is looking out for me, and part of that survival is avoiding conflict whenever possible. It was the paranoia and fear you not accepting that made me hesitate to come out to you. But the weight of living with you, living a lie to you has become to heavy and I have to shed it ignorant of the repercussions.


    I know of your beliefs of homosexuals and their relating stereotypical lifestyles and I would like to reassure you that despite all you may thinks; I was ALWAYS like this, always will be and just because you now know does not mean I will suddenly change and become really feminine or a tranny or whatever.

    I will change in no way and please understand that almost everything you know of gays is stereotypical BULLSHIT and I will by no means fall into those stereotypes. Although I do believe that even if I do; it should not matter to you.

    I would also like to reassure you that you are not suddenly going to lose any chance of grandchildren. Everything you have heard me say about wanting kids in the future is true and I will overcome any obstacle that wishes to prevent me from having children of my own; I understand it will take you a long time to come to terms and accept wholeheartedly (if ever) that they will in fact be raised by 2 male figures and as long as you can do that; you will be welcome in their life as the typical spoiling grandfather I know you want to be.


    The homophobia is experience on a daily basis from kids, friends, peers, teachers and the community as a whole is an extremely powerful and abusive force that is so far entrenched in their beliefs that not amount of media attention, law and legal action will ever make them accept me.

    You may not believe it to be so extreme as I make it sound but the fact that I am constantly discriminated against, abused and harassed both physically and emotionally has worn away at me so much that it has lead to sever depression on my behalf and a loathing for XXXXXX High School and this town so strong that I feel no amount of time or apologies will ever overcome it.









    When I first came out word spread like wildfire and I began to experience the homophobic views of the area within just days; soon teachers began to hear the rumors and even kids from other schools heard. I tried to be strong and not retaliate, I took it all in stride and thought that maybe if I gave them time they would learn to accept or maybe even respect me for what I am. But now close to a year later it has done nothing but increase and I can no longer take it. Before you jump to conclusion and try to justify the people of this area or to lessen what I say please understand I have never retaliated, I have never fought back, I have sought the help of supportive teachers and friends, professional help but to of no avail.

    Now I’m sure this has cleared up a lot of things for you but it is not the only crisis’ I face.

    Not my rapidly declining number of friends.

    Not the extreme loneliness I experience constantly being the only male inclined guy in the area.

    Nor even my physical inabilities and appearance.

    But you.

    This may come as a surprise and I hope you do not take this the wrong way but it has affected me greatly living with you in this manner.

    Having to lie to you about one of the most important things in my life and hearing some of the things u have said about ‘my kind’ ignorant to my own beliefs has hurt beyond repair. The guilt I feel is so extreme that I often can not bear it and break down and do stupid things.

    Also the sadness I feel for you; I know very well you do not like me to see you in this way but your past, the way you drink recently (both knowing you have Hepatitis C), your smoking, how I see your health decline and how, with it your happiness is too much for me to bear and I feel that I am obliged to be your cure but know I can never be that. I can not bear to see this and feel I must escape. I can't take seeing you slowly kill yourself.

    That lack of people with common interests and the loneliness.

    The lack of opportunities and paths I can take in this area.








    All this has built on me for so long.

    I can take none of it any longer.

    I am sick and tired of depression, sadness and loneliness.

    I am over crying myself to sleep knowing you can never know why and that you could never understand.

    I am tired of the sympathy and wasted efforts of good people like XXXXXX and XXXXX whom fight to defend me at every moment but never to any avail; only be discriminated against themselves.

    These are burdens that they should never have to carry and even more so; I shouldn’t have to carry.

    I have tried too many ways, for too long and know now that my minority will not prevail here for a very long time.

    The only solution left is for me to leave.

    I have heard so many times your beliefs on me leaving and us changing our lifestyle.

    But in my head and as you have said so many times ‘It’s for my own good’

    Well you decided what was good for me believing you made the right decision, and with what you knew of me at the time you did make the right choice.

    But people, the world around us and circumstances are constantly changing and now I live a life I have not been happy in for many years. And what’s best for me is what makes me happy’ which is something only I can chose.

    Now that I am heading onto 16 and am about to gain a large amount of independence I feel it is time for me to move on.

    I have spoken to many people and sought much help and counsel from family and friends and have discovered I have much support from people away from home.

    Me and mum have spoken at length to >Brother's name<, he has offered and supplied much support.








    I beg for you to try and understand my situation; allow me to make a decision for myself that I believe is right.

    It deal me a heavy blow to chose without your blessing, but for me to make the wrong decision in my eyes would be even worse.

    Please do not confront me about anything in this letter for a few days. I want you to read it many times over; research the topics in it, try to relate and empathize and comprehend the important of what I’m saying.

    Think about it for a few days before you talk to me, I don’t want you to jump to conclusions or be confused about anything. Know what you really believe before you talk to me about it and be truthful.

    A few links that I pray you will read because they will help both of us greatly in the long term.

    Please take the time to read and understand the words written in these sites.

    http://www.emptyclosets.com/forum/showthread.php?t=930 (first post only)

    http://www.wikihow.com/Accept-That-Your-Child-is-Homosexual-or-Bisexual

    http://ezinearticles.com/?How-To-Deal-When-Your-Child-Is-Gay&id=623445


    All I ask for is continued and unconditional love, support, forgiveness and acceptance.


    P.S
    I love you.

    Jasper Jai'ah Pool.

















    [/I]
     
  2. Lexington

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    Your letter is well-written. You make your points well and rationally.

    As for your lost friends, e-mail them something, too. Say "I'm sorry. I was hoping my coming out would help get my life back on track, and it certainly wasn't meant to cause you any grief. I'm sorry you had to put up with some crap on account of me coming out. I'd hoped that you'd stand by me as a friend rather than listen to the things said by people you don't care about, but you'll have to do what's right for you."

    As for moving, I don't know. Will the new place be any better? Is it more "gay friendly"? Or are you hoping to just get a clean start, and this time stay in the closet?_

    Lex
     
  3. Jim1454

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    Wow. (*hug*)

    Well Gumtree... this was a remarkable post to read. It was brave of you to acknowledge to us here that what you've presented here in EC wasn't the real you. I'm sure I feel the same way others will - not angry at being misled, but sad that you didn't feel comfortable enough from the beginning to really be yourself. This is what this site is all about.

    But now you're in that place - so congratulations. NOW you're really OUT. And things will just get better from here on in - I'm sure.

    You're note to your dad was pretty incredible.

    My only thought... Don't try to take on the world on your own. You're not yet 16. And while you might feel that you're mature and ready to take on the world, you shouldn't be expected to. I'm glad you're still in touch with your mother, and that your older brother is ready to help you. Be sure to lean on them as much as you need to.

    And be sure to lean on us too.

    I'm really sorry to hear that your family has disintegrated the way that it has. This must have been very difficult for you and everyone involved. I'm sure there are lots of people here that can relate to that.

    I'll leave it at that. I'm glad you felt comfortable enough to share all of this with us. I hope your dad reacts well to that note. Take care. (*hug*)
     
  4. Louise

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    Fantastic letter. I don't think there is anything else you can add or anything to take off. Your dad can be proud of you for your clear analysis and introspection. It is a very nice, thoughtful touch to give him the links he will need to come to terms with your sexuality.

    Maybe your dad will be ready to move away from the area with you. Being 16 and having more independance doesn't mean that you are ready to take on the world by yourself, you are still a minor and NEED the help and guidance a parent is supposed (and your dad is trying) to provide.

    I'm sure your dad has made mistakes, show me a parent who always get it right... they just don't exist! At least he is trying his best and has accepted his responsabilites in raising you alone. This might just be what your dad needs to shake him up a bit and stop drinking... you never know.
     
  5. Condoguyhfx

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    What a tremendously great letter you wrote to your Dad. I sincerely hope he will come to you with open arms and the compassion only a parent can provide.

    As for your friends ~ it would be easy to say they were never really your friends if this is how they reacted, but I have found that everyone needs their own time and space to adapt to the new scenario. If they never come back to you then I am sure there are plenty of other caring and fantastic people out there waiting to become your friend.

    Good luck on your journey. How terribly incredible I find it that at 15 you have already planted your two feet firmly on the ground.

    Wishing you a lifetime of happiness.

    -C-
     
  6. Gumtree

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    Firstly, thank you so much to everyone who bothered to read my seemingly long post. All of including the letter is rather scrambled and doesn't sound as good as it did when i wrote it at 2am last night.

    Thanks so much for all your positive support!

    I totally agree with all of what you have said, and that's why I was hesitant to leave during the initial breakup; am i really ready to live without one of my parents?

    I did a lot of reflecting and came to the conclusion that maybe it would be better if i tried.

    Just to clarify, the brother i mentioned is in his 30's is in fact gay as well (although he has a different dad to me, same mum) his partner is in early forties and has 4 kids (all 18+ now) so there would be no lack of a parental figure.

    As for the area, well i live in a small country outback town about 2 hours from the coast with the predominate industry being farming and the abotuars (omg how on earth do you spell that?) he grew up in this town as well and hated every moment, he failed his HSC because of his lack of motivation due to depression and when he finally managed to leave he went to Canberra (Australia's Capital) he restarted his life and did school again and for the first time enjoyed it; it was a lot more accepting and just because of the cultural diversity more open about different lifestyles and cultures. He is still in Canberra and that was where i proposed to move to.

    As for the friends, I kind of agree with the people that say they weren't real friends to start off with anyway. There will always be a sense of loss i guess and i assure you i will follow Lexingtons idea and attempt to reclaim some before i leave.

    Thanks for all your continued support, i will keep you updated :slight_smile:
     
  7. davo-man

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    That was a great letter, really clear and well-written. I would support you moving to Canberra. I think a new start may help, however I also support what Lex said in emailing your friends and telling them that you didn't mean for them to get hurt in any of this. Good luck! I'm looking forward to hearing how your dad reacts
     
  8. Rahata

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    Wow that's incredible. I hope it goes well for you I wish you luck and yea as for you friends. See what happens after you e-mail them I'm sure they'll come around. My best friend stopped talking to me for about a month after I came out to him lol... so don't be worried they could just be scared too.
     
  9. Gumtree

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    Well dad arrives home in a few hours and will surely read the email when he does.

    The suspense is so annoying lol, i'm not afraid of his reaction anymore because i know now that if it's bad i can leave knowing i tried.

    I will keep you all posted!

    I was in Sydney from last Wednesday til Saturday and i didn't realize that i had missed my half yearly exams until today when i was made to do them. Kinda shit that as i didn't get time to study and had no idea what my exams were on. Did OK though i guess.

    I'm going to start writing an email to some of my friends now! :grin:
     
  10. Gumtree

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    Okay verdict is in and it went okay i guess.

    He seems to be accepting of it and i am glad he was open about everything. He said he was very shocked and is a bit disappointed; and very hurt he was the last to know but glad its all in the open now.

    I did go well in the sense that not if need be he is willing to move to a whole new area and start afresh; but the problem is i don't know if that's what i want?
     
  11. Jim1454

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    Well I'm glad you've gotten past that with your dad. Good luck!
     
  12. Grof142007

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    Wow an amazing letter. Im Truly glad everything going ok hope it get even better
     
  13. beckyg

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    I'm glad everything went well. I expecially liked the "spoiling grandfather" part. :slight_smile: I hope your Dad moves quickly past this shock and becomes a loving and accepting father and grandfather. (someday!)
     
  14. Sam

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    Great letter. I'm glad that he took it well keep us updated on how things are going. We are all here for you if you ever need to talk. Things will get better with the other things going on in your life but at least your coming out went well! Good luck with everything!

    Sam
     
  15. Louise

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    It is difficult at any age to make these kinds of choices and decisions let alone at 15. If you are willing to give it a try it might be a good time to make a fresh start somewhere else with your dad. This gives both of you a new start, your dad can work on his drinking and you can find a new start in a new school with new friends.

    Living with your brother seems like it should work out but it does leave your dad out in the cold a bit and all he has ever done is try to be a good dad so he might feel a bit hurt and rejected. I know this is not your problem but you mentioned you already feel a bit guilty about him there is no point making it worse especially as he has said he is ready to make a new start.

    Any decisions you make now don't have to be life long, you can try and live with your dad, see how it goes and go and live with your brother if things don't work out or vice versa. If you do chose to live with your brother let your dad know that you still want him in your life and make a bit of effort to include him and things should work out.

    Good luck whatever you decide.
     
  16. awesomeap88

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    Excuse my dumb question, but what do you mean by this? Are you saying that if you want, your dad is happy to move away to a new area with you? Assuming that this is the case, it is probably understandable that you are not sure. In your earlier posts you appeared to be expecting an adverse reaction from your dad and it seemed like you were ready to move to Canberra away from him. My suggestion is to just take a few days to think about it all and work out what you want to do. Don't try and rush your decision or let anyone pressure you into a decision. If it helps, make a list of pros and cons of all your options.

    Either way you go, if you do choose to make a fresh start (with or without your father), it is going to mean some big changes in your life. When I was 15, I moved house to a new area. I could have stayed at the school that I was going to but I chose to change schools so I could get a fresh start. In hindsight, while I was glad to have moved on and made the change, I found that I also regretted changing schools and missed my old school. I found it really hard to make new friends, my grades slipped and at one stage in Year 12 I was so overworked and miserable at school that I almost changed back to my old school. My parents refused to let me and the only thing they would let me do was go part time and do Year 12 over 2 years. While this may seem like a bad news story, I did actually enjoy my time at my second high school. Sometimes I also wish I had started high school there in the first place. Now that I am a bit older and have been out of school for a couple of years, I realise that they are just schools. They both do the same thing, just in different ways with different people in a different location.

    The purpose of me telling this story is not to put you off moving. I am just trying to make you understand that while the grass may look greener on the other side, when you get there chances are the grass will be just as green there as it was on the original side you came from. You will still be the same person, just in new surroundings with new people. It will take time to adjust to the new surroundings and the quicker you adjust, the better it will be for you.

    I hope everything goes well for you. (*hug*)
     
  17. Bromptonrocks

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    Wow! There aren't many things that move me to tears but your letter did. I felt strong emotion in every word. You are an incredibly mature person!

    Most of what I would say has been said. I'm glad your dad took it well. Give him time and he'll be your strongest ally. Your mates may need time but you also need to question if they were real friends in the first place.

    Good luck over ther next few weeks/months. This period will be crucial in cementing the future for you and your family. Keep us posted. (*hug*)
     
  18. Gumtree

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    Well there's another update!

    All has gone well, my dad has already moved on from the shock and now its like it never happened except that we're both totally comfortable talking about anything now.

    I had a good day at school and got my half yearly exam marks back today and realized i was topping my year in almost every subject; and thought to myself should i risk losing that by changing schools??

    A friend of mine (to put it into context; if my school was the one in the movie 'Mean Girls' she is Regina George) confronted me today and apologized big time and wants to make up for it all.

    I have a lot to look forward to i guess, being such a rural area and all the HSC doesn't really count for much so most kids leave at the end of year 10. Most of the kids that leave are well... bogans, thugs, meathead, jocks and dickheads so that really improves your array of peers. Probably the biggest advantage is the sudden change in respect you receive from teacher's because they know you're there because you want to, not because you have to.

    Still a while off but im trying to be optimistic :grin:

    I still have to deal with significant homophobia on a daily basis but it feels easier to handle now.

    I'm still considering moving and whatnot but i decided to leave off any decision until just before the end of semester; so if it happens, i will start at the beginning of a new semester.

    And thankyou Louise for bringing that up. My newfound compassion for my dad is what keeps me here i guess.

    Thanks for sharing your story Awesomeap88; i will take it to heart :slight_smile:

    Gosh looking back over that letter again im surprised you could understand it at all; it was written in the heat of the moment and i needed that momentum to gather the strength to hit the send button; no time for proof reading then!


    P.S
    Mean Girls Rox.
     
  19. Davo

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    I found your letter very well written and incredibly touching. It seemed to have the desired effect though, I'm glad you and your dad are getting on so well.

    I think it's wise to give some more thought into moving before you make a decision. It's a really positive sign when the Regina George of the school apologises to you. When you reach the age where all the dickheads leave, school does seem like a much better place. As you're doing well academically at the moment I'd think before uprooting yourself, but I'm sure you will, you've shown great maturity in your letter so I have faith you'll make the right decision for you. It's better when its your own decision rather than being forced out as it seemed in your first post, I'm glad things seem much better now. All the best and keep us posted