New here...need help.

I'm literally going insane right now. I want to tell him I love him so much, but I'm not emotionally in a place to be rejected. I just can't handle it.

I just need to vent my feelings and hopefully hear from others going through the same, or have gone through the same before. I know, it gets better, but sometimes it's just so hard.

Sorry if it's a bit scattered, I'm just writing everything as it comes to mind.

So I'm a HS sophomore and a total band geek. Joining marching band my freshmen year was by far the best decision I've ever made. Without our band program, and the absolutely fantastic people apart of it, I'm not sure if I'd be alive to type this right now.

I've always been sexually attracted to men, but I've always had the desire to be in a relationship with girls, even had girlfriends who I truly felt I loved (but as I gain wisdom, lolno not the case). But now...things are different.

So this one time at band camp freshmen year, I met this amazing guy. I didn't fall for him until much later, but we soon became best friends along with several others in our group. There's three of us (me, him, and Caitie) (Sorry if using real names is a big no-no here). We're literally like family, we even call her "mother" and we're her sons (identical twins born from Narnia, really long elaborate story born out of Geometry-induced boredom).

But back to him. Last year in concert band, we took a trip to California to work with some studio musicians...and spend all day at Six Flags. Our hotel room is where the real fun began, even with two others, truth or dare (I don't even know why we were playing it) ended in us hugging, laying on each other, and other less-than-masculine things I can't remember at this point. Afterwards, we slept in the same bed and we faced each other and I always found an excuse to shift positions to somehow touch him. The next day was even better, at Six Flags we pretended (as a "joke") to be a gay couple and we even held hands at various times throughout the day.

But oh man. Sophomore year man, sophomore year. It's absolutely brilliant. Even though we only have marching band (oh yeah, any other band kids here?), lunch, and biology honors together (we have EVERY class together next semester. Words can't describe how excited I am for that). When our biology teacher let us chose our seats (as a trial), we, of course, sat by each other and oh man. I lived for biology. We'd randomly hold hands and act like a couple. He'd put his arm around me, and sometimes I felt like he'd find every excuse to touch me the same way I did for him. Oh yeah, in our gigantic band family, we're a married couple :icon_bigg.

We always sit together on the band bus, and we'd just be really close. Don't really know what to say. At our last pep assembly, our director told us to sit as close to each other as possible, and he "jokingly" sat in my lap even though we're in different sections and technically aren't supposed to sit with each other, but we do anyway. (He's first Alto, I'm a t-sax).

We're just starting to spend more and more time with each other and ugh, I just really love him so much. I'm obsessed with him. He's my first thought when I wake up, and my last thought when I go to sleep. I've never "liked" a guy before, and not even a girl to THIS extent. I just yearn to be with him. I live to be with him, my day is absolutely made when our group of friends walk to Subway or BK after school and we hold hands.

Buuuutttttttt then he always makes it a point to say he's straight. Before all this started, if someone said something that might imply he's gay he just bluntly stated I GET BONER FOR WOMEN. And now he has a girlfriend, and he's pretty touchy-feely with her. Yet I feel like he's more touchy-feely with me, and he's already admitted he spends more time with me than he does with her. And yesterday, something similar came up in a conversation (just me and him wandered off to talk for a bit and vent some frustrations about non-related things) and he said he's completely confident with his sexuality like 50 times. I can't tell if he really feels that why, or he's over compensating/pretending. Just ugh. I hate this so much. I just want him so bad, not necessarily sexually, but my life would be made to we could just be....together.

What's really driving me insane if the fact I can't tell if we're just REALLY close friends, or he wants it to be more. I sure as :***: do. It's one of those things where if I tell him, he might reject me and I'm back to having nobody, which almost caused me to end my life. (I have really low self esteem/worth, and if I don't have someone to talk to I just get really depressed and start hating myself). My other best friend, Caitie, is super religious and hints towards being homophobic. I'm really religious too, I play in my church's band, I love God and I know he loves everyone and you know, he CREATED homosexuality and I'm pretty informed on what the Bible actually says regarding homosexuality (mistranslations, different meanings of words, etc.) so the whole JESUS OR GOD HATES GAYS and all that BS really gets to me, even if I wasn't gay myself. I think Josh feels the same way, he's also a regular at his church, but he definitely isn't homophobic, lol. I'm just so afraid of losing the very people who completely changed my life, yeah, I know, they should accept me for who I am in a perfect world. I wish that was the case. I think they would, but just the not knowing factor. Even if he/they accepted me, and he's actually 100% straight, I fear losing the holding hands and "couple" stuff. I live for that.

Thanks for taking the time to read my novel, I already feel so much better just writing it down.

And Josh if by some miracle you're reading this, I freaking love you.