So..I've been thinking about why in the world coming out is such a difficult thing to do. It's just not very rational in my case. I am 100% sure my family care more about what I had for breakfast a week ago than what my sexual orientation is. They're all supportive of the LGBT community and very liberal. The same goes for my friends. Even knowing there are homophobic asshats out there almost spurs me on in a slightly masochistic and/or provocative way to come out. But the thing is..I feel like such a huge hypocrite because I've been posing as a straight ally and advocating for LGBT rights under false pretense for soo many years it's actually sickening. What does my support for my gay friends mean when all along just pretending to be straight myself? What good does my waving that rainbow flag at pride parades and speaking out for marriage equality do when at the same time refusing to be truthful about my own sexuality? I remember when a good friend of mine came out and I asked him why he didn't tell me earlier, like I was offended or something that he didn't trust me enough. Hi kettle. My fear at this point is more about being called out for the liar and fraud I am than anything else. :eusa_liar Did any of you do this straight ally-act prior to being out? Or the opposite, hiding behind homophobic remarks etc? In either case, how did people react with you doing a 180 by coming out yourself?
They react with - "What?! But you used to think Robbie Williams was hot!" and "But you went on a couple of dates with guys didn't you?" and "How do you know? Are you really sure?"
I know how you're feeling. My family and friends didn't have any problems with me being gay either but all the years of lying about girls backfired and some of my close friends didn't get why I lied to them about who I really am at first. I lied to make myself feel better despite knowing they actually don't care about my sexual preference. I pretended to be straight so I wouldn't be confronted about things I didn't have the guts to talk about I guess.
What it means is you are human. When I was in high school a female co-worker came out to me and thanked me for being so supportive....30 years later I'm out. My close male friend of 25 years came out in college. Again I was silent. He was the only one a bit surprised but not upset at all.
I am doing the "straight ally-act" right now, although the correct term would be the "straight-acting-ally-act". Nothing wrong with being an ally, just the straight acting part. Have never done the homophobic remarks bit, but part of the straight-acting role is to say nothing when you should say something when others do the homophobic remarks or the homophobic jokes bit. I feel bad about that; that is my karmic punishment for not being truthful about myself yet. Can't answer your last question, but I don't have a good feeling about when it happens, IF it ever happens. My dilemma, just like yours.
"My fear at this point is more about being called out for the liar and fraud I am than anything else" Yes, how DARE you have the nerve to worry about public opinion. How could you be such EVIL as to SUPPORT the LGBT movement and not tell anyone you are a part of it? Remember of course that supporting the LGBT rights movement and BEING LGBT are completely different things. If you were pretending to be gay so you felt you wouldn't feel out of place supporting LGBT rights, THEN you might be a fraud. But seriously, anyone who is likely to give you a hard time for not coming out just because you supported the cause needs their head examined. Coming out is something YOU do when you damn well feel ready for it, not something you do because you feel other people expect it.
This (if you replace Robbie Williams with Orlando Bloom) is pretty much what I expect, not sure why these questions are so terrifying :/ I am (sort of) attracted to guys too so I don't think they will question me dating them, but I know I rarely dated a guy because of attraction but out of social pressure and trying to be (or at least seem) straight and that makes me feel awful ---------- Post added 6th Oct 2013 at 06:50 PM ---------- Did your friends at all get it why you lied? I feel it would have been one thing to not come out and keep my mouth shut, but the blatant lies eats away at me. I mentally facepalm myself when I think about all the times I've said stuff like "I wish I liked girls, guys are just so complicated" or "I am straight but I would totally switch for her" or in some way made sure everyone knew I'm cool with gay and bi people but I'm not one of them. ---------- Post added 6th Oct 2013 at 06:51 PM ---------- This gives me some hope people won't react the way I fear they will. Good for you for coming out! ---------- Post added 6th Oct 2013 at 06:53 PM ---------- I read your thread before joining EC, and it actually got me thinking how I would react if my dad told me he was gay. It's easy to tell people you don't know that they should come out and be themselves, but if this was your child, spouse or parent, would you be as accepting? Now, I don't have a child or a spouse, but I do have two parents, and if either of them came out as gay, I would be proud. Surprised, yes. But mostly proud. I know my reaction to a hypothetical situation says nothing about your life, but maybe both of us have to little faith in our loved ones? Maybe they would react the same way we would if the roles were reversed? I don't know. It might not turn out like a fairy tale, but staying closeted hardly is one either, right? All the best to you. (*hug*) ---------- Post added 6th Oct 2013 at 06:55 PM ---------- lol thanks, this makes me feel a bit less horrible. I know you're right, coming out is a different process for all of us and something we do for ourselves. I don't know why I feel I owe it to people. Thank you
Wow. I feel amazingly similar. I don't think any of my gay friends know I am gay but there were other people I was more afraid of coming out to (including myself) so I decided that it was easier to pretend you were straight if no one knew, including your gay friends. Now after telling one friend I feel much better. It is really scary to say "I'm not who you thought I was..." but I think my LGBT friend was the most understanding. Try not to worry...even if they are little mad, in terms of coming out at least they won't hate you and damn your soul to hell :/ P.S. Loved Orlando Bloom too
I'm glad for you And I do want to follow your advice on this one and tell my best friend, but because she is gay herself and soo open and honest about it (and everything else) and I'm not sure she even gets why this might be difficult. Still, she's one of the few people I trust with my life..so I should probably trust her with this too Feels kind of awkward just saying "hey you whats up I like girls", how do you even start that conversation? ---------- Post added 8th Oct 2013 at 05:45 AM ---------- Right. Still, maybe we're giving people less credit than they deserve? They might just be as understanding as we hopefully would if roles were reversed Hope it all works out for you!
There's a Laura Marling song where she says "Its hard to accept yourself as something you dont desire to be". Its easier to be supportive of a friend than be true to yourself
Personally, my friends had always asked me if I was gay and I always denied it because I just didn't want to be the blunt of their jokes (as playful and accepting as they were). I was just a HUGE advocate for LGBT rights before I came out, and now that I'm out to some of the same friends who always asked me, they were just like "why didn't you just tell me?!" They weren't mad or anything that I lied, they were honestly more concerned that I didn't trust them enough or something of the sort. You'll be fine when you come out to your friends, and they will most likely be overwhelmed with how happy they are for you rather than be mad at you for not telling them.
Maaaan, this is me almost exactly. I'm a huge LGBT supporter, I have one good friend who is Trans, and many friends, and co-workers are gay. Most close friends know that I am very interested in the transition process, I love watching YouTube videos on people transitioning and all that. It's just SO fascinating to me, and I love seeing people go from miserable to absolutely loving themselves. I also say that, "Oh, man so-and-so is hot, I'd bang her" and my friends think I'm joking, or some of them will ask, "Are you gay? Do you like girls" and I just deny, deny, deny. I have no idea why, well I do, I'm afraid of people being like, "Oh whatever, bi doesn't really exist, you're just confused." Which is very unlike me because I go against the beat of my own drum for sure. It sucks, and I'm sure none of my friends would *honestly* even care, I doubt they'd even ask me, "Why have you lied?". I just, I don't know...I have been given ample opportunity. I totally know where you are though. It sucks...
It is. It sure is. That's what makes me feel so bad, because not accepting that part of myself speaks volumes about my support for my friends. It reinforces the assumption that being gay/bi/trans is an unfortunate trait we should change if we could. If I can't fully embrace my sexuality, why would I expect others to? Thanks for the music tip btw, listening to her right now (and yes, apparently I live under a rock because I've never heard of her before). I hope so! I'm glad it went well for you! ^ This. I have also had opportunity after opportunity but somehow the words just wont come out. No one has ever asked me if I'm gay or like girls though, I'd like to think I would just (wo)man up and say yes if someone did but honestly I'm not sure I would. I think I'm more afraid of admitting to an insecurity by coming out because I've been hiding it for so long than I am admitting I like tits :rolle: I also completely admire trans people, I'm sure it must take a lot of guts making such a change.
I think that's it right there. You've pegged it exactly, I don't have any problems admitting that I like dem boobies, it's just the fact that I have denied/hid it.
Soo. I told my mom today. Got the exact reaction I was expecting, which was a bit awkward because I was so shaken up and emotional about it and she just went "That's it? Why didn't you tell me earlier? I thought you knew you could talk to me about anything. Some people are bisexual and thats perfectly normal" and then went on to gossip about her colleagues I don't know how I feel about it. I knew she wouldn't care so atm I'm not even sure why I told her. I guess I'm just uncomfortable being personal about these things.
