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Possibly the hardest decision in my life, should I give up my baby? (read inside)

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Ella B, Oct 7, 2013.

  1. Ella B

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    Hello everyone,

    My name is Ella, I'm new here and just signed up because I need to talk to someone... I could really use some advice, but nobody knows about this - except for one person, and that's the person I can't talk to about this.

    I'm 19 and my best friend and I have known eachother since we both started school.
    I think you already know where this is going... yeah, this is one of those cliché "best friends turning into lovers" stories, I suppose.
    Well, I don't remember when it started, but at some point when we were 15 or 16 I realized I had these feelings for her that I couldn't understand (at the time). I've always loved her more than anything, but the tingly feeling and the butterflies and all that started when we became teenagers. So, one day she kissed me, and one thing led to another. This went on until now and it's developed into something so intense that it frightens me how much I care. We've always kept these things a secret though, we never told anyone or did anything in public.

    I think I can say with 100% certainty, that she's the love of my life.

    I've had countless relationships (and even encounters with girls, too) and no one has ever made me feel the way she does. I know she loves me too and it's hurting her that I can't give her what she wants, which is a real relationship...no more hiding. When I think about it, I'd love nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with her, but I'm just so afraid that I'd be doing the wrong thing.

    I had a boyfriend up until 2 months ago and one night, him and I got drunk and slept together. I never had any strong feelings for him and it was nothing compared to what I feel for her, so I broke it off.
    Well, here comes the tricky part. I'm pregnant. At first I didn't want to have the baby, but now I can't imagine giving her or him up. When I told Charlotte (my best friend) about it, even though she didn't say anything, I could see in her eyes how hurt and confused she was... but she just hugged me and held me and she told me that no matter what I decide to do, she'll always stay by my side.

    I'm in my second trimester now and last night something happened that again made me realize how much I love her. I know I don't deserve her, I know she's much too good for me, but she's actually excited for this baby and she says she can't wait to hold him/her (she loves children, has 3 little siblings and has worked in daycare, she's much better with kids than I am). I know she really means it because I've known her for so long and she's the most genuine, caring and overall simply amazing person I've ever met. She mostly stays over at my apartment now because I feel really crappy in the mornings (and the rest of the day too, really :confused:) and last night she slept over, like usual. We were cuddling on my bed in the evening and I was sort of spooning her from behind and like she was reading my thoughts and knew exactly what I needed at that moment, she turned around, put her hand on my belly and she said "Don't worry, you're strong Ella, you're so strong, you can do this. We'll figure this out together". And then I kissed her. It was perfect. ;_; We said we wouldn't do it anymore since we haven't decided anything yet and no one can know at the moment (my pregnancy is bad enough, I can't also be gay x.x) but I couldn't help myself at that moment. I was just overwhelmed by how much I care about this girl, idk, I can't even put it into words.

    If anyone here has gone through something similar, pease help me. I have no idea what to do. I want this baby, but should I just move away when it's born and raise him/her by myself? I don't know if I could ... it breaks my heart just thinking about losing Charlotte, but I guess I have to choose. It's either her or my child, and I can't give this baby up, she already means so much to me. :frowning2: It's not even about the money or anything, I have a well-paying job as well as a trust fund so that's covered, I'm just trying to do what's best for this baby and I think that would be having a mother and father that love him or her. I grew up with a single mother and my childhood was horrible, so I don't wish that on my baby, but the father is out of the picture (when I told him, he said he wants nothing to do with this) and it's only me now so I have no choice except to raise it by myself, to raise it with Charlotte or to give it up. I just can't imagine a child having two mums. The teasing would be horrible and not having a dad really sucks, I know that first hand. ... Oh boy, this is a long text, so sorry for rambling but I had to get this off my chest. ;_;
     
    #1 Ella B, Oct 7, 2013
    Last edited: Oct 7, 2013
  2. silverhalo

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    Hey welcome to EC, I don't know what you are going through but I will try and offer any support and advice that I can.

    I have a couple of questions, firstly just ignoring Charlotte for a moment do you ever see yourself with a guy? Like could you see yourself falling in love with a guy like you love Charlotte? It might just be from the way you wrote the post but it seems a little bit to me like the only reason you want to be with a guy is so that your child has a mother and father. I am not denying that having a mother and father isn't good for a child it is. However the most important thing for a child is to be with loving parents or parent and to having loving family around them.

    What most scares you about bringing the baby up with Charlotte?
     
  3. Nick07

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    Hi,
    don't give up the baby. It will haunt you your whole life.

    Why would you have to choose between the baby and Charlotte? If the neighborhood is not gay friendly, try to move elsewhere.

    There is a lot of lesbian couples who have their baby, I just don't understand what the problem is...?
     
  4. 143kc

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    There are articles which state that kids with 2 moms are better off than most children. If you live in a homophobic area, could you try to move somewhere else in a few years time? Usually I say "go with your gut" in terms of adoption, but you make it seem like you want to keep your baby.... So I advice keeping it 100%. The regret of giving up a child could ruin you. If Charlotte is open to raising a baby with you, why not? Having 2 parents is always better than having none. A child does not need a mother or need a father, just a stable home where they are loved.
     
  5. Straight ally

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    Actually, i think this is the best time to come out... Why? Most people who are homophobic also have a negative view toward single moms... So... You always wanted to dance in the rain, but you didnt dare to get wet...your shirt just got wet, this is the perfect time to get wetter...go for it! Or at least think about it... This actually might be the chance of you and the love of your life to have a baby! You can be the greatest moms ever!
     
  6. greatwhale

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    I will echo everyone's responses above. There is no reason to give up the child, none.

    You need to confront your belief that a child can only grow up properly with a mother and a father. There are tons of homes like that which can be dysfunctional in the extreme.

    A child is a lesson in love, a child needs parents, of course, but I would argue that you yourself need this child. It is part of being human, of learning to love someone unconditionally . There is no reason why you can't raise a child with a partner who happens to be a woman, no reason at all.
     
  7. biggayguy

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    I know someone that was adopted. She has spent her whole life dealing with abandonment issues. It has affected her relationships to the point that she can't fully trust anyone. If there is any way you can keep your child I beg you to do it. I think having your birth mom and the woman that loves her most as parents would be just fine. Times are changing.
     
  8. toushirojaylee

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    Hi. I've been thinking of your situation. I'm sorry to hear that you are experiencing such confusion. But my advice is to keep them both, because based on your post I knew you loved that girl so much and she makes you happy as well as the baby. It's not wrong to raise your child with her, you're the one who said she loves babies and no one will take care of you and your baby as much as she does. So don't choose. Keep them both. The hell with what others think. It's how you raise your child anyway..

    This is what I will do when I have my partner in the future. We will raise and love our child no matter what and I will be the father..
     
  9. AmiBee

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    My 9 year old son has two moms. He is happy, healthy, smart and has many friends. Toe women can definitely raise a child together. I do live in a relatively gay friendly place, but even if you don't, that is not reason to give up your child.