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Who am I?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Closet88, Oct 7, 2013.

  1. Closet88

    Full Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Liverpool, UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I've just checked before writing this thread and realised it's been almost 6 months since I last posted on here! I'm still a regular visitor to the site, reading lots of stories and messaging people, but lately I just haven't been inspired to write anything.

    Over the last few months, I have been going to gay bars with people I work with. These guys are predominantly gay, yet still I can't bring myself to tell any of them that I'm gay too. It's not through fear of family finding out, because none of my work friends know my family. I really can't explain what it is. If I'm honest, I feel like part of me sees myself as too good to come out, and I don't mean to sound like a dick when I say this, because I have never seen myself as better than any of the gay people I know. I suppose it may have something to do with me not having much in common with these guys. I will go out and drink with them, but I can't really have a cohesive conversation with them because I don't really have much in common with them. I always feel like I'm in a world of my own. It's really frustrating because this is a perfect chance for me to come out to people I know will accept me, however even then the thought of doing so still terrifies me, as I don't want people to see me in a different light.

    As well as my ongoing struggle with my sexuality I've also been feeling quite down lately about where my life is heading, and I'm struggling to understand just who I am. I am aware that people change, but over the last year or so I have changed for the worse, and I really don't recognise myself anymore. I used to be quite healthy, regularly exercising and enjoying a drink occasionally with friends. Over the last year however, I have piled the pounds on as I seem to eat a lot more and never exercise anymore, always using the excuse that I'm too tired after work. My job is getting me down, as I seem to just be wasting my life away, and I keep saying I want to do things like travelling, but I never seem to get anywhere, because I'm usually all talk, and never actually do anything to further my plans. And I never go a week without drinking. And by drinking, I don't mean a few drinks, I mean going out at 4pm and staying out until 9am the following morning. I know it's not good, there is a part of me which knows I need to make some changes, however this part of me never manages to defeat the other voice in my head which encourages me to keep on going the way I am because it's fun at the time.

    I probably come across as being a bit crazy on this post, and people will probably think I need to get over myself. I just felt the need to rant today as I'm not feeling myself lately, and writing usually helps.
     
  2. BookDragon

    Full Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Cambridge, UK
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Getting over yourself is hard as hell when you hit that slump! If you really feel its affecting you, since you are talking about excessive drinking, lack of motivation and general misery, maybe talk to a doctor about depression, the might be able to refer you to CBT or something, it worked wonders for me.

    As for coming out, if you don't have much in common with those guys then it makes sense you might not feel comfortable coming out to them. Ideally you want to tell someone you know and like who will be cool about it! Do you have anyone else you could tell who isn't actually gay themselves?
     
  3. Closet88

    Full Member

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    Location:
    Liverpool, UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Thanks for your comment. I've never really thought about taking to a doctor. I don't really feel comfortable enough doing that, especially if I mention depression. Again, it's a case of me thinking things will sort themselves out in time and I'll eventually feel happy again.

    The majority of my friends are straight, so I technically could tell them. Again though, I just don't feel ready to actually tell them. I find it really hard to talk to people about things, especially feelings. It's easier doing it in an environment like this because I don't know anyone and I feel relatively comfortable being able to write without the fear that someone will find out my dark secret. As i said though, there is a small part of me that wants to talk about my feelings and stop bottling everything up, it's just that this small part can never seem to break through, and I always just go along with doing what everyone else does, due to my stupid fear of caring what people think all the time.