I'm currently in a bit of a stalemate. I've met this guy that I have become quite fond of. We've had a few very (emphasis on very) successful dates, one of which ended in some activities that were quite surprising. Anyhow, the point is, I've begun to really be fond of this person, and I'm quite infatuated. The issue is fourfold; first, he's been very busy recently, and hasn't had much time to spend with me. I can understand him being very busy, but it's very difficult for me not to translate this into a lack of interest. We are slightly geographically separate, but I'd rather not have to wait two weeks before seeing him again. I've been assured by some close friends of mine that me turning this into a lack of interest is silly, as he's given me a few reassuring signs. From off-hand remarks about being interested in our potential relationship, to things about him missing me, or not being able to wait to see me. They can see this as being reason enough for me not to doubt him, but I can see this as possible "diplomacy" on his part. Thirdly, I'm quite wary of my interest in him, and I'm feeling as though I'm covering new ground here. It's my first potentially serious gay relationship, and I'm trying to make sure that I don't smother him, or seem too interested. I receive what feels like little communication from him, and I have lots to talk to him about; we share many common interests (including possible business ventures). Fourth has to do with my self-confidence. I have an unfortunate habit of idolizing those that I am fond of, and depreciating my self-worth in comparison to them. As a friend of mine remarked, I shouldn't do this, because I have "the same right to exist and the same value as him". I found that to be useful advice, but I can't help but feeling socially inferior to him. I don't understand what the constructive value is in comparing myself to him, but I feel that I'm "not good enough" for him. He is outgoing, extremely charming, and very good with people (also, his business is more successful than mine :roflmao. I'm reasonably sure that he likes me, but I don't know if I'm interesting enough to hold his attention, or if I'm going to bore him quickly. I'm pretty concerned about this last part. Oh, and as an epilogue to all of this, another (more minor) possible concern is that he's just using me for sex (remember how I said that first date went well :icon_redf?). I've been advised to be wary of this, and as I maintain, sex is easy to find, but a good boyfriend is not. Any recommendations, comments, criticisms, or ranting is welcome, and I'm very happy to hear it. Thanks for reading my drama . Matthew
Hi Matthew. The key thing to remember here is that you ARE covering new ground, so give yourself permission to have these doubts and questions. It's quite natural. And remember that no matter how this turns out, it will be a learning experience for you. You'll be better prepared for your next relationship as a result of this one. I think people's first 'gay' relationship always hits them hard. You are finally allowing yourself to be with someone that you really want to be with. You're allowing yourself to have feelings that you perhaps have never had before for another guy. As a result they can be pretty overwhelming. Again - natural. Just beware. I don't think it hurts to be honest with people. In fact, I think that's what makes for really great relationships. So be honest without appearing too crazy! (It's tough some times if you're really, really into someone.) Some people are pretty tough to read though. If you got intimate with this person the first time you got together, his motives might be different than yours. Only time an a few more dates will allow you to know for sure. But congrats on this new chapter in your life. it's pretty awesome - for sure. When you find that person that you click with, it's like nothing you've ever experienced before. Good luck!
Thanks for your advice, Jim! I'll go through your advice in the order in which it was written (heh, I sound like an automated e-mail system or something). I like to think of myself as being honest in matters of the heart. I'm hoping that my true intentions come across clear. His motives might be different from mine, and while I think this is possible, I believe that the signs that he has given might be indicative of otherwise. He interacts with me in a very affectionate manner (and I guess he's going with me to prom ), and while this might not be evidence that contradicts the possibility that he's in it for just the sex, I think that if I talk to him about where this is going, I'll be able to figure it out. I'm excited for the possibilities, the potential for happiness. That being said, I'm trying to keep myself "diversified" in the event that I'm being exploited, or that this doesn't work in the short term. I don't know if that's morally acceptable, but I feel that some insurance might be a good thing. Thanks again, Matthew
i think you should talk to him and let us know how it goes. i hope that things turn out well for you and goodluck. simon
*Sigh*, I guess I let the cat out of the bag a bit quickly on this one... (i.e. first date intimacy). Yesterday, he told me that he'd call me; we were going to do something, but he never called. This is the second time that this happened. Prom ticket for date: $100 Prom ticket for self: $100 Dinner on first date: $60 Tux rental for prom: $150 Bottle of red wine for date: $30 Losing virginity to a shmuck that won't call? Priceless.
You've given yourself the best advice here. There are lots of guys out there who really want someone that they can spend time with and who they can love. This guy is probably not that guy for you. Look at this as a learning experience- you've learned that the emotional side of a relatoinship is an important to you as the physical. Get back out there and find someone who will return your calls and who isn't just interested in sex when he wants it.
