So I really want to come out by the 11th; I feel like it would give me a great opportunity to set a deadline for myself. (I work best with deadlines) The problem is I don't know what to say! A large part of me wants to just come out and follow the flow of the conversation, but another part wants me to at least write a short letter to help start the conversation. However, I feel like the letter I'm writing is too fast-paced. Could you read it over for me and let me know what you think? (Note: This is a letter to my Dad who I know is a Lesbian/Gay supporter. However, I don't know his views on asexuality and I don't know if he understands the concept of gender identity not equaling physical sex. Also the website mention in the letter is not this one! It is a different one that has some useful vocabulary.) Dear Daddy, This is a little sudden, but I would like to discuss my gender identity and sexual orientation. Let's start with the second one, shall we? I am a Grey-A asexual. What does that mean? It means that while I might find some people more "aesthetically pleasing" than others, I'm not sexually attracted to them. That doesn't mean I can't fall in love; I actually think I could fall in love with someone regardless of gender. Next topic, gender identity. In order for this paragraph to make sense, I need you to know that gender identity is not always the same as someone's physical sex. Gender identity is what someone mentally identifies as. So I guess you've noticed that I don't really fit into the female gender roles established by society. I've noticed this too. One of the main reasons is that I don't identify with the gender of "female". I feel like I'm gender neutral because I have such a mixing of female and male traits that I think - mentally - gender does not apply to me. Does this letter make sense? I have no idea how much you know about these topics, but I'll try to answer any questions you have. I also know of a website that has some definitions that might help. So...I guess just process this information and then ask me to elaborate on anything that is unclear. Sincerely, purplekitty There will most likely be a few hours of discussion after I present this letter. So do you think it's too fast-paced? Did I explain myself enough to start a conversation? Anything I should add/subtract? Feedback is appreciated!
I too plan on coming out by the 11th (what better a deadline than National Coming Out Day, right?!) What I like about this letter is that it's straightforward and to the point, you certainly ain't beating 'round the bush which (for someone like me anyway) is the best trait something of this importance can have. I would suggest explaining both Grey-A asexuality and Gender neutrality in a bit more detail in the letter so that you can spend time talking to him about how it applies in your life rather than explaining what it is the whole time, however if that's the way you feel more comfortable, then by all means go for it! I hope everything goes to plan and I hope he takes it well!
Thanks for your feedback! I actually envision the encounter going like this: I hand him the letter. He reads it. If he has questions about the definitions, I can use the website to help me explain (and if I have to, prove that I'm not just making this up). After he understands the concepts, I discuss how it will apply to my life. I guess I could add more detail. I've wondered whether I should, but I'm having a really hard time deciding what to include and what not to include. Most of me really, really wants to just talk about it instead of write it. I have an easier time communicating while talking than while writing. My only fear is I don't know where the conversation will lead. Which is why I wanted to at least create a intro letter to help steer the conversation. Anyway, enough about my hang-ups! So I guess what you're saying is, state a definition for the term, then explain what it means to me. This would be more thought out than cramming both definition and experience into the same sentence. It looks like I've manage to answer most of my questions. Thanks for the help! Also, good luck on your coming out!
Hi there! If you do have an easier time talking with your dad, why not use what you have written down so far, as a guide for yourself when you talk with him? You could think some more about the things you would like to say, and how you would like to start the conversation. In some respects, you are in control when you start the conversation. You could always ask him to listen to all of your words before responding.
You could bring the letter with you and keep it in your pocket. Try talking to him first, and then if you find that you can't bring yourself to say the words aloud, then hand him the letter.
Thanks for the comments! I hope to come out either Wednesday or Friday because I don't have night classes on those days. I really want to make sure that there will be enough time to discuss this. Split Arrows, I like your pocket idea. I could use the letter as a safety net if I can't bring myself to speak! Mirko, I like your guide idea. Maybe I could use an index card to create bullet points that I want to cover in the conversation. That way I would know what topics I definitely want to cover. Thanks again!
Alright, I have my letter ready. I also did some brainstorming to help generate ideas about what to talk about. So, in a little over 12 hours, I'll be out! Here's more of my plan: I wake up early to do homework while I wait for my dad to finish work. Wait for my younger brother to go to his mom's house after he finishes school. Hopefully my other brother won't be home either. By this point my dad will (hopefully) be finished with work, so I'll give him the letter before he starts to watch TV/browse the internet/read a book/etc. Proceed with the rest of the plan that I have already talked about Hopefully, all goes according to plan. I'm not sure why I'm telling you all this. I guess so I can feel like someone is "in the know".
Crud Muffins! I just heard my dad talking on the phone and it appears that my younger brother won't be going to his mom's this weekend. I'm not ready to come out to both of them! He'll be home from school in about half an hour, so there won't be enough time to talk about this with my dad. And my dad isn't done with work anyways (he works from home). Should I just wait for a week when my brother will be at his mom's? Ugh! I wanted to come out today. ---------- Post added 11th Oct 2013 at 03:53 PM ---------- Or maybe I could come out after my brother goes to bed? It would be really late in the day since it's the weekend, but I'd still be coming out on National Coming Out Day, so it might work.
Not to be rude, but honestly I don't get what the big deal is. Should be extremely easy to "come out" as gender neutral and Grey-A. Just tell him you don't have any sexual attraction to anyone. Not pressuring you but, why not tell your brother? Usually brothers are easier to tell secrets to.
Because he's ten and it might be a little weird. Also, I'm nervous because my dad sometimes talks about how everybody is biologically programmed to be attracted to people. Well guess what? I'm not, and I don't know what his opinion will be. Also, the last time I talked about gender not matching sex, he seemed to think the idea was a little ridiculous. So that's why it's kind of a big deal to me.
I probably am making this into a bigger deal than it really is. It's just that I've read so many things about how this is supposed to be so life changing that I guess it's made me a little afraid. That's why I was posting my plans. So I could pretend that I have some insider friends and that I'm not doing this alone. It was supposed to be therapeutic.
Hey. You're never alone okay I perfectly understand why you made that thread. Go with your heart. If you absolutely want to come out on a national coming out day, and soon, you should do it. I did it, today. I almost didn't and I know I would've regreted it, so I did it. It's funny to see how many people were not so surprised. I thought I was hiding it pretty well.. I know that some people find it stupid to come out on national coming out day, but I personnaly think that's it's less random that way. There's only one NCOD a year so it gives you a little push to come out. If you miss that chance, you're gonna think: ''Well now it doesn't matter, since I missed my chance anyway, I can do it tomorrow.'' And you're gonna push it everyday and you'll maybe never come out, or you'll come out much later and regret that you didn't do it sooner. Anyway, it's your choice. Just follow you heart.
That's exactly why I want to do it today. It's hard for me to get things done without a deadline, so this day creates a great opportunity. I'm afraid that if I miss it today, I'll do what you described and put it off for a really long time. But there is hope for me yet! It appears that my brother's mom IS coming to get him. She had a delay and she thought she wasn't coming but it turns out she is. So after he leaves, I'm gonna give my dad the letter and hopefully it will be alright. Thanks for your kind words Valerie! And congrats on coming out!
I think it puts across everything clearly but concisely, making it easier to understand than if you went on for ages. But then I am already aware of gender and sexuality issues (even though I hadn't heard of your particular labels) so that helped. Hope it goes well
Ah okay. I was just curious because I would think that a super majority of people wouldn't care and are more accepting compared to being LGBT. Best of luck to you. Let us know how things go
I actually thought the same thing at first, but after reading about it, I found out that asexual people have had a similar version of discrimination. Also, when I answered your question, I was a little upset and I'm sorry if my tone was snappy. :icon_sad: I would report about my out status, but I'm still not out yet! You know how I said my brother's mom was coming to pick him up after all? Well, she hasn't! She is sick and she told my dad that she was going to pick him up after a little nap, but it's been hours and she probably isn't coming. Looks like I'm going to have to wait for my brother to go to bed after all. Luckily, that shouldn't be too long from now.
Update: I'm out! Here's how it went: It felt like forever before my brother went to bed. It was 12:30. I was pacing back and forth as I waiting for my dad to come back downstairs. When he did, I said, "I've been wanting to do this all day!" Then I gave him the letter. After reading it, he gave me a really long hug. Then we both sat down and proceeded to talk for about three hours. We talked about what the definitions meant. We talked about why I thought this was me. We talked about growing up, being an adult, and having responsibility. We talked about counseling and joining support groups. We talked about family. We even talked about math and science! (yes, it was sort of related.) But mostly, what my dad said to me over and over was that I really need to find myself, look deep to understand who I really am, and own it. And he said that no matter what I found, he would love me and want me to be happy. After the long conversation, it was 3:30 am and we were both hungry, so we ate a little bit and then sat back on the couches to watch some TV. My dad fell asleep a few minutes later. After I turned off all the lights, I started to feel sick. I ran to the bathroom and threw up the food that I ate. It seems I had been more nervous then I thought. Besides that last part, I think it went really well! I think I might take him up on that offer about the counselor. He said they might be able to help me find out who I really am. (This is not an offer of correctional therapy, by the way. Just a professional to talk to about things.) And I might go find a support group. You guys are great here at EC, but I think some face-to-face interaction might be helpful too. So that's it! I don't know what I was expecting, but I'm really glad I did it.
I am really happy for you that you came out, and that it went so well. It took a lot of courage and you went in, and did it! The ideas to see a counselor and being part of a support group are definitively great. Having that extra support will be valuable.
