Hey guys! I've lurked on here for a while, but this is my first post. Guess I'll start my story... I just started coming out about a month and a half ago. I'm absurdly happy. I have a lovely girlfriend and I finally feel like I don't have to keep a big part of myself a secret. Most of my good friends here at school know I'm some variety of queer (I came out to most of them as gay but explained that I wasn't 100% sure). But I haven't told anyone at home, including my parents. My parents and my younger brother are visiting me at school on Friday, and I really want to come out to them (or at least, to my parents.) I'm fairly certain they'll be supportive, I want to be able to tell them how happy I am, and I also feel like I have a certain amount of obligation to tell them I'm dating someone before it's been too long. However, I'm worried about coming out to them because there has been a lot going on in my family lately and I don't want to add to the stress. Among other smaller problems, my younger brother has been having some pretty bad, undiagnosed mental health issues. Every week, I slowly gain confidence about coming out to my parents, and then I call my mom on the phone and she sounds so worried and deflated that I feel really guilty that I have to complicate their lives further. Even though my parents are rather liberal and super okay with gay people, I know this is big news. Basically, I want to be the kid they don't have to worry about, and I'm worried that this will make them worry, especially since I'm going to school in a pretty conservative part of the country. So, I figure I can tell them on Friday, or I could wait and either tell them via phone/email or tell them over Thanksgiving or winter break. If I tell them on Friday, I'll have to get them alone somehow, because I want their advice before coming out to my brother. I'm not sure whether it would be better to wait until a break when we have more time to talk about it (and possibly, but not necessarily, things are better at home) and therefore keep my girlfriend a secret from them for months, or tell them now and risk stressing them out further when they definitely don't need it. Any advice?
First, welcome to EC, Ibz! I feel for you, this is a tough one. The question you need to answer, as Rabbi Hillel would have asked: If not now, when? If the issues with your brother are going to last for a while, when will be a good time? I think you know the answer already. It's not just a cliché to say that there never will be a good or perfect time. You stated that this may increase their worry, why? Are you in imminent danger for being gay or bi? Will you suffer terribly or embarrass the family? Do you think they may have issues with your GF? Are you worried your brother may react badly? You are "absurdly happy"...as a parent, I would be thrilled to hear that from my kids. The rest is part of the deal that comes with being that happy. Take advantage of this "Coming Out Day" weekend, it's a good time to do it.
Welcome to EC! My general feeling is that if you start saying "this isn't a good time" to yourself, you'll find yourself pulling out that excuse at every given opportunity. Right now, they're too stressed. Maybe later, you'll think everything's going great with them, and "I'd hate to spoil that". I have a feeling that if you come out to them in a confident and matter-of-fact way, they're more likely to take it well. At that point, you're letting them know "this COULD have been stressful, but it hasn't been at all". And they hopefully will take a cue from that. Lex
Wow, thanks so much for the advice. I already feel so much better about this. I like the point both of you made about "if not now, when?." Perhaps I should just recognize that now might be good enough, even if it isn't perfect. Honestly, I'm not totally sure. (Maybe that's a sign I shouldn't be worrying so much, eh?) I guess I just feel like this is a pretty big deal and an idea they'll have to adjust to, you know? There's a chance they'll be concerned about how their friends or extended family will react, but I don't really now. And I doubt they'll have a problem with my gf, although they may be a little sad I didn't tell them we were dating earlier (they are under the impression that she's my best friend. True, but not the whole story.) I am worried about how my brother will react. He's a great kid who gets almost as excited about gay rights news as I do, so not worried he'll have a problem with me, but I have no idea how the news will affect him. I'm only at home a couple months out of the year now, so even though we get along very well, I honestly don't know how to interact with him anymore, or what will set him off, and I don't want to ruin his trip out here. This is why I'd like to talk to one or both of my parents before I talk to him. I definitely want to tell him eventually, but I'd like advice from my parents first. This could complicate telling them, since I have to get them alone, but hopefully it will work out. That's a really good point. Thanks. I'll give confidence a try. I want to try to present it as good news that to share with them, rather than, I don't know, something awkward and scary. But I know I'll be scared (just because it's big news), so it might be hard.
