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Missed coming out opportunities...is it MY fault or EVERYONE ELSES?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Hanspogi84, Oct 9, 2013.

  1. Hanspogi84

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    Hi everyone. I'm 29 years old and turning 30 next year...and it's making me feel a lot of REGRET that I wasted my 20's.

    I grew up in the suburbs of New Jersey and I went on to attend college in New York City.

    My college had a relatively large gay student population and many of the professors are also openly gay. Two of my classmates had a biological parent who is gay. I attended school in the Chelsea neighborhood in Manhattan which is the gayest neighborhood in the city. Even the streets adjacent to my dormitory were covered with rainbow flags...

    So you might find it hard to believe that the VERY FIRST TIME I came out to anyone (other than family) was 3 months AFTER I graduated!!! That's after four years of being in a gay Mecca.

    I suppose my reasons for not coming out to anyone can be traced back to how there was such little support for gay people in my high school. I became a recluse because of it and it was completely ingrained in my mind. My only "friend" was a devout Catholic and he was EXTREMELY homophobic (I knew him since elementary school). I never had a social life because I was afraid to talk to people because I wanted to avoid any questions about my sexuality that might come up.

    But anyway, leaving my homophobic high school and heading off to college in the city, I felt that it would be a brand new start for me and that I could finally just be me, out and comfortable with myself. But there were several things which kept me bottled up...

    The other gay students in my dormitory were very outgoing and already comfortable being very out and open. However, I met a handful of really NASTY and VICIOUS gay guys who showed me NO WELCOME AT ALL...They were all stereotypical "Chelsea-boys", attractive party-animals who went clubbing every night...they sure as hell didn't help me become comfortable with myself.

    I ended up having no gay friends, all the closest friends I made were straight and everyone assumed I was straight as well. To make matters worse I became close friends with a few people who were slightly homophobic because of their religious beliefs. My school had an LGBT student support and social group, but I was so uncomfortable with coming out to anyone which is why I didn't join.

    After my 2nd year in college, during summer vacation, I ended up in the behavorial hospital and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder/depression. It was during my time in the hospital that I ended up coming out to my mother and sister for the first time. My mother did not take it well AT ALL. She told me that she didn't think she could ever accept me being gay. Afterwards, she would routinely ask me "Do you still think you're THAT WAY?". Basically that whole coming out experience to my mother was traumatizing that it made me never want to come out to anyone ever again.

    So basically, I never bothered coming out to any colleagues until AFTER I graduated from my "uber gay-friendly college". I came out to my closest straight male friend, who responded very casually "REALLY? You don't seem that gay." (I couldn't have asked for a more "WTF was that?" response).

    I worked in the city for 2 years after I graduated, but I never came out to anyone else other than 3 friends. I'm kind of STUCK right now living and working in the NJ suburbs and it really sucks because people are more closed-minded down here.

    Anyway, I feel like college was a wasted opportunity because I never came out the entire time and I blame a lot of people (and I have a very bitter relationship with my mother)...even though I question if I should be blaming myself.

    What do you think?
     
  2. Nick07

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    I would say stop looking back and regretting what you did or didn't. Focus on the present days and work on having the future you would like to have :slight_smile:
     
  3. hitgirl

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    I agree with Nick07. The only reason to look back at past mistakes is to help you to make better decisions now. You wish you'd come out at college? It's too late for that. But you can come out now... otherwise chances are in another ten years you'll be wondering, why didn't I come out when I was 29, now I'm nearly forty and I'm still in the closet! It really sucks that your first few attempts have been so discouraging, particularly your mother (your friend's wasn't that bad). I suggest you pick someone gay-friendly and come out to them to get the ball rolling again. If you can come out to someone gay or pro-gay, then it will make you feel better. Maybe just keep planning your next step, that's what I keep doing. Five weeks ago I started posting on this site. A week later I came out to two people. Another week and it was three. Another two weeks and it was four. And now it's ten, because I came out to a few people at once. With each one my confidence has built. So start with something small and go from there. Good luck - you can do it :slight_smile:
     
  4. AspieXLDS

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    Regrets can eat up up. As others have said, looking back should only be to help you not make the same mistakes. If you let your past mistakes consume you, you're going to be paralyzed with indecision. Use your past choices as a way of charting the course for your future rather than paralyzing yourself.