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Complicated

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Needhelp78, Oct 9, 2013.

  1. Needhelp78

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    I have never been involved in such a complicated relationship.
    I have never been involved in a lesbian relationship.
    I began a friendship with a coworker. After becoming friends I discovered she was a lesbian. She is terribly protective of this and almost nobody knows this.
    Our friendship continued to grow. Subsequently, I find out she is married to an emotionally abusive woman and is terribly unhappy.
    So, you know the story. I have fallen in love with her. I love her smile. I love her hands. I love the funny little beauty mark on her cheek. I want to kiss her. I want to make her happy. I lust for her.
    I've been someone she talks to about her partner. A helping hand, a sympathetic ear. She says she wants the leave but like a typical abused woman, she is finding this difficult.
    I listen and I resist counseling beyond saying it has to be your choice. I never bad mouth her partner. I have been the loyal friend.
    It's been months that I've struggled with how I feel. I fear saying anything to her because it might threaten our friendship. But there is such an intimacy between us. The way she looks at me like I'm the only one in the room. The casual touches... I just feel like I'm going to burst but I'm so torn about saying anything about the way I feel. But it would seem so self serving. Please, help me find some direction. Help me maneuver through this mine field
     
  2. Abbra

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    Honestly, you need to get her out of that relationship. Not because you want to date her, but because she is your friend. You need to be her friend first and keep her from being abused.

    It can be really scary to help someone. It sucks having to gamble on your relationship. But fact is, that is the true test of a great person. Love isn't just having butterflies and smiles. Love is that moment where your affection has to be tested. Love is caring about someone so much that you are willing to risk your own personal happiness just so that they can be happy. It's scary, but it is absolutely necessary if you want both of you to grow.

    I wouldn't suggest pursuing a relationship with her, at least not yet. But you need to be her friend and help her out of something that is devastating. If you are meant to be together, it will happen. But for now, you have to do the thing that is going to save her. Your relationship can follow.

    Talk to her. Ease into the conversation gently. Just do something.
     
  3. Needhelp78

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    Thank you for your thoughtful comments.
    I can't get her out of that relationship. She has to decide to do that herself. I can't do more than be there to help. It's heartbreaking to listen to what her partner is doing to her. She describes herself as numb and beaten down and empty and trapped. All typical of an abused woman.
    I keep telling her to seek counseling and talk to someone who can help her gain the self confidence and sense of self to be able to leave.
     
  4. Abbra

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    I'm not going to lie and say that this is in my league, because it's totally not. Abuse is a really hard and fragile issue to deal with.

    I would personally seek help from her other friends or family and see if all of you can come up with some kind of solution. It would feel kind for bad breaking confidentiality with her, but I would rather have a shot at helping her and have her hate me. However, this is hardly a black and white issue. This is just what I would personally do.
     
  5. Needhelp78

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    Funny you mention family and friends. Part of abuse is isolation. Her partner has isolated her from her family. Her friends, beyond me, seem to be shared friends with her partner.
    This is truly a nasty situation.
    Her partner despises me so outside of work we cannot communicate.
    I've done a lot of research on how to support an abused woman and it all goes back to giving them the support they need to get up and leave.