So, I am kind of out. I have told my family and about 10 friends. But now I am about to get completely pulled out of the closet by one of those friends. She means no harm, deep down I know she is right, but still I am kind of sccared. This is how the story goes: Last week I asked that specific friend to take me to a gay bar/club. She is really outgoing, she didn't mind, in fact she decided to get in charge in my coming out efforts. We went to a gay club along with another friend. It wasn't all that exciting to be honest. It was actually like going to any other club, though there were only men and most of them were in couples. But I think it was a good experience to get used to being gay in my true, visible life. It was a small but necessary step in my opinion. Anyway, the aforesaid was just an opening to what's coming up. My friend has a friend who has a gay friend. So, after the gay club plan, she thought it would be a great start for me to meet that gay guy. He is single, he is friendly, maybe something will happen between the two of us, she claims. But even if nothing happens, I will still have a new useful acquaintance in the gay world, who could probably guide me in coming out, finding other gay guys and integrating my homosexuality in my life. So she suggested I go out with her, her friend and the gay guy, just a friendly meeting. I understand that she is right, but I am having many second thoughts... Realizing my friend's suggestion means I will leave my closet permanently. I will be outed to the gay guy, to my friend's friend and then rumor spreads, so who knows who else will learn about me. So far I have only confided in trusted friends who won't let a word out to others about my orientation. I don't know what I need from you. Just enlighten me with your experience and wisdom. My friend made the suggestion just an hour ago, so I have not completely rationally processed it yet. But I need to answer her asap, so I please tell me your opinion. Thank you in advance
Maybe "in charge" is a bit exaggerated. What I mean is that she really wants to help me be more social and to gain some experience on relationships. So far, I have been completely on my own, I have never kissed/caressed/touched neither a boy nor a girl, I have never had anyone that's more than a friend. She thinks it is time to change that. I agree, because it would improve my self-confidence and I will be able to build my life without doubting. So, I don't really mind that she wants to speed things up and facilitate my coming out process. Only few people who are not gay can be that understanding and willing to help, so I am actually grateful she's been so helpful so far. But still, the thought that things may change drastically scares me a little. ---------- Post added 11th Oct 2013 at 04:08 AM ---------- By the way, it's 4am here, so I think I should call it a day. Therefore, I will give you more details if you have any questions in 7 hours.
Honestly, I think that you should go meet this guy. First, something might happen between you (however, I think that the chances of that are likely pretty remote, to be honest). The second, and more important, reason is that you NEED gay friends in order to navigate. There are certain things that you can only talk about with other gay people, and a place like EC, while wonderful, shouldn't be your only connection to the "gay world" outside of your partner.
It's your life, not hers. Take charge and do what you are comfortable with. When it comes to being OUT, that is your responsibility and not your friends. Do what you really want deep down inside. Good luck my friend!
Completely agree here with Rainbowman, In-Real-Life trumps anything else; yes, even EC! I am finding this out myself through a gay friend of mine here in Montreal. He's someone I met at the Pride Parade in August, we are not in a relationship (speaking of which, will I from now on always have to say that for all my guy friends?). Because he has more time than me (he's a student from out-of-town who just started a Ph.D. program) and because he is at Uni, he simply has more access to the (student) gay community on a daily basis than I do. Slowly, we are building a network of friends which will be quite interesting...
I think you should meet him with no expectations of hooking up. If it happens great, but it would put more pressure on the interaction than is necessary. I didn't think I needed gay friends when I was first coming out, but then I realized that there were things that they didn't get yet and I was just looking for unconditional support, not questioning; I got this from a community who had already gone through this. Another thing is that my brother had a close friend of over 10 years who came out a few years ago. Said friend has since stopped hanging out with their group because they felt like all of a sudden they had nothing to talk about with him. I found that weird, but it happened to me with a few (prudish ignorant closed-minded) friends too. Other friends took a little time to get used to the idea, and now we're close again, but that transition period was kinda lonely. Unfortunately, some friends might drift away, and when that happens having gay friends around helps. (in addition to your super supportive straight friend!) Another plus is that if you meet him and his friends, you'll not be restricted to meeting gay guys at a club. Clubs are not the best places to meet people with whom you want a lasting friendship/relationship. Lastly, I totally relate to the fear that hanging out with other gay people will cement the label. For me, it was not necessarily a bad thing, because I was really scared of jumping in but once I met some friends in the community and started dating people, it began to feel way more comfortable. I am not necessarily more "out" to random people/coworkers, but I am more out to friends and to myself, which has made my daily life much easier. And I found that people in that community were discrete if I wanted them to be; in fact when I told them I was just coming out they asked me how "out" i was and made sure to respect that.
I don't think there's any rights or wrongs in this situation, just a choice to make. I've decided that I want to tell all my friends and family personally rather than them finding out through rumours, so that I can make sure they know I'm serious about this rather than just hearing 'something' on the grapevine. That's the only argument I can think of for you postponing this get-together, but as the four of you will be going out as friends, I can't think of any reason for you not to do it at some point. And if you do it now, there's no problem really, you can still come out to people afterwards to confirm. Hope it goes well whatever you decide
