I've known I've been queer (I use queer because I'm not a total lesbian I still have crushes on like 3 male celebrities.) for most of my life. Despite the constant yelling of the church I go to, my parents, and well pretty much everyone that I live near. When I was younger- I'd pray to "God" to take my gay away! I'd do anything, just please let me free from this sin. Flash forward to now. I know it's not a sin, I've given up on "God", and my parents have gotten increasingly homophobic. (And they got xenophobic as well.) They are almost at my grandparents level of "kill fags and dykes." And my Gram said, "If any of my grandchildren were one of them homosexuals, I'd kill them on the spot." Gram carries a pistol on her at all times, and has good aim. I'm really depressed because of it. I've always dated men just to keep Dad and Mum happy. I feel like my life is one big lie because of it. I'm at the point of vomiting almost every day I'm so sick of having to hide and pretend that I'm a perfect all American girl. (You know the type, wannabe cheerleader, dating a footballer, harvest time champ.) (I live on a dairy farm.) I want to get this off my chest. Just for once and for all. I don't plan on living in this country any way. I want to move to Auckland, become an Anthropology professor, find a wife, settle down and have kids. I told a few of my more open minded friends that live closer to the city, they're okay with it. I just want them to know I tried to be straight, but failed, and not get harmed because of it.
Hey hun, you are not alone. I totally feel for you in that hostile situation. Don't know how old you are, but if you're still dependent on your parents then put your safety first - if you don't feel safe telling them, then at least wait till you are independent. I can't believe the sound of your Gram - I wouldn't dare tell her either! I don't know what to advise really, just well done for telling a few friends, maybe keep building up your support network of like-minded folks until you are in a situation where you can tell the family.
