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Was it a Bromance or more?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by demac03, Oct 11, 2013.

  1. demac03

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    Hey everyone my name is Dennis. I just came out as bisexual to my girlfriend recently and never in my life have I felt more comfortable. We're on the rocks right now (not because of my sexuality) and it got me to thinking of an old co-worker/best friend of mine ok....

    (This is long)
    I've pondered every now and then as to whether if he had a thing for me or not and I often wonder "what could have been..." here's some things that made me wonder...

    1.) He ALWAYS followed me everywhere, we often went out to lunch together, several times he would try to adjust his schedule so he would end up working the whole day with me
    2.) He texted me all the time and told me his girlfriend was starting to get mad at him for texting me a lot, I think at one point she thought me and him were fooling around as I overheard a phone conversation he had with her
    3.) There was this girl I liked and he made it a point to flirt with her in front of me like he was trying to make me jealous
    4.) Another girl I liked he was playing around with her saying "I know someone who likes you, he's real good looking and has a twinkle in his eye and eligible"
    5.) Got mad at me for no reason (at least he didn't tell me why) and didn't talk to me for weeks, then when he found out I was leaving the job he acted as if nothing happened and then on my last day got mad at me again and didn't even say goodbye to me
    6.) A couple of times he went out to smoke and instead of wearing his jacket, he grabbed mine and wore it.
    7.) Had an opportunity to get a ride home from a girl who would have boinked him but he instead chose to ride home with me.
    8.) His girlfriend woke him up out of his sleep one time to ask him a question and half asleep he responded by saying my name.
    9.) We bickered constantly and people would always tell us we were like a married couple, one time someone was giving me a hard time and he interfered and said "you better leave my ***** alone!" after that he realized what he said and his face got all red
    10.) he would go through phases where he was really close to me and seemed to enjoy my company then go through a phase where he would be kind of distant and withdrawn
    11.) We could sit and talk and laugh for HOURS
    12.) He would act real manly and macho in front of other guys but when it would just be me and him he would go into a woman-like state where he was real sensitive and get on a personal level
    (There's so much more but I've already babbled enough)

    Now here's some things that didn't make me wonder:
    1.) One time a girl asked me and him for a hug and it turned into a group hug but then he backed away and said to me "I ain't hugging you!", another time he got sick and threw up and I patted his back and he got mad and said "don't touch me!"
    2.) He constantly talked to me about girls he slept with and would describe it in graphic detail
    3.) Had/still has a girlfriend
    4.) After I left that job I only heard from him a couple of times and he'll act like he wants to get together then I'll never hear from him afterwards.

    He's the only guy I've thought of being with and willingly would be with so I don't know if this is my mind getting the best of me or what.
     
  2. greatwhale

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    Hey demac03, welcome to EC!

    It's amazing how much we notice about the people with whom we interact.

    Often, if we have some prior idea of something, we tend to look for clues that confirm it. You did the right thing in your list of things that didn't make you wonder, which is a good effort, but clearly there isn't as much there as in the first list.

    Fact is, unless he makes a move that clearly crosses the line, you'll never know for sure unless you ask him. Unfortunately, he may well be less than straight, you may be right, but he may never admit it, which is probably even more confusing and frustrating.

    What's more interesting to me...is why you are noticing these things only about him. Sometimes an attraction to someone of the same sex can be limited to only one person in the whole wide world.

    There's an important word heard often in these parts: vulnerability. If you feel that strongly, you may need to open yourself up to him, you may need to reveal your feelings to him and ask whether he feels the way you do.

    This is risky (wouldn't be vulnerability if it wasn't), it may end your friendship...and then it may not.
     
  3. demac03

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    Thanks for the welcome and reply. Yeah that's why I listed both the "pros" and "cons" because I tried my best to look at it from different angles. And he really is the only guy who I've had feelings and an attraction for, that's pretty much how I figured out I don't like just women but men as well. At times I think maybe he did have a thing for me but then caught himself and moved on or that his girlfriend got in his ear about our close relationship.

    And there's really no friendship at risk anymore. I don't know if I was still call us friends considering we only talk briefly every 6 months or so. He always say every time about how he wants to get together and go to the restaurants we used to go to, I'll say ok let's do it and then I won't hear from him again for another 6 months where he'll repeat the same thing.
     
  4. Choirboy

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    Those strange "is this a relationship" situations can be terribly confusion. I have a casual friendship with someone that has fed my fantasies for two years but nothing conclusive has happened--just a lot of pros and cons--but it was enough to finally start the scales tipping enough in the "gay" direction that I was finally able to accept who I am, even though I'm still not positive what he is.

    It sounds like your friend might have had some pretty strong feelings for you that he really didn't know how to face or deal with. I don't think you were misunderstanding his signals, but it's quite possible that he wasn't sure how to deal with the signals he was getting from his own mind. It might be that your relationship really just served to open your own mind, even if his is staying closed. Bad for him, but good for you. Feeling comfortable with yourself is an incredible gift! Enjoy it, and welcome.
     
  5. demac03

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    Yeah that's how I always interpreted his shying away at times or why we haven't hung out together as the years passed, because he is afraid of those feelings and doesn't want to confront them. Oh well.

    There's some other things I'm beginning to remember like this one time I went on a date with a girl and he knew about this yet he still proceeded to text all throughout the date and at one point I had to step outside because he actually called me up. One time I got moved to another part of our office and he requested to be moved there shortly after telling me through text "I'm not ready for our saga to end" and then later told me "You're the only person I like working with". Another time he had a small sledgehammer or something and rubbed it up against my package and tried to do it again till I told him to stop. But then there were also a couple of times where he would try to get me in trouble, especially if he got in trouble he would try to drag my name into it.

    Ugh the confusion sucks! And I try to move on all the time and it will work for a while but (like the song) there's always something there to remind me, whether it's a song, a restaurant, a book, a piece of clothing, etc.
     
    #5 demac03, Oct 14, 2013
    Last edited: Oct 14, 2013