Why can't I do it?!

Coming out is a very scary thing, even if you know they're going to be fine with it. I knew my friends were going to support me no matter what but it took me weeks to tell them. You'll know when you're ready, and it might take time. Coming out for the first time was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do but it's completely worth it. When you do tell them, take a deep breath and just say it and think about how relieved you will feel after. Good luck. <3

 

First of all, you are NOT a failure. Coming out is hard, and you have to do it on your own terms to make the best of the situation.

You're most likely afraid of possible repercussions. No, they aren't likely to happen, but there is a chance they are going to happen (even if it is a minuscule chance).

Just in my opinion, but in no way should you have to follow this, here's what I would do. Talk to your sister. Just tell her quickly. Don't do a long drawn out story. If she's asked you before, she wants to be closer to you and this is the perfect time to do it and she will be fine with it. For your parents, write a letter, print it out twice, and put Mom on one envelope and Dad on the other (or whatever you call your parents). Leave it on a counter or table somewhere and then go to school. Deal with it indirectly! Then you can talk about it when you or they get home!

Just my thoughts, but I wish you the best of luck coming out! Stay strong!

 

I was thinking the other day that the easiest way for me to come out may be to put "I am a lesbian" T-shirt on and just point at the text Haha. But actually I hate the word for lesbian in my own language ...it sounds like some kind of a disease.

 

This was very profound and affecting to me.
Is it the fact that you havent come out that you feel like a failure, or is it the fact that you are gay in the first place? What I hear you saying on a conscious level is that you have accepted being gay, and that you know that it is who were born as, however, what I also think I am hearing is there is some kind of self-worth tied up to your sexuality. Like somehow when you come out, you wont be as worthy of love and belonging, and what you are feeling now is the effects of "fitting in" (changing yourself to fit into a situation rather than being your authentic self). So you probably also feel disconnected and alone. Trust me, I have been there and I know how that feels.

Lets side track for a second...
Do you know about the 5 stages of loss? Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. This often happens when someone looses their idea of a straight identity as well.
-Denial: I couldnt possibly be gay, everyone has a gay fantasy at least once in their life right?
-Anger: I fucking hate gay people, they are so flamboyant and annoying, I cant believe I ever had any fantasy about guys, Im such a fucking fag.
-Bargaining: I know I only look at gay porn, masturbate to the idea men, and like looking at men, but I can identify when a girl is pretty, and I feel like Im more romantically connected with women, so maybe I am homo erotic and hetero romantic, or some other ridiculous label I can come up with to avoid my true identity.
-Depression: Fuck, I know Im gay, and I know thats not going to change, but it feels like nobody will ever really understand me. I dont really like myself, let alone love myself, and I dont feel like coming out is right. What if people dont love me for who I am, heck why would they when I cant even love myself?!
-Acceptance: This isnt really going to get better unless I take the first steps out of the closet is it? I guess I really need to start making things better if I ever want to get out of this depression.

What it sounds like to me is that you are somewhere between depression and acceptance. You know whats going on with your sexuality, but you havent really come to terms with it yet enough to want to come out. The question i think you should be asking is a question that I think you should ask yourself. What is it I dont like about me, and how can I change that? How do I love myself more?

 

Hey, most people feel the way you do, don't beat yourself up over it. Pick someone supportive and start with them. Pick the easiest possible way to do it to get the ball rolling - I started with a text to a gay friend. Remind yourself that it's never going to feel easy to say the words, so you're going to have to say them while it's difficult, then force the words out or send the text/email. You can do it. Literally. Hope this helps

 

You don't have to do it. No need to put so much pressure on yourself. Chill and relax. I keep my sexuality to myself. I think there is some sort of expectation on homosexuals to disclose their sexuality to their immediate family members and friends in order to be accepted. As long as you accept it yourself then that is all that matters. If you really want to disclose your sexuality go ahead. Whatever makes you happy.

 

It may be possible for some to keep their sexuality secret, but I would guess that's a minority. Keeping something like that secret--always having to be conscious about being something else puts great psychological pressure--living is a state of perpetual internal conflict.
If you've accepted your sexual preference yourself--the difficulty and fear is all on the outside--worrying what others will think. Staying in the closet makes you dependent on those most likely to reject you, and cuts you off from those who would be your alies and friends--your queer family.

Every situation is different, and no one should feel like it's their duty to come out, but self-torture is not a happy alternative. Since there is no reason at all to hide, other than the homophobic hatred of the heteronomative world, accepting that hatred as a condition that rules your life, can't help but absorb some of that, turning it inward against oneself.

For myself, and many other I've read here--the hard part isn't coming out...it's working up the resolve to open the door. Once out--it was a huge relief, like living for the first time inside my own skin. Years of physical anxiety--verging on panic attacks--disappeared overnight. I mean, literally. I woke after a kitchen conversation with my housemates, and posting to everyone I knew on FB... and it was gone. No more walking down the street, my voice hi-jacked, cursing myself, saying I HATE YOU... to myself. Gone. There's a beautiful new world out there, where it's possible, if you look, to find others like yourself who, over time, can become a network of love and support.

You have to follow your own heart, in your own time. But do that! Follow YOUR heart, not the aprobrium you imagine to be in the hearts of those around you.
Hugs!

 

:eusa_clapTy thanks you for your explanation of the 5 stages of loss. It's amazing how I have seen them almost exactly in my life. Wow!

Jsmith, a lot of us are at the same place you are. Don't feel like a failure, stop pause and when the time is right be confident in who you are.

 

Don't you just love happy endings! Congrats, Jsmith, for taking control of your life and coming up a winner. EC rocks!