Need advice coming out as trans to gay bf

If you've been together for four years, then obviously you've got something pretty special going on. Take this into consideration, but also take into consideration that he claims he wouldn't date a trans person. Then weigh up how important your identity as a trans* woman is and how far you have decided to go with it. Obviously, I'm not qualified to give the best advice on this, but to me it seems as if this would be a test of your relationship - is he really the perfect guy for you, or could there be someone out there who will accept all of you? Could he love you enough to accept that you've come to this conclusion about yourself? The other main issue is would you be able to live as a man for his sake? Is it right to live as a man just for him? Or is your identity as a woman more important to you than that? If this were me, hard as they are, these are the questions I'd be trying to get my head around right now.

I know I've answered your post with only more questions, but I hope that in some way they help and you figure things out x

 

Hi,

it would be nice to tell you that everything will be fine, that you are long enough together to overcome that, but it would be a lie.

This can break the relationship or at least the balance will change dramatically.

Answer all those questions of Cerith for yourself and think about what is more important for you. (*hug*)

 

Leave well enough alone! I also am a trans-woman and can't get a gay man to give me the time of day so you are lucky in my book. What's the harm if he looks at you as a gay guy? Just be yourself which he seems to like. Just be glad you are not like me and project female so strong that the gay men run the other way! June

 

I'm going to partway disagree with June, and instead say that you should listen to your heart. Not every relationship can handle one partner being trans, and I'm sure you're well aware you are trans whether or not you transition. Whether you can "leave well enough alone" or not is something you decide whether you're even capable of.

Sometimes when we give advice it's easier to put you in our shoes instead of us in your shoes. June has found something that works for June. Whether or not that will work for you, is up to you.

One way or another, this part of you is never going to go away. This is a really terrible position to be in. I know I said "follow your heart" but I also know that right now your heart is pulling you in two different directions and feels like it's going to rip you apart. You love him. But you also don't want this part of you that you're keeping hidden to hurt both of you. I can't begin to describe in words how much this hurts no matter what you do, but I probably don't have to, right?

I can say that he will probably not be prepared to lose you as a lover, and will view any kind of friendship - even if that friendship means more to you than having sex ever could, even if you're closer than family - will be viewed as a downgrade by him. I can also say that this is a one way thing. If you tell him, you can either listen here or if you're like me ignore this and find out the hard way, you can't go back into the closet where you used to feel safe ever again. You can sure try, I did, it just won't fix anything the way it used to.

But I can also say that this has a way of seeping into your life that isn't obvious to people that haven't lived it. When you are making love, when you are at work, every time you see or hear about someone transitioning, and just all the time in the back of your mind, it's there. And you're keeping it hidden; that's no way to teach yourself that this is something that's normal and not a big deal, that you shouldn't be ashamed of it.

I mean, it's very easy to say "who cares how he views you". But you know better than anyone else how you felt when he told you he wouldn't even date a man that did drag.

The very first time I was dressed as me in front of another person, I noticed too many things about myself to put into anything short of a novel. But out of them the biggest was, I was no longer afraid or ashamed. I was something worthwhile, that deserved to live. That push in the back of my mind, was gone.

So here's where I'm going to be a hypocrite, and put you in my shoes But I really think this is something that has to be directly experienced. I don't think your boyfriend is a safe person to try this out on until you've made a decision about your relationship. But I do think, if you have anyone else in your life you can be yourself around, just once, that you should, before you make up your mind about coming out.

 

You guys have been together for 4 years, obviously there's something there. If you want to tell him maybe just sit him down and ask him to let you talk and not to interrupt.
He might not be taking the small questions seriously because well he has you? Why should he think about that sort of stuff.
Take it slow and don't overwhelm him all at once, let him ask question and answer the best you can.
Don't let it fester, the more open you are in a relationship the stronger it'll be.
I mean this situation could either go really good or really bad but it's something that has to happen or else you'll just be unhappy forever.
I wish you luck

 

While there is clearly no magic bullet here, sometimes situations may not be as dire as we believe.

From reading the original message, it definitely leaves the impression that you 2 are quite close. And this is beyond being together, sleeping together, etc. There seems to be a genuine bond. I say this for one purpose: Sometimes our responses to a given set of circumstances may change when it moves from the hypothetical to a real situation involving a person that we know well and feel close to. It isn't something that always happens, but it could be a possibility.

We all have some idea of what we would or would not do for love and obviously the responses vary greatly. When you reach the point where you MUST unburden yourself, it may not be as bleak as you feared.

 

yeah, life is not fair. I am sorry, honey *hug*

There was a thread some time ago. Something like If your partner came out to you as trans, would you stay with them? Look it up...

another (((hug))) for you, sweetie

 

I created a similar thread when I was still in transition (currently in detransition); was this the one you meant, Nick?

http://emptyclosets.com/forum/chit-chat/104588-would-you-date-your-partner-post-transition.html

 

Awwwww, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to upset you (*hug*) I didn't even remember what people said, I just remembered I was the one who made the thread and linked it cause Nick mentioned it.

Truthfully, it's all about individuals. None of us can tell you how you're boyfriend will react. There is zero way you will know until you tell him, and if you are sure this is something you *have* to do, the sooner the better, cause he will find out eventually, anyway. However he reacts, nothing is more important than being you and being comfortable and happy with who you are. I'll be crossing my fingers, for you!!(*hug*)

 

I'm so, so sorry (*hug*) from what you've described, it sounds doubtful that your BF will be able to handle it I'm sorry if that's brutally honest, but it seems, to me, that he would not be accepting of dating a transwoman. And truthfully, I wouldn't be surprised, based on what you described, if he already suspects that you're on the verge of coming out as somehow gender variant, even if he's not braced 100% for transsexual. I mean, given his reaction, it seems like it's coming from a waay more emotionally charged place than you'd expect over a Halloween costume, and you'd be surprised - people can sense these things.

Honestly, I think it's best to just tell him and get it over with and see how he reacts. Otherwise, you're just going to prolong it and put yourself through a lot of pain, in the meantime. As I said earlier, you need to be happy with YOU, and at the end of the day, feeling personally complete and as though you're living your life for you trueself is all that really matters, right?

 

I am not sure how old you are, but my advice will be different than chercheur's.

Wait. I know you have been thinking for ever about being trans*.But now the situation has changed dramatically. You got to know that your relationship would probably end if you came out.

Now it's time to think for months or longer, how you feel about that. How tight the closet is. Is it manageable to stay there and be happy?
Will you be happy if you lose your current partner?

If we can't have everything we have to choose...

 

there is also a third option. Give yourself time to find out if you can live in closet.
Yeah,many will tell you that that option is wrong. It's not up to them to decide. It's up to you. Only you know what you can gain and what lose by coming out. *hug*