I came out about 6 months ago after frequenting this board. I came out to a group of close guy friends (which if you look it up on here is a funny story). They were great and things were going pretty well there. This past summer, I came out to my sister and to several other friends along the way. They've been pretty good. It's still awkward being around town and not knowing "who knows" or who doesn't. At the end of the summer, I came out to my mom in an emotional letter that I sort of regret doing it that way. She's ok with it, but it's just been very awkward. I have yet to come out to my dad or anyone in my extended family. I'm not sure how that's going to happen. I moved to Minneapolis 2 months ago with the intention of starting to live the life that I've always wanted to live. Honest and free and true to my identity. It's just that... other than being attracted to male bodies, I just don't feel good about being a gay man or in the gay community. I've since been to several gay establishments and events that are part of the "gay community" and am totally embarrassed to be associated with the crowd in those places. Sex-crazed... PDA... touchy ...loud...flamboyant...it's so not me. I am not at all like any of the people that make up the majority of places where one seems to find the "gay community". Seeing all this since coming out has made me pretty upset and I feel like I still long to be straight even though I am out and have come out to people I've met here in my new city. I'm still uncomfortable talking about it and when people assume that I am straight, I sometimes go along without correcting them because it seems so wrong to cut them off and go "Wait... actually I'm gay". When you're first meeting people, that is such an awkward thing to say and I hate hate hate it! All I can think about is when I have to tell someone that I am gay... they think about the images that a lot of the gay community and a whole lot of gay establishments project, and I don't want to be lumped in with that image. It's obviously fine for some people and more power to them if that's what makes them happy, but I feel like there is no common, moderate place for someone who doesn't want to be associated with that stuff. I just want to be my normal self- a regular guy who happens to be attracted to other guys. I don't want me or my friends to have to see 50 year old dudes in ass-less chaps groping each other every time we try to go to a gay establishment or a feminine boy with make-up on go-go dancing in our face, or a drag queen coming up and touching us and making others uncomfortable. Yes, I know that sounds intolerant and maybe it is, but I'm just being honest. It makes me uncomfortable, and it makes a lot of other people uncomfortable. Not because it is gay, but because it is a scene that is always SO in-your-face all the time. Every time. It would be the same thing if I constantly saw the same portrayals of the straight community. If I saw a 50 year old man and woman making out at every straight establishment I went to I would feel the same. If I had an American flag waved in my face everywhere I went I'd feel the same. It's kind of like if the only choice for an establishment as a straight male that I would have is Hooters. All the time. For everyone you want to go out with. Yeah it's kind of fun if you're with the right crowd, but after a while you hope for something a little different and tasteful. Especially when you are dealing with people who might appreciate other things besides sexual freedom and politics. I dunno... it's just been a bad over-all first experience. I know I'm probably generalizing to a big degree, and I'm sure other places exist somewhere, but it's been what it has for me. Nearly every place or event I try. So as time has passed, I find that I just don't like going to these places and events and it's hard to find people that are gay to relate to. It's just... hard. I don't feel like a part of any community like I was hoping to. I've been forced to adopted this new identity based on my private sexuality and being honest with that, but I don't want anything to do with the other 75% that has come with it. The middle ground is so much smaller than I had hoped.
I never was one to enjoy all those kinds of things. I, like you, felt odd because everyone was so different from what I was. Truth is you are not alone. Sooooo many others like you. You just don't see them? Why not? Because we just blend into society. For me being gay is a part of who I am. It doesn't define who I am. I had great difficultly with people because when they found out, at first they didn't believe me and secondly I don't act "their kind of gay." Society has this preconceived idea that being gay means you wear platform shoes, a pink feather boa and waving a rainbow flag. That your hand flails about limply, and you have sex with every man you see, preferably like a rabbit. Reality is that sure some people are like that - I actually admire them, but there are so many other ways to show your personality, your strengths, your uniqueness. I come across as a straight person, sometimes more masculine than the guys I meet and it can intimidate people, men and women alike. It messes with their heads and they struggle to put you into a compartment. Almost as if you're not acting normal. For me; I chose to quietly act as the change. With knowledge comes understanding. Each person that crosses my path will have a different perspective on gay people. I see that as a positive thing. I applaud your courage to get out there and see what there is. I sincerely hope that you meet other like minded gays - because we do exist. It may not be in the numerous quantities you had hoped for, but be assured we are there. Please don't let your experiences shun those that you don't connect with - value their difference from you and feel strong and empowered that you bring something special yourself. PS: Oh to be a rabbit
Don't worry, their flamboyance makes them the more noticeable gays, but there are plenty of gay or bi people who are more on your wavelength. Maybe focus on doing things that interest you, let people know you're gay and keep an ear out for other gay people to befriend and in the mean time you'll be meeting people with similar interests.
Oh man, you are so like me, only out and young and unattached, where I am not (long story). The only thing I can suggest is to go to an LGBT community or college center and start trying to "network" yourself to find the invisible "normal" gay people you are looking for. You are more likely to find them there than in a night club, because "normal" gay people go home after work, eat dinner, watch TV or read a book, then go to bed, just like "normal" straight people do. They don't wear rainbow earrings or bracelets 99% of the time, they just go about life "straight acting" without acting at all, because they don't wear their sexual identity on their sleeves, which makes them very hard to find. Be thankful that you are only 25; you have time to search around and find the 5% of males who are gay and have a long life ahead of you to share with one of them; it is just going to be a little harder to find the right man. Good luck and enjoy the search.
