Have posted before..but in need of help! What do i do?!

greenthumb95,

Wow. Well it sounds like you have quite a dilemma. You are a gay man married to a woman. That can make for some tough choices.
You should look up the five stages of loss and grief, so you can understand what you are going through better:
1. Denial / Isolation
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
Those are the stages we all innately experience as we feel loss and grief in life. For you, its the loss of your straight identity. I looked back and skimmed through your nine posts over the last year and it seems like this is an issue you're really going 'round with in the denial phase.
I would suggest you get to the heart of the matter so you can get to the acceptance part and move on with your life. You are a gay man, if you chose to call yourself bisexual, in my opinion, you would still lean heavily on the male side. Deep down you know this and so does your wife. Yes, she really, really does. The sounds like a separate issue though, it sounds like you really love her and she really loves you. Thats probably why its so hard for either of you to discuss it with one another, because it's so scary. What faces you if she knows(i.e. you both face it out in the open), years of loneliness? no children? Will all the life you've known be gone? But then, what kind of life will you have if you both live a lie?
Those cravings you have WILL NOT go away. I went through a stage of that myself, I think maybe we all do..."oh dear god please just let it be a phase"... and we can lie quite convincingly to ourselves and believe our own lies...almost like self-hypnosis.
Straight men simply do not want anything to do with another man's penis. A straight man might think another man is good looking and might even be aroused by his looks, but I guarantee as soon as that daydream camera pans down to the penis, it shuts off like a TV screen going dark when you hit Power, unless you're gay and you like men...simple as that. Not feeling like you'd want to be romantic or have a relationship with a man often is simple inexperience or societal programming...we are all brought up to be straight afterall. And that can and does change.
Don't be afraid, be strong. Your life will definitely transform if you live it truthfully, and frankly it may not be as good as you have it now. I think though, if you truly love your wife, you owe it to her to be honest and real, as well as to yourself. If you love her, do you really wanna go further down the road of marriage/have kids/house/life...only to have her find out the hard way that you haven't been faithful to her?
Afterall, if you're already on craigslist looking at casual encounters, you've already in essence decided what you're going to do. You just haven't had the right opportunity present itself to you in the way you'd like...Yet.

 

Not necessarily. This isn't a question ANY of us can possibly answer, or anyone else for that matter. Not all the therapists in the world. Since we aren't the ones living in your body.

The key, here, is to realize that sexual orientation is not about actions but arousal and desire. You need to determine what it is you WANT to discover your sexual orientation, not base it off what you DO. So you need to ask yourself: are you aroused by the idea of sex with men? Certainly sounds like it, from what you've written (you're statements seem to show that this goes beyond typical curiosity/anxiety over being gay, and seem to indicate actual desire) making me think you are likely, at the very least, bisexual.

Now you need to look at your view of women. Does the idea of sex with women arouse you? Does sex with your wife arouse; beyond the physical feeling of penetration (which is generally pleasing, regardless), does the act of making love to a woman turn you on? What are you feeling and thinking about when you have sex with women? If not...you very well *may* be gay, but really, you need to look within yourself without fear and answer these questions as honestly as possible to know, for sure.

These are just some tips to help you better interpret your sexuality. For many of us, it's cut and dry...like...I know I like guys cause they make my dick hard and girls don't, haha, and it's been that way ever since I started thinking about sex. So maybe you're over-complicating your sexuality and that's whats shrouding it in ambiguity; maybe if you look at it simply the answer will become clearer.

As for the situation with your wife: talk to her about this NOW. I don't usually give that kind of advice, but this is her life, too, and you both made a commitment, here. Absolutely do NOT act on your desires without her knowledge; A., it's cheating, and B., you put her at risk for contracting and STD, which is like...a horrible, horrible violation of her trust.

You need to sort out your sexuality, and maybe that includes time for exploring, so you need to discuss with your wife what your best options are to pursue that. Maybe, for her, she will need to take a break...it's her prerogative to make that decision, and her right to have all the necessary facts to do so. Particularly if you're considering having a child, together, which, I believe is highly unwise and irresponsible given your current dilemma.

Regardless, you're about to enter a time of self discovery, and it's important to go easy on yourself, otherwise you won't learn much. You need to remove constraints and bias and any kind of self-hatred and be brutally honest with yourself (and your partner) about what you *want* and how you want to live your life. And who knows! You may one day learn to love the outcome...if you end up finding out you *are* gay, that can come with new and exciting possibilities!

Best of luck, to you! (*hug*)

 

yeah I really do think you're fully gay. You know I'm kinda in that camp where I hope one day we don't all have labels like gay or straight. Everyone falls somewhere on the spectrum and just like if you study ancient greek and roman times. Many young men would have gay sex up until marriage age then sometimes stop or sometimes they'd have wives and then when they off on their "crusades" they got their best friend (generals of the time seemed to think it helped with comradery). Thinking like that though isn't gonna help you right now. Its only going to cause you to go 'round and 'round in a circle of unending hope and doubt that somehow you're not gay.
You need to put the "gay hat" on so to speak and wear it for a while, see how it feels. Ya know? Find out who your really are.
And yeah from the sounds of things it really does sound like your wive has to more than just casually suspect at this point. Again, I just skimmed your other posts for the most part but consider:
Your craigslist Incident - you said she hit the back button and investigated what you'd been looking at, everything you'd been looking at. Yeah well that pretty much conclusively shows anyone your true feelings if they get a look at your history when you weren't expecting anyone to see it. You have to wonder what other signs like that has she caught from you and didn't tell you about? There's probably been other things like that she's seen along the way and if nothing else, she's probably watching your computer and smartphone if you have one like a hawk...and the web history...probably reads what you posted on this site unless you've cleared it.
Other thing is...your sex life ...you mentioned it was vanilla...I saw "went 4 months without sex" and also something to the effect of that last few times you've had sex, you've had trouble ejaculating...or you can't.
But I bet, you put on some gay porn and the rocket lifts off the launch pad in less than five minutes right? Well all that adds up to an indicator for both you and her to read.
So yeah just based on the little bit you've shared over your posts without combing too deeply, I'd say you've just scratched the surface on what she actually knows. Plus you gotta consider, most people...they can't keep a secret to save their life unless its somehow personally embarrassing or threatening to them and you mentioned that you've talked to a lot of people about this. So yeah, I'd say there's prolly at least a 95% chance its gotten back to her if you've talked to more than just a very few.

It does sound to me like your sexual orientation is an unspoken thing both of you are scared to breach, it does sound like you both have love for each other. And thats the other half of your dilemma...You know what that love feels like with her...and you can definitely imagine what true sexual gratification feels like with the right person. So imagine how intense that would be if you had that within the same individual...i.e. a man you loved. Make for a lot more meaningful sex too, that way. I don't envy your situation.

 

What you wrote right there....sounds like she knows something or suspects and is trying to get you to open up about it or guage your reaction.
You know...again ...I saw your posts over the last year back through NOV of 2012 and each post is basically asking the same thing. Am I gay and does my wife know? You asked that over and over throughout the year NINE TIMES. Its like you're hoping your worst fears will not be confirmed and someone will write you a post saying, "Oh! No Man, Don't Worry, this is all in your head, you're fine, you're competely straight and your wife has never suspected a thing. Everything is completely fine, you can go on with your life and no one is the wiser". --And then you can fixate on that post for a while, at least until craigslist casual encounters calls out to you again.
Thats just not healthy.
Being gay won't cause all reality to warp around you.
The sun will set and rise again in the morning....and you'll be fine.
I do agree with chercheur though, you do owe it to your wife to tell her. Maybe not this very second, but certainly soon. I'm pretty sure you already know that you're gay, but you need to go through the stages and accept it. You cannot change it. Its okay.
Remember I saw you mention several times describing your feelings...straight men might think they could be gay at some point, but if they spend large amounts of time sitting around looking at craigslist wondering what another man's penis tastes like----well okay I hope that drives the point home for you. You're Gay...and you're still you. Its fine.

 

well yeah ...then like chercheur said...really listen to what interests you...your desires ....basically ...its sounds like for you ...it boils down to a choice ...do you want to completely give up your male sexual desires ..or can you restrain them for the rest of your live and be with your wife? or do you need to leave and make a life with a man? thats why I don't envy your situation esp. when you've been married 5 years. I hope you can figure it out ..because that decision would probably drive me nuts lol

I can understand why you'd hope that your wife would be cool with all this. And who knows she might be...like she said ..why worry about it unless you're planning to leave her. But Generically ...probably most wives wouldn't be that accepting.

---------- Post added 14th Oct 2013 at 05:36 AM ----------

yeah maybe I went a little overboard that last post lol but you know it's hard to Guage who I'm talking to from a short note

 

I am in a similar position, although not quite as sticky. The first time I bought back a girl from an LGBT night the other day (we didn't do anything) but I went and told my bf how I was feeling because I knew it couldn't go on. I hated it. It was awful. He asked so many questions that I don't know the answer to yet but actually it turned out, he knew how I was feeling better than I did.
He already had patched together this idea of how I felt and he hit the nail on the head and put into words what I didn't know how to yet. So I suspect your wife does know, maybe better than you do, most of our partners do.
I would talk to her, it really, really sucks and it's terrifying but ultimately it will be better out in the open. And if you and your wife love each other, like it sounds like you do, you'll be able to get it out in the open and come to an understanding. I'm sure your wife doesn't want you hurting as much as you are, and I'm sure she is to. This won't go away if you don't deal with it and you might not be ready (I'm certainly not) but it isn't just you in the situation. And it wouldn't be fair to her.
Like my bf said when I said I didn't want to lose him, he can't stay as my bf and then this happen again because he'd feel like a mug or like I lied to him. I'd get this out in the open with your wife. I think it will be better.

 

Well no, because I'm not in the situation. Like everyone else here, I can only my hedge my bets but it seems from some of the stuff you've said here, she probably has a pretty good idea and it probably hurts and confuses her just as much.
And I can only go on my own experiences which is that, my bf knew more about how I felt than I did. Things I was too ashamed to say, he just said outright. Like how it seems that in my head, he occupies this space that isn't male or female but where I've just labelled him as a person. I never told him that but that's exactly how I feel.
Coming out to your hetero partner before anyone else especially when your not ready is really really really difficult, unpleasant, confusing and scary but this is someone you love deeply and who loves you. You just have to trust in honesty. I was more scared and in more denial than my partner was. He wasn't thrilled to be losing me, don't get me wrong but he did, he knew so he tried to be as objective as he could in the advice he gave me and he promised to be a friend to me when I needed one. But we agreed until I figure this out, we can't be together together.
And that might be it. You may just need some time.

 

Well, I believe that sexuality is a pretty fluid and complex thing and that no-one truly knows but yourself.
However, from what I've read, I would say that you won't be able to let go of this until you try being with a man. It's obviously an issue you've been facing for a long time so you can be assured it's not just a whim and if it's intensifying, it's unlikely to go away by sweeping it under the rug. It's more likely to fester and bite everyone in the ass later.
I think if you don't deal with this now and try to be honest with yourself and then your wife, it will only get worse and you will feel worse for it.

 

Hi,

My first piece of advice is STOP TRYING FOR A BABY! If you decide to fully commit to your wife for the rest of your life, start up again, but not until then.

Secondly, don't cheat on your wife. I totally get the need to have an experience with the same sex, but I also think that if you were happy with your relationship with your wife then that would eclipse the need for it, just like if you were straight, it would eclipse the need for sex with another woman. It's probably your disatisfying sex life that is making your desire for a man so intense, whether that's because you're gay or just because you're in a rut with your wife. What's more important to you - exploring sex with a man, or being committed to your wife?

Thirdly, the bi/gay question. Although the description of your current situation sounds like you are gay (you sound way more into guys than I am and I've only just realised I also like women!) I think that if you can remember, over your life, being sexually attracted to men AND women, then you're probably bi. I think your preference can shift a bit around the Kinsey Scale.

Fourthly, what should you do? Well, I don't think you sound that happy in your current relationship. Figure out whether you want to work on improving it, see if you can become happy, say over six months, or end it and look for happiness elsewhere. Either way, coming out as at least bi might be a good idea so that you don't feel like you are living a lie - it's okay to have secret fantasies from your partner I think, but if it's causing you stress, maybe you'd prefer to be out and open about it

 

Hey greenthumb95,
Thought I'd check back in and see how things were going with you on this thread. I hope you're getting some useful feedback on here that will help you out.
I saw you asked Alice the fully gay question too, and it kinda made me feel like you'd gotten the "rubber stamp" on the forehead from me on that. lol I wanted to reiterate that nobody knows that but you. And I don't think using texts or facebook to talk to someone is stupid at all. It can help a lot when its hard to speak on this, I went back and reread your first post up top and it sounds like through texts/IM/facebook you've basically "come out" to your wife or tried to, but that she might be denying some things or not want to face up to your feelings either as you mentioned twice that she basically didnt want to discuss it further unless you were planning on leaving her.

From my own experiences:
1) Well this I can tell you with near absolute certainty, if you've had these feelings for 10 years, they WILL NOT EVER go away. With all the years I spent/wasted trying to ungay myself, if there was a way...I'd have found the secret by now.

2) I'd like to ask you a question...You respond to one of my posts saying you are and always have been sexually and emotionally into women, but yet in your first post you mention your sex life as "OK" and another post you said "Vanilla" and you said it can be months sometimes in between encounters and that you're having trouble reaching orgasm. Has it always been like this for women? Has it always been like this for you and your wife? I ask because, it seems you might be minimizing this as a fantasy when it might be something more fundamental.

Well maybe it will help you out if you knew what it was like for me....There was a time I only liked women, had crushes on them, (then I hit puberty), and I still liked women. Thats how I was raised and thats who you were supposed to like. I couldn't understand my other feelings, couldn't even put them into words in my own thoughts, but a growing incongruity was developing that in a way..had always been there. It took me YEARS more to for the thought to even cross my mind that I MIGHT be gay, and even though it was such an unfathomable, horrible, scary possibility that I lied to myself so convincingly, that I thoroughly believed it was simply a phase - that it would pass. Any time a gay thought entered my head, it was immediately suppressed and pushed far into the back of my mind. It took me until I was 20 years old before I could look in the mirror and say, "Im Gay" and a further nine years went by before I could bring myself to utter those two words out loud to another human being. Very long process for me lol

The kinda why I mentioned earlier to try the "gay hat" on for a while and find out who you are. It can be hard to talk to your wife about it until you're sure yourself. It was a long time for me that sharing affection and intimacy with another male like you would do with a woman - it just felt strange, odd - like it wasn't right. For me, I came to realize I felt that because in effect, we are programmed our whole lives to be straight by family, culture and society to be that way with women. It took me a very long time to realize the social normal didn't fit me and to be comfortable with that. And yeah in some ways, I'm still working on it.

Hopefully I haven't bored you to sleep with yet another long post, but I thought I'd share some of my own experiences here to show how black and white being gay is NOT. Ive had girlfriends, but the "electricity" was never there. And I've also met 1 or 2 very special women, women who've made me wish I was straight because I know that if I had let myself get closer to them, I could easily have loved them (of course the sex life would basically play out the way you described your own).

I hope that gave you some insight...so hard to judge..thats the downside part of texts/IMs and forums..the human element is out so maybe this pertains to you..or maybe not. But it sounds familiar, and I believe the more you investigate these feelings the deeper it'll go. Like you mentioned yourself, starts out purely sexual, then suddenly its a specific individual and then it might be more than just the sex part that you like about that person. Take some time to figure it all out, but at some point you'll need to talk to her about it...wouldn't be a real marriage anyways if you didn't.
Best of Luck

 

I would like to add to the excellent advice given above; it is well-established that many spouses of gay men or women have had a deep-down feeling that their spouse is gay, or bi.

The blinders and self-delusions are not necessarily on the gay spouse only, they are often on the straight one too.

 

We can't answer that for you, we don't know you. Maybe you are, maybe you're bi, maybe you're straight and freaking out over nothing (just to be clear, that's normal too and I'm not insulting you if that's what it is). But that's something only you can decide. Also, learn how to use Private Browsing (Firefox) or Incognito (Chrome) :icon_wink