I came out a month ago... Falling apart

At this time of writing, I'm about four days short of having been out of the closet for a month.*

Well. Allegedly, I'm out of the closet. Nothing's really changed.*

I'm going to do my best to be as brief as possible but this'll be a novel. Be warned.*

I came out to my mother one Monday evening. I'd been especially dysphoric and moody. For the past few months I'd been isolating myself as much as possible from family. As any rightful parent would be, my mother was understandably concerned. So she sat me down, demanded to know what the deal was.*

Now, I was going to college in a matter of weeks. Since I wanted to attend school as a man, I figured the best course of action would've been to come out before my education was too far underway, minimizing the opportunity for awkward situations. But here I was, sitting across from her. Figured since I had to be out anyway, I had nothing to lose. So I told her I was transgender.

I barely said anything else throughout the whole conversation- she went off on a tangent. Since I was a feminine child, she said "I don't think you're really transgender. These people, they always know. ALWAYS KNOW." Goes off, lists every feminine thing I did as a kid that she can remember. "I PAINTED FLOWERS ON YOUR WALL. PAINTED. FLOWERS. THAT YOU ASKED FOR."*
Begs me not to become "a completely different person who thinks you need a penis" (whole conversation was pretty penis centric, despite me not clueing her in to any plans to have bottom surgery), lots of "you're just blaming deeper issues on gender".

She cut me off from my LGBT support group, thinking that being around transgender people (though I was the only FtM guy there at the time...) talking about gender made me think I'm transgender.*

Regret coming out but I figured she'd come around. I still had Internet, wasn't completely cut off from my friends.*

Next few days, I began forming my plan B. Had places to go if I needed an emergency place to stay for a few days. Knew who to contact for housing assistance, legal aid, health care, etc. But I remained optimistic. Perhaps given a week, my mother would come around.*

I found out she'd outed me to a friend. Then, my grandmother, father, and who else I have no idea but suspect a number of others. None of them took my side, all agreed I was probably nuts, etc. Felt betrayed as hell, angrier than I'd been in a long time.*

But a few days passed. After a conversation almost a week after I'd come out, my mother and I agreed to compromise. As long as I gave my mother time to come around, I'd be able to present how I wanted.*

So next few days I was able to bind, pass as male and I was on top of the world. Felt like myself, I was actually passing. Things were looking up.*

Then came Saturday.*

My grandmother had had one of my sisters over at her house. My mom had taken the others to a sporting event. So I'm here, babysitting the four year old my grandmother dropped by. I'm binding. Notice my grandmother's looking at me oddly, focusing on the chest but I think nothing of it. Just going about what's looking to be a rather average day.*

Mother comes home with the others. She's in one of her moods. Raging. I'm answering the door. First thing she does when she walks in? Pulls back my overshirt, jabs at my chest demanding "Where are your boobs, (legal name)?" Apparently, my grandmother had reported how flat my chest looked.*

Mom forces me upstairs to change. I do, completely distraught. She comes up a few minutes later, once I'm in feminine clothing. Accusing me of being on drugs (since I'd have to be to "suddenly go off and buy men's clothing"), she demands my phone.*

I refuse. So she barricades me in my room, sitting against my door, until I handed it over.*

I sit across the room, waiting for her to either give up or for opportunity. She screams at me, saying the same things she'd said when I came out with added threats of having me tested for drugs (which I've never touched, gladly offered myself up to be tested).*

I managed to delete the more compromising texts and messages, block access to EC and my male Facebook account. Everything that'd suggest I planned on leaving home. But couldn't get everything- she ripped the phone out of my hand and demanded the password.

I gave it to her. And she kept me in the room for another half hour, reading through private texts and messages. Many had been messages between me and friends, venting about how coming out had gone, asking for advice on how to take it. One between me and a family friend. Mother accused me of being a charlatan and a traitor, going behind her back. She took the laptop as well, thankfully not receiving the password for it, and I haven't gotten either back since.*

It's been almost three weeks since she took the phone. My only Internet access and ability to communicate with friends now comes from an iPod touch I had managed to hide away in my room and the computers on campus at my college. Had to block access to my old EC account, hence why I'm drwinchester now.*

College is the only place I'm able to live as male. Liberal school, able to have the correct name and pronouns used in class. I've got a locker, a stash of male clothing. I change in the women's restroom as soon as I get on campus. Humiliating to have to duck into the women's room in order to change, worse when the hallways between it and my locker are crowded and people know that I'm not a cisman and probably don't think I'm a man at all but it's the only outlet I've got and I'll do what I have to.*

Family won't come around. No one believes me, mom's dismissive at best. Female pronouns, female name. Everyone's urging me to stay their daughter and ignoring the fact I'd come out at all. As long as I play female, everyone's cordial and pleasant towards me and for now, it's the best I can do to have any shred of respect around here.*

I know what I have to do. Get a job, save up. Move out as soon as I'm stable enough, give the family distance and see if they come around eventually while I begin transition.*

But I guess I don't know how to react. I'm falling apart and no one around here really gives a shit as long as I'm wearing a push-up bra. Wish I'd never been stupid enough to come out. *

Any insight would be appreciated. Thanks.*

 

Thanks, chercheur. Do appreciate it.

I'm able to present male at school, which is a plus. My mom's seemingly calmed down since she seized the laptop but that's only because at the present moment, I've done my best to sweep my gender under the rug. She's especially passive aggressive about it and I'm worried that by presenting male, it'll get worse around here.

But only way she'll come around is if I make it happen, you know? I'm just fucking terrified of what to do in the meantime. Like if she finds out I'm male on campus? I'm dead. College is all I've got anymore.

Hell. She didn't even want to know my name. Only way she found out was because she learned I was Byron through my brother. And of course, she hates the name. Thinks it's "black" even though she's perfectly aware I supposedly named myself after the poet.

So yeah. Long story short, guess I have to stick to my guns. I'm just worried that since I'm not in a position where I can be independent and won't be for another few months, that things could get a lot worse if I do so.