I am madly in love with my straight best friend

This has to be the hardest thing I've have ever had to deal with emotionally in my life, and I've dealt with a lot of things. I'm not sure how much I am writing, so please bare with me.

I don't even know where to start.

First off, I am a Sophomore at College. My best friend and I met the first year of college. We both live about 8 or 10 hours away from each other. We were both pair randomly together in the same dorm our first year at college. When I first met him, we both were really awkward. I didn't even think we would be best friend. He was very shy and dependent of his family when i first met him, myself on the other hand is more outgoing. After like weeks of living together, I notice that our personality really compliment each other. Even though we are both so different, we really complete each other, well at least i think so. I'm not sure WHY, but I fell for him. Not really so much my first semester, but the feelings definitely grew the second semester. Overall I had a great first year with him as my roommate. We were definitely best friend after the first semester. We hung out every single day. and we would talk til' like 2 in the morning every school night. We had really good conversations too. It was stuffs you don't really talk to just anyone about....even if it's like the randomest thing ever. We were definitely going to room again next semester, but this time in an apartment with 2 other guys, so 4 in total.

I remember the very last day of school, when he left and move out is when I knew I was in love with him. The day we both move out of the dorm was one of the most depressing day of my life. I know he sad saying goodbye to me also, but he was also really looking forward to going home. I was just sad in general. We he left, I bawl like a little girl. (wow i'm crying right now). OH CRAP I FORGOT TO MENTION....he does not know i'm bi yet!!!!! actually NOT AT ALL still.

So in the summer, we literally facebook and skype each other EVERY SINGLE day. Even though I was so far from him, we both grew even closer. Everyday I am waiting for school to be back in session so I can see him. I had so much plans for our new apartment, when suddenly one day I got a job offered from the college which requires me to leave in a certain dorm, because I will be an RA. The money is great!!!! and the job really suits my personality. I was seriously crying when i had to make the decision to accept this job. I didn't really care about leaving the other guys, but I would miss my best friend so much.

Sophomore year came, and i came back for the job training. All i can think about that 2 weeks is seeing my best friend. He actually also came back one week early because of a club training. Even though we live on the opposite side of campus, it's literally only like a 4 minute bike ride.

This year my schedule is crazy hectic, Like I say, i am a very involve person on campus. I literally have no time for anyone, not even my best friend or any other friends. All of my time are devoted to a club that I am an executive board for, other general clubs I am in, school, and my RA job. I am somewhat well known on campus, hence I won homecoming prince....anyways. Because I am so busy with my life, i slowly see how distant me and my best friend is. I can go weeks without talking to him. It's very sad. And he really like the dynamics of his new apartment suitmates also. I'm not really a jealous type of person but it makes me extrememly jealous when he talks about his suitemate or roommate. I just keep thinking in my head, Is he going to replace me? It's very sad. I would get very emotional every night. I would just stay up all night thinking about him, and how i dont want to lose him as a best friend.....

We are in the 6 weeks of school now, and I have finally made time for him in my life. I am always in his place or he is always in mine. i've also got to know his roommates and suitmates really well also. but i still get mad and jealous of them for getting to live with my best friend.

I know for 100% sure he is completely straight. He has never had a girlfriend, but he is desperate for one. He is also telling me about all his crushes, which is alot. I really want him to be with someone that will make him happy, but......ehhh i dont know.

Recently he has been over my placed alot. It's fall break and everyone on campus is gone, he's alone and i'm alone. He would spend the night at my place, and we would sleep in the same bed. I love laying with him, i feel so safe whenever I am with him. We sleep in the same bed alot, but he thinks nothing of it. I even forced him to put his hand around me when we are sleeping sometimes. he thinks it's weird, but i told him i just wanna cuddle.

I AM MADLY IN LOVE WITH HIM. he is such an amazing guy. I never thought i would fine him attractive, but he's goregous. I love his hazel eyes, even more when they turn blue in the light. I love his wavey brown hair. I put my hands in his hair all the time, it's so soft. I love his personality. He's such a geniuely nice guy. I love everthing about him, even the fact he gets really annoy really easy. I know for sure he is my best friend and I am his. he tells me everything. we can talk for days!!!


I really want to express my feelings for him, but I don't know how. I dont know why but i keep imaginiely myself telling him "i am madly in love with you", and than he would somehow develop mutual feelings...does that happens? I feel like if he know just how much i love him, he would consider it. If he doesnt, it would seriously break my heart, but more importantly, i don't want to lose him as a friend. I'm not sure what to say. I want to tell him. And he know i'm hiding a big secret from him. I have no idea how to say it, should i say it. I seriuosly have never felt this way about anybody. I feel like he's the only person that can make me happy. I'm really a controlling person, and this feel sucks. I hate feeling this way. it's killing me inside, and i don't know how to cope with it. I feel like one day i will just explode at a horrible time. UGHHHHH why can't he be bi-curious also. Gosh I feel like I so have much to give him.

please let me know what you think, sorry about the last paragraph, i am just jumbling on because my emotion is doing all the talking.

 

Hi thank you for asking......even though this is 5 month ago, I am still dealing with this now. Right after I wrote this post, I texted him that night and he came over the next day. We were in the same bed watching a movie and eating something he brought over. I told him I had to tell him something the night before...so he brought it back up. He knew I havent been myself for awhile and that I was hiding something. Well it was really hard but I told him how i felt about him while he was in bed with me. I really debated to tell him or not, and I end up telling him. I was in tears for a bit and I started out with "I am madly in love with someone who I shouldnt be with", and he knew it was him immediately. He thought it was a joke but it wasnt, and he soon realize it wasnt. He took in everything fine, he told me he was straight, which i knew from the start without questioning his sexuality. Well we are still friends after worth. I told him I will do my best to try to forget about him and stop having feelings.


HERE WE ARE NOW....5 months later. If anything we have only been even better friends....for the next 5 months, we are extremely close, he practically live over my place everyday despite living only a 2 minute bike ride away. TONIGHT!! he texted me and told me he have been talking to a girl, and she seems to have feelings for him also. Even though he's beautiful, this is quite rare for him because he doesnt really talk to girls. But he thought of him being with another girl just made me get so jealous!!!! i was so jealous, i texted him that over texted and i pretty much told him that i still love him and that we probably shouldnt be friends anymore for my sake...Lots of crying on my part....which he didnt see thank goodness. He's sad, because we pretty much only have each other at college, we practically eat every meal together and study together, go to bed together, everything together. I lost a big piece of myself today, and I know he's really sad too. He doesnt want to let me go, but I have to do this. It's really painful, but that's all I can do. Now I am a fairly popular guy within my campus and my club, and around my friends but I still can't find anyone to talk about with these stuffs......I hope that answers your question.

 

I am very thankful for your words of wisdom! This morning I woke regretting so much of what I said last night. I did not let him have the last words last night and expected it to just end for awhile and have some distant in between us. Which is horrible of me because I know it's not his fault he cannot feel the same way. It would be my fault however if I just single handedly destroy a great friendship/brotherhood. I couldn't sleep all of last night just thinking. I woke up at 8am and think some more. Then I finally texted him at 10am (PS: we are on spring break right now that's why we are not together, he's on a rescue mission trip). I pretty much told him that even though I still have feelings for him, I value our friendship more then anything. I apologize for even thinking about shoveling him out of my life after all we been through. FOR THE RECORDS: everything that we've done together, I've done it from a best friend prospected. I've never tried to take advantage of how close we are and try to "trick" him or anything into falling for me. I told him that also. I'm only 20 years old, so I might be young still, but I think the friendship we have going on is amazing. I told him that he's my actual brother! I would take a bullet for my brother. What i need to do is stick to that commitment and only/try to only see him as my brother. He's really excited, even though he's really worry about me. He's really glad to have me back when I texted him and added him back on facebook. I'm glad to have my brother back again.

I just want to mention how close we really are. We seriously do everything together. He spends every single night in my room practically. We wake up together, we eat EVERY meal together, we play football together, we even attend church together every single. He's the perfect friend, someone who is really patient with me but also respectful and understanding. I don't want him out of my life. Like I mention before, I'm pretty well known around campus(26,000) people. I have some high titles on campus, but he's the only one I really trust with my life here. Both being over 5 hours from our house, We only have each other.

I told him this last night and also again this morning that I am actually happy for him. I'm glad he can find someone who he likes and likes him back. I really do hope them the best. I just hope this girl treats him well because she's somewhat promiscuous. I've had my chance with her, but she was just too much for me to handle. I hope he can change her.

 

ahaha thank you! Right now school comes first, and I'm not urgent to to get involve in any relationship. When the right guy comes up, I'll know and I'll never let him go. I think I have a pretty decent personality and I don't think I'm ugly so hopefully I'll find that special one. My next step is to come out, and everything should be so easier afterward. I really do want to thank you! I really appreciate your comment, it means alot to know that someone actually cares. This is my first post every on any type of forum, so it feels good. Is there anyway I can message you personally on here? IDK how to use this


I will update everyone with what will happen next. I will tell you all my fairytale story when it arrive. Please ask me any questions you guys have, because I hope it'll help you self reflect if you are in the same boat as me.

 

awhhh I was just going to ask for your facebook...guess not then.

 

For anyone who is wondering, My best friend and I had our talk today and it went really well. I told him that I knew this day would come, and I know there's nothing I can do about it. I can't change his sexuality. We had a good hour long conversation. I told him that I am actually happy for him, and I have been the whole time. I guess I was just jealous, and I shouldn't be because I can't change it. I told him I still love him, but I will have to try to get rid of those feelings. During the whole conversation, it was not akward at all, I didn't know where to start, but it was like a normal conversation. He told me how sad he was when I told him that I don't want to be friends anymore, so I printed out a contract between us saying that we will always be best friend and brother forever. I also had us both sign it. He has a copy and I have a copy. So we are friends again. Afterward, he went to see his girlfriend. I know it's going to be a tough couple of months seeing them together because they are both my friends, but hopefully seeing how happy he is will make me be even happier for them.