1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Bisexual or Lesbian: Should I wait to come out until I know for sure?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Zeevie, Oct 14, 2013.

Thread Tools

Thread Tools

  1. Zeevie

    Zeevie
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 13, 2013
    Messages:
    108
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Ireland
    Hi :slight_smile:

    So, I'm thinking about coming out to my mother. We have a really good relationship, I'm an only child so we've always been close and can talk about pretty much everything. Thing is, as wonderfully supportive she has been for my cousin (a gay male) and despite being a supporter of gay rights etc. and a generally amazing person, sometimes she can say things in regards to bisexuality that rub me the wrong way.

    She once said she thought bisexuality "wasn't real" and "you either like one or the other" etc. not realising that her words were hurtful until I called her on it. She has never said anything remotely hurtful towards gay men or women or trans etc. just bisexuals.

    I've recently broken up with my boyfriend (who was my friend first and now we're back to being happily just friends) and she was devastated because she adored him and probably thought we'd be together forever (even though he was my first and only relationship in my 23 years).

    Long story short, I found I just couldn't be intimate with him. I dreaded kissing/cuddling/anything sexual with him. We went as far as third base (I think, sorry, I'm Irish and am not sure about the whole baseball analogy haha) but felt absolutely no sexual desire - at first I thought it was because I actually only saw him as a friend, but have come to the realization that whilst I can appreciate men's attractiveness, I have no desire to have sex with them. And I think labeling myself 'bisexual' may be a little off as I have been grappling with the idea that I may be gay because I like the idea of being romantic and sexual with a woman but have not had the opportunity as of yet for a number of reasons, such as low self-esteem etc.

    My question is, should I come out to my mother as bisexual first and see how that goes? Or should I wait until I figure out if I am actually gay instead?

    Thanks x
     
    #1 Zeevie, Oct 14, 2013
  2. El Extranjero

    El Extranjero
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 14, 2013
    Messages:
    65
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    R.O.I.
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Hi Zeevie! Firstly, it's fantastic that your mam is so open and accepting towards gay people, that's always a great start.

    I've found, in general, we're surprisingly progressive here in Ireland when it comes to homosexuality and bisexuality. People often make remarks, like those of your mother, simply because they lack knowledge on the issue nor do they feel the need to research it.

    As it is, you don't seem too sure about how you should identify yourself yet, which is fine. Based on what you've writtne, it sounds to me as if you're gay, but you don't need to label it if you don't want to. If you feel the time is right, and if you felt you would benefit emotionally and psychologically from it, then perhaps you should come out as either bisexual or gay, whichever you associate yourself with more. If you don't feel any internal pressure to get all of this out in the open, it may not be a bad idea to figure it out yourself before sharing it with others. You'll know when the time is right to come out. If you feel that time is now, then great. If you feel you should wait, then do that. Either way, you need to go with your gut feeling on this one.
    Personally, I felt immense relief from sharing it. Even people who I still haven't told have commented on how much more sociable and confident I am this year, which is undoubtedly due to the fact that I no longer carry around the weight of keeping such a huge secret.
    Good luck!
     
    #2 El Extranjero, Oct 14, 2013
  3. Zeevie

    Zeevie
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 13, 2013
    Messages:
    108
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Ireland
    Hi :slight_smile: Thanks so much for your advice, I really appreciate it. I completely agree, it has been my experience that Ireland is quite progressive with regards to homosexuality and bisexuality and neither I, nor my gay friends have had any animosity thrown their way in a very long time.

    My mam really is great. The thing is, I feel awful keeping my feelings from her. I've spoken to two of my friends about it and they say that I should tell her and I'll feel better because we've always been honest with each other about other things and this should be no different.

    There's just a lot going on right now. I'm in my last year of college and thesis and all that stuff so I'm very distracted and overloaded. I think you're right in saying that you feel an immense relief in sharing it. I felt great just telling my two best friends that I wasn't 100% straight.

    So, it's a matter of do I want to tell people to get rid of that added pressure building up so I can focus on my education, or figure things out a little more, try focus on my education and other aspects of my life until I'm 100% sure of how I feel?

    Either way, your reply was very helpful, thanks very much. So nice to know there are other Irish people on here too :grin:
     
    #3 Zeevie, Oct 14, 2013
  4. El Extranjero

    El Extranjero
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 14, 2013
    Messages:
    65
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    R.O.I.
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I'm in my final year of my degree too so I know exactly how stressful things must be for you right now. I know that I needed to come out when I did because it was really having an effect on my education. It got to a point earlier this year, just before I came out in February, that there was a period where I basically locked myself in my room for a week or two and didn't speak to anybody (I was on an Erasmus year at the time so my academic performance didn't matter so much) The level of relief and calm that you feel once you unburden yourself of that secret is inexplicable, I felt so much lighter and more relaxed and comfortable with myself. So if you think it's having an effect on your ability to function in terms of your college work, it really might be worth considering doing it sooner rather than later because you really don't want to put your future opportunities in jeopardy because of it.
    It really sounds like your mam is pretty cool about this kind of stuff, so maybe it could make your relationship even closer, and it's great that you've told some of your friends. The only situation in which I would strongly advise that you wouldn't come it is if you really felt that your mam would either kick you out or stop supporting you financially while you're still in college. If you are pretty sure, like I was, that it's incredibly unlikely that those will happen, then there isn't really a huge amount to be afraid of. If you think that either of those are likely, it's best to keep it under wraps for now. I knew that my mam would be a bit pissed at first, but that there was no chance she'd turn her back on me. Again, as I said, it really has to be based on your gut feeling about it. Often, and certainly in my case, our fears about coming out are unfounded and we expect the worst case scenario, only to find that things usually go pretty smoothly and we come out the other side feeling happier and more confident.
    Whatever you decide, keep us posted :slight_smile:
     
    #4 El Extranjero, Oct 14, 2013
  5. Zeevie

    Zeevie
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 13, 2013
    Messages:
    108
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Ireland
    I'm glad you seemed to have come out the other side very well :slight_smile:

    Yeah, that makes sense. You've certainly given me some great points, and a lot to think about. I know that my mam wouldn't turn her back on me regardless, my dad either, so I'm not worried in that respect. And I know it would ease the pressure a lot too.

    I'm gonna think on it a bit more, weigh the pros and cons about coming out in the near future. I think it would make more sense to come out while single anyway. I wouldn't want to be in a situation where I meet a great girl and still be in limbo with my parents.

    Thanks so much again for your kind and helpful comments and I will indeed keep ya posted :slight_smile:
     
    #5 Zeevie, Oct 14, 2013
(You must log in or sign up to post here.)