I've been so wrong.

I spent an evening doing nothing but drinking and thinking and meditating in my room, relaxing and letting go. I realize my biggest mistake in figuring out my ish.

From a young age I equated being into boys with fitting in. I looked at what others were doing all the time, and when I felt lonely or weird or atypical I would look at what other girls were doing and try to emulate that. I marveled at how effortless life seemed to others, when it was always so much effort for me. I thought that living as an introvert and as a queer lady I would never find love and acceptance, and so I tried to emulate those around me that I felt had "figured it out".

I realize now that in fact very few people had things "figured out". I saw all around me personalities that radiated, and here I was trying every day to cover mine up and reshape myself.

A life of forced identity cannot be maintained. I remember trying to write my college admission essays and not knowing who I was, what I even could write about that would showcase who this person was. I knew what I did, but not who I was.

Even as I'm coming into my sexuality, I don't have it figured out, and there are days where for me it's a scary thing not to know it for certain. I go on EC to find stories similar to mine. There's nothing wrong with that inherently, but ultimately there are so many diverse experiences that I can't possibly relate to them all. And I will never perfectly relate to any of them, by nature of us being individuals. The connection I have sought on EC is the same connection I've sought from my peers my whole life, and it doesn't exist, at least not in the way I've thought it would.

We are all part of the same fabric, and we are all individual threads. I may look around for inspiration and connection, but I'll always feel lonely if I don't let myself feel things on my own rather than try to use others as a template.

One night, prompted by meeting a lesbian couple that didn't have sex anymore which made me wonder if one of them (who had been with men until then, like me) was in fact straight, I had trouble getting turned on when I was with my girlfriend. Consumed with worry about these poor women and whether or not their lives were full of regrets I had no control over, I worried that maybe I too was straight, that my experience was similar to this woman. Instead of being in the moment and trying to communicate how I felt to my partners, I let my emotions run rampant, but had no idea from where they stemmed or what they meant, which thus led me into further worry and isolation.

I have moments of clarity, of visceral reactions, of undeniable attraction to someone--not just "yea i'll sleep with them", but a genuine desire to explore their body. But in the overanalysis I lose my way. I lose my ability to discern what's real and what's not, what's innate from what's socially constructed.

I am an overanalyzer, and that's okay in some regards; but life was not meant to be lived in scrutiny. Scrutiny won't protect me from heartbreak. Scrutiny won't better connect me with others, or allow me to fully know myself. I have to step away from the microscope sometimes. More importantly, I have to realize that my life is my own, and that other experiences, while relatable, are not my own. I'm grateful for being my own person and no longer trying to live my life by emulating other people.

I have been so many people in the past, and am just now uncovering me.

Anyways there was no question here, I just wanted to share my experience on my quest for love and connection. Hope all you beautiful people have a wonderful night!

 

Thanks Dragonbait, I'm glad that made sense to someone besides me... striving for this feeling of coalescence of conscious and subconscious is so helpful sometimes in breaking old patterns of thinking, and in being honest with oneself.