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Writing a Letter

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Jsmith, Oct 15, 2013.

  1. Jsmith

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    After many failed attempts at plucking up the courage to come out, I've started to consider taking the indirect approach and writing a letter to my parents rather than telling them in person. Just wondering if that's worked for anyone here? I'm worried that it might seem a bit insensitive. I always thought that I'd tell them in person but it doesn't seem like that's going to happen. Any advice?
     
  2. lovely lesbian

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    I haven't come out to my parents yet so I don't really have any advice because it would be rubbish! But do whatever you feel is right for you good luck x
     
    #2 lovely lesbian, Oct 15, 2013
    Last edited: Oct 15, 2013
  3. BelleLey

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    There is no perfect way to do it, if you feel more comfortable writing a letter then do it like that, good luck !
     
  4. biggayguy

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    Writing a letter allowed me to say everything I wanted to say without feeling pressed. It was important to follow up with an actual conversation several days after my parents read the letter; so my letter was just a way to open the discussion. I wish you luck and courage.
     
  5. Depeche

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    A letter might be a good idea.
    I wish I had of thought of writing a letter all those years ago.
     
  6. Fiddledeedee

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    It's worked for some people here, and I very nearly used a letter to come out to my mother. Some coming out letters from other members are archived here. Martin's letter looks like it might be especially helpful.

    You can both use a letter and come out in person if you want to, through handing it to them and waiting whilst they read it. This has a few advantages:

    * It lets you discuss it then and there, but means you can be sure you've said everything you want to say without interruption/ forgetting/ being too afraid.
    * It can act as a neutral object in the conversation, keeping it calmer and more serious. Being impersonal is not always a bad thing.
    * It means you don't have to spend hours or days agonising over whether your parents have read the letter and what their reaction is.

    Write it from the heart, talk to them during/after they read it, whatever you want to do, and it won't be too impersonal. :slight_smile: If you think it would be helpful, you can even just make it a slip of paper with "I'm gay" written down to get yourself over the hump of saying the words aloud.

    If you don't want to hand it to them in person, then that's still fine. This is your coming out and you can do it in whatever way is comfortable for you even if the method seems impersonal to other people. In that case, there's a couple things in particular that I think it would be good to include, although you can write whatever you wish: firstly, emphasis that you are the same person as before and you still love them, and secondly, a request that they write back even a brief note after they read it to to acknowledge that they received the letter, even if they want more time to compose a long response and discuss it with you.

    Whatever you choose to do and whenever you choose to do it, I wish you much luck and I hope they take it well. :slight_smile:
     
  7. Zeevie

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    Some people (myself included) find it easier to express themselves via the written word rather than spoken. When I came out to my two best friends, I found myself stumbling over my words, rambling, going off in a tangent and basically being an awkward turtle about the whole thing.

    Writing a letter can be a great way to be clear and concise as you want to, or a way to just run through every emotion/thought you're feeling. I would advise writing a few drafts and tweaking it until you're as close to 100% happy with it as you can get.

    As for giving it to your parents/people you want to come out to - you could hand it to them in person and wait as they read it? It will probably be very nerve wrecking watching this of course, but it may be better if you're sitting there to answer their queries and talk it out. You can also gauge their reaction via body-language etc.

    Whatever way you choose to do it, I wish you the best of luck :slight_smile: I'm in the same situation myself, thinking about writing a letter to my mum. Hope they take it well and that you feel happy with the result :slight_smile:
     
  8. GArchi1992

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    heyyyy!

    I debated for months before I came out about whether writing a letter was insensitive or not. I actually wrote the letter in April and it took me until July to give it to my parents. I deliberated endlessly, making revisions every night religiously until it was absolutely perfect. I posted on EC a few times to ask peoples opinions and every one said pretty much the same thing... It doesn't matter how you come out, just as long as you do it somehow.

    Writing a letter is a great way to get all your thoughts out on paper, and once you do, you start to see things in a totally new light. It helps to give you some perspective on the situation. The other good thing is that it's indirect. I know with my parents, they would have interrupted me mid flow and it would have thrown me off kilter. Writing a letter forced them to sit and read it so they could fully understand where I was coming from and to understand my thoughts and feelings at that time.

    I didn't dare hand the letter to my parents in person. I was going away on holiday for a few days and I left it on my bed before I left because I knew my mum would go in my room that morning. Without fail, she found the letter and within minutes of me leaving the house. I had about 6 missed calls and about 6 voicemails on my phone. That I just couldn't find the courage to answer.

    I feel like this is a good way to go, but only you know what is best for yourself and your current situation. One final thing is that, a letter gives people time to digest the news and allows it to sink in and for them to form a valid response to it.

    Good luck with whatever you decide to do! Everything will be fine :grin::grin::grin:
     
  9. Jsmith

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    Thanks for all the help, guys. I did it today and it feels so good to finally be able to be honest with my family. Writing a letter wasn't my first preference but it worked and it was a good way to tell my parents without chickening out.
     
  10. Fiddledeedee

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    Good for you! :slight_smile: I hope they reacted/will react well.