Hi everybody this is my first post and I hope that it goes well For starters, I apologize. This is going to be a very long winded post, as this is the first time I have talked about this to literally anybody. I guess I can start by summing up everything that is getting to me. See, I think really deep down that I am gay, but that thought alone terrifies me. Not really because it affects me, but because of what it will do to the people in my life. See, in the sixth grade I remember having a conversation with the rest of the basketball team after practice. At the time I noticed that I could not help glancing at the other guy’s bodies. Meanwhile all the guys could talk about was this site they had found where you could look at naked girls and told me that I had to check it out. So naturally I was already feeling confused as to why I was having these feelings, but just decided to ignore these emotions, hoping that they would go away. Later at home, when I was alone, I am ashamed to say that I got on the internet and looked up the sight. As I sat there staring at these images, I realized that the excitement and interest that my fellow classmates had been talking about was absent. In truth, I felt nothing whatsoever. Instead a strange twist in the back of my head desired to look at something else… This came back to haunt me however, when my mother decided to take a look at our browsers history. At the time I was fishing with my uncle, and was simply left a text on my phone saying “we need to talk.” I was still a kid, so of course I freaked out fearing that she knew. Later, she confronted me alone, and asked me if I was gay. I desperately wanted to say yes, you know just be free of this secret which burdened me so. But the look on her face was one I don’t think I could ever describe. I want to say shame, mixed with failure, depression, and fear. I couldn’t do it so I lied, and said “no of course not, it was just something that I had heard about at school and was curious.” I acted revolted at the thought, which seemed to relieve her of whatever thoughts she had. I promised myself that day that no matter what, I could never give in to these feelings again. Life moved into high school, and I found that as the years went on my relationship with my parents became strenuous. I found myself angry with them for no reason, especially my mother. We argued all the time and she frequently pointed out my lack of interests in relationships which she deemed “weird”. For some reason that word really hurt, so I got a girlfriend and dated her for an entire year before breaking up with her after she started asking me for a more serious relationship. I felt horrible because I could not return these feelings to her, and ashamed that I had wasted so much of her time on something that I knew would never work. I started becoming less socially active, feeling out of place everywhere I went. My parents feared that I was on drugs. Meanwhile, being on the football team, all my friends were into the typical high school drama of having sex. Left and right I was told how, “Dude I slept with her!” and this and that, all the while being asked how I was doing in that department. Of course I lied; I was seen as a role model in the school, good at sports good at academics, involved in clubs, part of the drama department, I didn’t want to let anybody down. So I created stories to fool my friends. But I felt even further apart from everybody. Everything was just one big lie. My senior year I dated another girl for only a month to appease a relentless mother bent on finding me the perfect girlfriend. The only thing that was still making me happy at this point was my best friend. We did everything together. From playing sports, to going to the lake, wakeboarding in the summers, skiing in the winters, ect. See I won’t deny it, I love this kid. Not literally though, more like the love you have for a little brother. My freshman year of college he admitted to me that he had the biggest crush on my sister. With a few words of encouragement to both him and my sis, I eventually helped the two to become a couple. But as they started spending more time together, I found myself left completely alone. And the feelings that I had been suppressing for so long started to dominate my thoughts. I felt disgusted with myself for being so weak minded. Sometimes I would fall asleep arguing with myself on whether or not I was gay or straight. This would end with a stream of repeated words. “I’m straight I’m straight I’m straight I’m straight I’m straight.” Then one night, after a party, I and several others crashed at my best friend’s house. I was drunk and could hardly stand, barely making it to the couch while the others passed out on the floor. My friend got me a glass of water before lying down on the other couch. He turned on the tv and soon we were all asleep. I woke up again at 4 in the morning feeling cold. I felt around in the dark and found a hoodie draped over the top of the couch, so I grabbed it and wrapped it around me. My best friend’s aroma, a particular type of cologne, flooded my nostrils. I wrapped my arms around it as if it were going to fly away, taking huge breaths, just wanting that scent to fill every fiber of my body. That morning, I was the first one up, and the first to leave. It was at this moment I think that I realized; no matter how hard I fought I would never be able to overcome these feelings. It also horrified me, the emotions that my friends jacket stirred up inside. I grew scared that I would lose control, do something stupid, and lose my best friend. I have desperately wanted to talk about all of this for a while now, but my parents were not an option. See, my father is, well in short, the epitome of a homophobic bigot. The mere sight of a gay couple sends him into a curse filled rant, saying things I dare not repeat. My mother likewise, is also fairly homophobic, though is less vocal about it. But when she sees a post on Facebook, or a news article or anything related to it she can’t help but mutter about people being, “disgusting freaks.” Sadly enough, my best friend has on more than one occasion also expressed his disgust for gay people, often using the phrase “worthless faggot” to describe someone. And to top it all off, there isn’t a single person in my family, both immediate and distant, that has ever come out as gay. In fact, the more I think about it, the more I realize that they are all pretty much homophobic. In short, I have come to terms with the fact that I am most likely gay, and I myself am fine with that. But this kind of revelation I feel will just rip away all the people that I love. I have tried so hard to picture them accepting me for what I truly am, but all I can see and feel is bitter rejection. Please I need some good advice. Where do I go from here?
Well first of all, well done for coming to terms with it yourself. It takes a lot to get there especially when you have so much negativity around you! A couple of questions I have to ask first, if you don't mind me asking. How old are you? How dependent are you on your parents? When your friend calls someone a worthless faggot, is this directed at a gay person or does he just use the word 'faggot' as a negative term for anyone he doesn't like?
Thanks for responding! I am currently nineteen years old. I live at my college for now, and want to find some roommates that would be willing to share the rent on an apartment. I'm literally only 30 minutes away from home though. And my friend has used the faggot term for both gay people, and just people in general.
You are definitely going to need to find a circle of gay friends and supportive friends to spend some of your time with, and to whom you can confide your orientation. You probably should not come out to your parents or your "best" friend yet, until you have that other support system in place. You may have to stay closeted to your parents until you are no longer financially dependent on them; if that doesn't seem quite fair, remember that they are pushing you away with their bigotry, not the other way around; they reap what they sow. Once you get that support system in place, you can gradually come out to the people you trust, and date them discretely and selectively until you are fully out. The gay ones will understand the situation you are in. Your best friend may not still be your best friend after he learns your status, but that kind of change, or his inability to, is just "life".
Another quick question then if you please. I don't have any other friends that are gay, and I come from a small town type of home. Even the city I live in is really quite pitifully small. I want to have fellow gay people to relate too, but how can I go about it discretely? My sister also goes to college with me and the last thing I need is for somebody to see something and then pass the word around. I do know one other gay person who was my friend, but he moved away so........... ugh this is stressful :bang:
Mylo360, first welcome and congrats on coming to terms with yourself. There is nothing there to be ashamed of. Your fear of rejection is not irrational, and I agree with Yossarian that coming out to them can wait until you are ready. Start where you can. Start here, I know we aren't a real life go and hang out kind of group, but you'd be surprise just how much you can accomplish at EC. So start with working on what you can, you. Practice saying all the things you've been bottling up for so long out loud. I've been practicing all day, been a great day. Build you own self-confidence. Realize that you aren't a freak. You are not alone, that most of us get it. Perhaps as you work on those things you will begin to find some of the answers to the other questions. The how's, when's and who's. Do you still have contact with your gay friend? Phone number, e-mail. Reach out. Share this with him if you can. He might have some ideas about where to turn in your small town. Take a deep breath. It will be OK, stop banging your virtual head against the wall. You are, as of this first post, not alone.
Is it possible your friend isn't actually homophobic but just uses the word faggot for lack of anything better? Plenty of people do without considering the implications of the word...just a thought.
First of all, congratulations on admitting to yourself that you are gay! That's such a huge step, and is often the hardest one. Being gay isn't a walk in the park, but it also doesn't have to be a super difficult path. Often, people's views on homosexuality can change once someone near and dear to their hearts come out to them and just explain their feelings. No, it's not a guaranteed outcome, but it can (and does) happen! You can also drop subtle hints to your friends and family, perhaps first expressing your support for LGBT rights and then slowly drop hints that you yourself are gay. Best of luck and let us know how everything turns out!
Mylo360, Okay first of all, Yes ...you are gay..if there was a home kit you could buy to test yourself, the little indicator strip would read, "FABULOUS" -I'm basing that on your "sweatshirt" part of your story. If your friends aroma is like Acqua Di Gio and you want that to fill every fiber of your body..well ..wow! ...thats some vivid imagery! In fact, if the numbers were ever known, I think your post alone drove people asking to borrow their friend's sweatshirts up 25% after reading your post. So second, don't come out just yet, in fact put another lock on that closet door, burrow down under the floorboards, tunnel out about 60 feet and build yourself a little underground shelter with a big screen, some video games and one of those little red bull fridges. Why? Cause you used two particular words "terrified" and "horrified" to describe your gay feelings. You're not ready until you can use better adjectives to describe being gay. Become more accepting of yourself and comfortable in your own skin first. For now, if you can find someone who is gay, talk to them or maybe try and confide in one good friend at the most. But further negativity isn't what you need at this point. If you have no other options, you've already found a good resource with EC and use the internet. Be sure you password protect your computer/smartphone/tablet and take the time to learn how to properly clear browsing history/cookies/everything each time your browser closes, you don't need any homophobe nazi's snooping making life harder than it already is. Parts of your story resonated deeply and struck a chord with me. Though we don't have similair situations so much, it still took me back to "the dark days" when I read your post and the similairities in feelings we've had. I couldn't accept that I was gay for a very long time, convincingly lied to myself it was a phase and wasn't until I was 20 that I could look in the mirror and say, "I'm gay". That still didn't stop me from trying not to be sometimes, wishing I wasn't, hating myself for it, and much like you worrying so much about what others would think and how they would react. Nine years later, I was 29 before I reached the point were I could bring myself to utter "I'm gay" to another human being. And it wasn't because I was dancing on any rainbows, I was mentally "cracked" and so unhappy to the point where I it was either come out of the closet - or die. It was almost to the point where I couldn't see which one was the better choice. Now things are much better, I've accepted myself, have a much healthier attitude and even a little self-esteem, my friend's support and acceptance of me is what made the difference. You know what I'm still not completely out, My father passed and never knew, and I've never talked to my mother about it. I don't really care if she knows or not now, with the dynamic in our relationship I have no urge for her to know. All my friends know, and I didn't lose a single friend the day I came out, that's good enough for me. From your writing, I see that you're actually a very strong and brave individual and one who possess natural leadership abilities. Its not many who can sacrifice their own happiness and become a role model, good at sports, get good grades, be socially involved in other activites setting an example for others all while enduring the silent heartbreak everytime you might look at a certain specific male and see him as the definition of beautiful and that happy feeling of attraction inside that you feel knowing you can't possibly share or express that to anyone. Its damn unfair too, you see other boys freely expressing that to females all the time, but should you do what comes natural...whoa! stop the presses! look at this faggot! Hearing your friends say "faggot", your dysfunctional mom calling you weird. And lying in bed at night, trying to think your way out of being gay. Repeatng your straight over and over again. Yeah LOL ...that did kinda strike a chord with me there. And sorry for rambling on, but my point there is, I hope by now you've realized, you're not a weak-minded person at all --you're a very strong one. Its not weak that you can't deny urges that were programmed into you from birth and will never go away, and society shouldn't ask a gay man to do that especially when they don't expect a straight man to do it. The one good thing you can look forward to at your age is that you're through most of the bad crappy part of being gay. You can finally begin to live for yourself! Over the next decade you'll go through a process where you'll shed that mentality where you have to live up to someone else's expectations (your parents or your school or friends or people at school) and you'll begin to realize all you need to do is live up to your own expectations and make a great life for yourself. And trust me, that will happen, your parents approval and school will rotate out of the center of your world and all that self-loathing/hatred because you've been striving in futility to become someone else's idea of what you ought to be will seem less and less important as you'll be busy with your job, your boyfriend, going out with friends and enjoying life. The more out you are then, the happier you'll be and if your parents still can't accept you, well even at this point they've already missed out on so much life they could've shared with you because of their own hatred and biggotry, but its only their loss because that time that could've been spent with them, will be replaced with you pursuing your own happiness, goals and dreams. I'm really starting to ramble now, huh? okay almost done... If you're still awake reading my mega post , I'll reiterate what ElliaOtaku said on your best friend saying faggot. Guess what? My two best friends and all my closests friends all say that. Hell I even say it sometimes or even a "Thats Gay" (though mostly to be ironical nowadays - (and please no PC lectures from anyone)). After I came out to them, they brought up that fact of all the times they said it and they told me they were sorry for saying it, I could see on their faces they felt guilty too. Myself, I didn't care though, its just an expression, in fact I told them to keep saying it. I didn't want my coming out to change anything like that or make them feel like they couldn't say something it in front of me. If it happens as a natural course that they say it less now because they know their good friend is gay...great. So maybe your best friend is your best option for someone to come out to, maybe he's not. You'll have to decide that for yourself. I know for me part of what made me want to finally come out wasn't so much for myself, it was my group of friends, especially my two closest friends. We'd been friends over ten years, and I thought what if another ten years go by and they find out and they hate me for it. I didn't want them to feel like they wasted their life being friends with a gay person if they didn't want that. LOL -my friends are a bit redneckish and NOT the type you'd think would be accepting of gay people at all. In fact, my best friend, he's the type where I could've asked basically anyone else if I should tell him I'm gay and even people who didn't know him that well, they'd have been like, oh hell no! Don't tell him! But he was my closest friend and he needed to know, so when I told my best friend, I basically expected him to knock me out and I'd wake up a few minutes later and he'd be gone..forever. Instead, he hugged me, told me he loved me, said nothings changed I'll always be the same person to him ...and how relieved he was I wasn't dying - I was bawling when I told him so he thought I was gonna tell him I was dying of cancer or something lol - so yeah odds are SOMEONE will accept you, people can surprise you, even if you think you know them. if you're still with me and not fast asleep..I just thought I'd relate to you some of my personal experiences and some advice from what I've experienced in life and hopefully some of that will help you out. It really DOES get better. Good Luck
Can I just say one thing? Wow... your words,..... I haven't really felt this good about myself in a while. Thank you so much. Really all I could think about today, at school, at work, was ways of coming out, and all it felt like was fumbling around in a dark cave with a pit waiting to swallow me whole. But everything that you just said, i don't know maybe its corny but it made be feel so much better, like an insta cure medicine or something. It also gave me an idea, and seeing as how this is the most confidence Ive had on anything in this area im sticking to it. Thank you and everybody else so much! !!!!!! ---------- Post added 16th Oct 2013 at 06:38 PM ---------- Oh and as for the sweater.... I can tell you that my original pre-post went into the full detail .... but i felt a little foolish going that far. Nothing gross i promise you, just hopelessly desperate.
So this is my first post in this forum. I can relate to your story very well. I came out for the first time 5 days ago to a few friends. However, it took a ton of soul searching before I decided to take the big leap forward. I'm 21 and I just came to terms with the fact that I'm gay. Up until recently, I swore to myself that I'd keep this a secret until I died, even if it meant being alone the rest of my life. I was able to do this well and just blend in. However, it was not until a month ago when I became infatuated with a guy in one of my classes that I knew I had to address my sexuality. Eventually I came around and now I'm okay with being gay. I'm still the same person that I was before. However, like you not a single person in my immediate or giant extended family of over 20 cousins has ever come out of the closet and most of my extended family is very homophobic. I don't plan on telling them anytime soon. Two of my best friends are also homophobic so im scared to tell them too. Luckily for me I have an insanely supportive group of friends outside those 2 friends and honestly, being out to them has made me so much happier. I can truly be myself around them now. I guess what I'm trying to say is that when you're ready, find a supportive person and tell them. You'll feel so much better. But you have to be ready to do it. It's a process that you can't rush. You have to be ok with yourself before you let people in. I'm so sorry this is long, but as a newly out person, I could relate to you a lot. If you ever need any advice please do not hesitate to contact me.
Awesome! I'm glad it helped you out and I'm glad it made you feel better. I'm a little curious which parts you liked best (which parts you especially connected with). I'm also wondering what you meant when you said it gave you an idea and you're sticking to it - if thats something you feel like you can share. Whatever if it is, I hope it works out good. And naw don't worry about corny, a little corny ...its like a dash of vanilla..just makes it better Lastly, Yeah your sweatshirt/sweater story just made me think of that Cologne Acqua Di Gio by Armani ...that stuff is like friggin catnip to me...drives me crazy..put that on a guy and its just like you describe...every fiber lol. Peace
Well I definitely connected with the feelings you had about your friends. Not wanting to waste their time if they don't want to be my friend simply because of who I am. My best friend is pretty much your classic example of a modern day cowboy, kinda redneckish. As for my idea, well I Have one other friend whom i love and trust as much as the other. Its funny really, there is my country friend who had the sweater, and then this friend who during school I actually would prefer to hang out with simply because I could actually have intelligent conversations with. We have known eachother since we were kids, and he is a fairly open minded person. He is straight though (been with a girl for 4 years now i swear they are going to get married) and he moved away for college. My idea, simply put though, is im going to go visit him possibly for Halloween and the rest of that weekend. Its going to be rough, but of all the people in my life i feel that i have the best shot of acceptance with him so im going let him know that i am gay.
Mylo360, Yeah, I was really depressed at the time when I came out and I really was at the point where if I didn't come out, I just wanted to die. And thinking of what I was doing to my friends is kinda what cinched it. You see, people in general are much more accepting nowadays. But during my teen years and some of my twenties, I basically had to become a master liar. I didn't like that, didn't like being so close to friends, but they still didn't really know me. I could take the misery if all I was hurting was myself. But then I thought of how they'd feel, with the group of friends I have, we've all been friends since my teens, and its been almost 20 years now, but at the time, I'd been good friends with all of them for like 12 years. And I just thought for as I much as I cared for all of them, how could I do that to them, have them find out in another ten years they wasted 20 years of their life being friends with a fag. Now I know a lot of people would just be like who cares if they're bigots and I see that, but I cared enough about them I didn't wanna hurt them like that if they really felt they didn't wanna be friends with a gay person. I've discussed that with them since then and they're all just like how could you think that? How could you think we would hate you? You're our friend. So yeah, I got lucky. Got a good bunch of friends. Some I think of as family. One of our group even turned out to be gay as well, and yeah he was deeper in than me, he really did have a little fallout shelter rigged up in his closet with a red bull fridge..lol ..my coming out gave him the strength to do it and he's doing better now. Still hasn't told his parents and siblings, but at least he's got some support. So yeah, I hope it goes good with talking to your friend. The main advice I'd give you now is prepare yourself either way. It sounds like from your post, you still are in the process of accepting yourself. Make sure you know in your heart, (yeah I know it sounds cheesy, but for real) that you know being gay that you're gonna be okay no matter what. And be smart about it too, build an emotional support system where you can, this site, hopefully your friend, but also think financially like with your parents. You know your situation best, so you know if you're ready. Emphasize to your friend after you tell him, that you're still the same person you've always been and if he can't accept you, that you'll understand. And truly prepare yourself for either answer, or even if he's okay about it talking with you, but then distances himself. I've actually been lucky and haven't had to deal with that personally so much, at least not with anyone who mattered. Once again, good luck, and if you need to talk, we're here. ---------- Post added 17th Oct 2013 at 04:28 PM ---------- And always remember, if you do hit any kind of rejection ever or feel down, just think of the numbers, there are 7 billion lonely people in this world who want to love and be loved. For every bigot who can't accept a gay person, with a little initiative, odds are theres 10 more standing in line waiting to take their place. It might take time, but if you put yourself out there, you find all the love and support you'll ever need.
