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There's NO Way I Can Do This

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by BasicallyIt, Oct 15, 2013.

  1. BasicallyIt

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    20-years-old, realized I was (gay, maybe bisexual?) at 19-years-old. I'll be 21 soon.

    It's almost been 2 years and I've still yet to accept it for myself.

    Here's the scoop:

    My heart hurts ALL THE TIME. I mean not one second where I am not fully engulfed in some sort of emotional pain from not coming out. I've been straight all my life. I've dated girls since 8th grade with absolutely no idea of being gay. I had a girlfriend in college WHILE HAVING NO IDEA I was gay. At all. I was totally comfortable with my life and situation and then, I did some drugs that I won't name and bam.

    A couple weeks later, after smoking weed, I realize "it" and I totally denied it.

    100% denial and not even remotely acknowledging it in any way, shape or form. Let me get this straight though.

    I know this may not be relevant, but:

    -I'm an attractive, good hearted guy that has a HUGE social circle. Absolutely no trace or "sign", I guess you can call it, that I'm gay
    -Everyone loves me. I've been with a good amount of women in my lifetime and girls drool over me. Every turn I take, a friend of mine (usually girl) will say, "My friend thinks you're SOOO cute. You should talk to her!!!"
    -I fully chase women. I date women, have sex with them, cuddle, laugh and smile with them. I have close guy friends (in a fact, a big social circle and a couple close buddies) that I always hang out with. I don't feel attracted to them, but we're ALL attractive guys (about 3 or 4 of us) that girls just can't get enough of. We walk around and turn heads (I swear, I don't want to be full of myself, but that is the true situation)
    -I workout 5 times a week, have been bulking up and girls notice. They like my arms and body, will touch me, flirt and make jokes. I respond happily and enjoy their company, usually start getting with them - whatever happens, I don't mind

    This is a long post, but screw it, I need to get my story out to you guys. This is the first time I've ever even mentioned something like this to an online community. Funnily enough, I'm a part of another community for guys to pick-up women and was even a MODERATOR there at one point. This all happened before I even had any idea I was gay in any way.

    I want so badly to come out, but my image is so far gone at this point. My heart can't handle anymore of this fake s#@% anymore. I want, no, NEED help.

    I'm sorry for the long post, but I'm just lost.

    BTW I'm a Junior in college, chillen like a villian :grin:

    Anyway, brick walls left and right. Damn. SOS, I need some direction.
     
  2. lowkey

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    hey man, you did not state why you thought you were straight or why you went for woman.
    as in, do you have Any attractions at all to woman?
    Next question, do you watch a fuckload of porn and do you masturbate alot?
    (yourbrainonporn.com)
    next question, do you care about wanting to come out, or do you care about 'finding your sexual orientation' im confused by your post. we have different forum areas for 'coming out' this part is finding your innate sexual attraction.


    id just like to point out my story is similiar, i dated girls my whole life, i had sex with girls my whole life. then a scenario played out over a few months which made me question my sexuality. i had a bad heartbreaking break up, i was watching porn/masturbating alot, and then one day i was high and watching woman wasn't getting me off and then i looked at the guy and instantly came. it was on another level.. i did the same thing, i jumped into a relationship for two years to 'prove' to myself i was straight. but it ended and i was worse off in denial. i started accepting being gay, quit porn/masturbating. and my attraction is currently balancing out, everyday it feels a bit stronger. just my story. i will tell it to anyone that will listen regarding porn/masturbation addiction.
     
  3. Episode

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    Hey and welcome to EC! :slight_smile:

    I can't exactly give you advice, but rather sympathise with you over wanting to come out to everyone...

    I am curious though, when you say "A couple weeks later, after smoking weed, I realize "it" and I totally denied it", mind going into some detail? What exactly catalysed that realisation? I'm not questioning your certainty, but realising after smoking pot doesn't seem very... legitimate. If you know what I mean?

    Now I get the whole 'image' thing, but remember that aspect can be turned into your favour. If you're popular and loved by all, people will still like you -- although you have to assess the people you hang out with, are they likely to be homophobic?

    When you're ready, find the person you trust THE MOST and feel most comfortable in telling. First step is always the most important, just remember to take your time!
     
    #3 Episode, Oct 15, 2013
    Last edited: Oct 15, 2013
  4. BasicallyIt

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    Yes - I am attracted to women, but I'm just not happy with myself fully. I enjoy having sex with them and being with them, but... I don't know. I guess something's missing?

    I really couldn't tell you for sure.

    I want to know what my sexual orientation is, I guess? I had a dream that just screamed "You're GAY!" and it freaked me the hell out and I woke up the next morning having a pain in my heart.

    What the hell is going on? I'm not open to coming out right now, truthfully, but I don't know if it's me being bisexual or gay or what.
     
  5. Gipsy

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    Okay well, for what it seems like you do have an attraction to women romantically and physically so therefore you don't seem to be gay as you seem infatuated by the thought of females. However, pain in your heart? You never really mentioned anything about having even the slightest attraction towards males, whether physically or romantically. Only you know what that "pain" in your heart truly indicates.
     
  6. BasicallyIt

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    I'm denying any attraction to males that I might have.

    I want to accept myself, but I feel that I've lived with the pain for so long that I've become numb to it. The self-acceptance is so far for me and I don't want to remain this unhappy for the rest of my life - it's just not worth it.

    This isn't half as easy as it looks.

    ---------- Post added 16th Oct 2013 at 05:29 PM ----------

    I don't think I have any homophobic friends, but the annoying part is people come up to me and say, "Dude, I think he's gay."

    And points to this dude that makes too many gay jokes. It's like they're coming up to me because I'm so calmed and straight that they can confide in me with these sorts of things.

    Even for women. I give great advice on how to get women, keep them, etc. and guys often ask me what I do, where the parties are, and what's going on. I've been feeling pretty lonely the past couple months especially because I haven't had sex for nearly 8 months now.

    I don't know. I need to get my sh!% together.
     
  7. Ritor365

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    The unhappiness and pain will pass (*hug*) It runs it's course and leaves, don't worry :slight_smile:

    Anyway, I'd say just try not to focus on it honestly...I know it's easier said than done, but try too. You might not even have attraction to males, I believe at one point or another everyone questions their sexuality, even if there is nothing to question. Or possibly a Kinsey 1. Either way, it will all be ok eventually, no matter what you are. It's as trivial as whether someone is left handed or right handed.

    Sorry if I'm not to helpful, I'm more or less just support :slight_smile:
     
  8. BasicallyIt

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    This post actually helped me. Just a morsel amount of support will suffice for me.

    I just want hope to be happy. I know it sounds scary, but I feel as though my soul is broken, and my heart doesn't know what it wants. I feel awful about myself but hopefully this will pass with time. I need to focus inward and on myself from now on and not worry about the little things anymore.

    Thank you so much for your kind words.
     
  9. ConfusedMan1

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    Why don't you just try to be with some cute and sexy dude and see how you will feel about it?
    :slight_smile:
     
  10. hitgirl

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  11. scanner007

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    Can you give us some examples of experiences you'd had that might lead you to believe that you might be gay?
    When did you first start having attractions towards the same sex?
    Do you have any sexual fantasies with the same sex?
    When you look at images or imagine another male, especially his penis, do you become sexually excited? Do you imagine what his penis might feel like if you held it or had oral sex with it or anal sex? Does picturing this happening sexually excite you?

    I ask you this because from everything I've read so far you haven't really mentioned any of the above, I don't really see much evidence that you are gay, perhaps mildly bisexual, but it does seem perhaps you might have some stress and anxiety. Maybe some panic or depression that's going along with your confusion. Perhaps the thought of being gay frightens you and that, coupled with some anxiety issues might make one of your worst fears jump out there and feel like its true because you're having anxiety about it.
    You might consider seeking counseling or being evaluated by a mental health professional. They can help you work out some of your issues, if any.
    Also, you mentioned in your post after smoking weed that you
    I would recommend you stay away from weed until you've spoken to a therapist, the weed alone, even if it isn't laced with another drug, could exacerbate anxiety and paranoia particularly the sativa strains.
    At any rate, I'd relax, have no fear, if you're gay - you're gay. It'll work out.
    I might point out though, as you say you're an attractive guy and you have 3-4 several attractive friends. Generally, the people who come on here with gay feelings are usually in love(crushing) or highly attracted to at least one of their friends. Your post mainly focuses on mood disorders which can have many causal factors. Finding the cause, will help you find the proper treatment which I would make your first priority, then you can address your homosexual feelings with a calmer more focused mindset.
    Good Luck