I have been questioning my sexuality for a long time - but it has only been recently (in the last few months) that I have finally taken the plunge and actively tried to figure things out. I have never really found myself attracted to guys, but I always told myself it was because I was shy and needed to get to know someone really well before I would feel that for someone. In fact, I really do not have the urge or desire to be with anyone of either gender physically before I get to know them really well. I think when I'm honest with myself I think I am pretty confident that I am a lesbian, but there is a tiny part of me that is unsure and I'm not sure if that is just me unwilling to fully accept myself or real uncertainty. It also makes it more difficult that I am not open to immediately getting physical with most people. I know I may have some walls up around physical contact, but this is also making it very difficult for me to figure out my sexuality and who I am attracted to. I am 25 years old and feel that I should be at a place where I know this by now and am out and comfortable with this. I have spent the last few years trying very hard to date a man, and have gone on several dates but never wanted it to go anywhere beyond the conversation. I finally went out on my first date with another woman about 2-3 weeks ago - someone I met online. I was beyond nervous but the date went fine. I think I was putting a lot of pressure on myself to figure things out, so it was a little uncomfortable at first, but the conversation ended up being good and I was open to a second date. This past week we went out for dinner for a second date and the conversation was great. I felt as if I could be best friends with this person and we talked until the restaurant closed. She then walked me to the car and we ended the night a hug and a kiss on the cheek. I think she may have expected it to go farther, but I was not comfortable with much beyond that. Because I am so conservative about getting physical with someone, I am having trouble distinguishing whether I am not attracted to her sexually, not attracted to women, or just have walls up and need more time. Tonight is our third date and she has invited me over to her place to make dinner and watch a movie. While this sounds innocent, I know there are likely expectations attached, and I am not sure how much I am ready for. Even holding hands/cuddling is a big deal for me in this situation because I am still trying to figure out myself. Is this normal to be THIS nervous and unsure, or if I feel this uncertain should I just not pursue this any farther? I have friends who have said that if I am into her I would know immediately and wouldn't be questioning this. I also feel like because she seems so great and the conversation is so good that I don't want to mess things up by either freaking out if I get uncomfortable when things move too fast, or by sharing too much about telling her she is basically the first woman I have dated and that I want to take things really. How much should I share? When should I share it? Or am I way off base and shouldn't even go on the date? I also am not sure how much to share with her around still being in the process of coming out, as I know some people get hesitant when they know you're not completely out. I want to be able to explore this (I think?) slowly and likely not very publicly, as I need to get to a place where I'm comfortable with myself before I present that to others. The idea of holding hands with her in her apartment tonight makes me nervous, let alone in public. I do have a few friends who I have told about this and can talk to, but they are getting tired of hearing about it. I'm miserably nervous and would appreciate any advice before tonight.
Okay, I have no experience either but I think it's quite natural for you to be nervous because everything is so new for you and unknown but as you can see you'd been worried before as well but everything turned out to be fine, good and even great How much should you share? As much you are comfortable with! If something doesn't feel right or you think things are moving too fast, just tell her. I don't know how much you know about each other yet but I think she'd understand. It's no shame that you're inexperienced in the women department. Just be honest with her. Anyway, what do you think are her expectations for tonight?
I think her expectations are going to be for significantly more physical contact tonight. I say this because I know she is more experienced and we met online and she had it stated that she would be willing to sleep with someone after a first date. While I realize this is a generalization, I also think this suggests that the pace that we are moving at (a hug and kiss on the cheek at the end of the second date) may be something she wants to pick up tonight. I am fine if this is limited to hand holding and kissing, yet even that makes me very nervous because I just do not know what I am doing. I know I just have to go and try, but I wish I could take away this panic feeling inside of me. It makes me consider just shrinking back inside my little closet and accepting being alone.
I agree with all of the above. Also, have you considered that you may be romantically attracted to women, but not sexually attracted (there's a difference)? Maybe you're just nervous, but it might be something to look into.
Oh wow, I had not even considered that. But I guess it could be true. My one other experience with another woman was with a close friend who became more than a friend. It begin emotionally and remained very much based on an emotional connection. Although things eventually became somewhat physical, as well, I did not have a physical attraction to her, but really enjoyed the closeness of being intimate with her. I'm not sure if that makes me more or less confused...
mm4567, you wrote, When you're bored and in the mood to do some reading, copy and paste that into google and see what search results get returned. Particularly ISD: Inhibited Sexual Desire (I noticed you used the word physically and not sexually) Next, turn down the lights, light a candle, put your headphones on or crank up the speakers and go to youtube, blast this song, Enigma Sadness Part 1,2,3 Enigma - Sadness Part 1-2-3 - YouTube and relax. Read this two defnitions: pas·sion ˈpaSHən/ noun noun: passion; plural noun: passions; noun: Passion; noun: the Passion 1. strong and barely controllable emotion. "a man of impetuous passion" de·sire dəˈzī(ə)r/ noun noun: desire; plural noun: desires 1. a strong feeling of wanting to have something or wishing for something to happen. Now enjoy the song, or play one you actually like thats similiar if you find you really hate this one. And think about the definition of those words. Close your eyes while the music plays and think of those two words in terms of sex. Whats the first image that comes to mind? Who comes to mind? Where are you at? (a beach, a hottub, a nice hotel?) Have you felt those feelings before?...what were you doing? When you are full of passion and desire, what is it that you need to satisfy those feelings? Just some quiet meditation with some music, thinking about what you really what. You make come up with something basic, something complex, something you might be a little nervous saying out loud. Maybe you wanna run a fudge-sicle over your partner's nipples and then eat the fugde-sicle who knows. The point is you should discover that. Next, it sound pretty obvious that you are into emotionally intimacy but its hard to translate that into sex. I think for gay (or questioning) people especially, that's very common. We spend years questioning ourselves, usually not having sex with anyone or experimenting with the wrong gender (and thus not truly feeling the feelings that we are supposed to be feeling when we are doing the things we are doing). Then on TV, we watch people easily slipping into a passionate state of lovemaking. Yet when we find ourselves in that same situation in real life instead of sexy music playing from no where and you and your partner engulfed in a trance of sublime ecstasy, you feel anxious/nervous/awkward/disconnected/unsure/terrified. Spending time in the closet doesn't turn you into an amorous nymph. It takes, time, trust, practice..everyone needs to adjust to it. While all the straight people spend their early teens discovering what comes naturally, we might have spent years in the closet, or again years trying to be with the wrong sex. Yet we still need that same time to learn and be awkward before it comes easily. Being 25 and not knowing this in our society is not uncommon at all, good god, think of the dark days when we didn't have internet and people were far less accepting of gay people in general..finding yourself could be true misery. There's nothing to be ashamed about because you didn't have the opportunities other had and it took more time to find out who you are, as you've undoubtedly heard before we all mature at our own pace. Any partner worth having will be open to discussing it with you, they'll understand and help you. Sex is a lot of fun and in my experience at least, sexual intimacy compliments emotional intimacy and goes a long way towards cementing those emotionally bonds you already enjoy with the right person. I hope that helps you out a little. Good Luck
Hi there. Like you, I like to take it slow when I meet someone. Don't feel pressured into moving too fast, either by your date or by yourself - the speed you want to go at is just as valid as the speed anyone else wants to go at. The way on TV everyone just strips off and has sex five seconds after their first kiss is not reality in my opinion. Personally I think it strengthens a relationship to take things slowly and you can figure out how much respect they have for your boundaries (although I do have friends who started off as one night stands and are now married, so I know it can work - it's just not for me). I think you should tell her it's your first time and that you want to take it slow and then do just that. Only move on to another stage when you feel comfortable and if she moves too fast ask her to stop or slow down. If you're not enjoying it, don't do it, because sex is supposed to be enjoyable, not something you feel obliged to do. Some people aren't into sex at all (asexual) but that's not necessarily you - just take things at your own pace and figure out what you like. ---------- Post added 20th Oct 2013 at 10:10 PM ---------- And I wanted to add, I think it's better to be honest about it being your first time. If that puts her off, then she's not the one for you. But personally, I think most people would be totally cool with it and would even find it flattering that they were going to be your first.
