I need someone to talk to please

Hi, Daniel, and welcome to EC.

First, you aren't alone. There are many, many people here at EC who have been in your position, and countless more who read the site but don't actually post.

I'd also say that I think nearly everyone who is in your position assumes exactly what you assume... that they'll lose everything, no one will love them, and everything will fall to pieces if they come out. The reality, however, is that this is rarely the case.

One of the first suggestions I can make is to get a copy of Joe Kort's wonderful book "Ten Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love". The book has little to do with finding love but everything to do with learning to love and accept yourself. And there is a lot of material in there that helps to address the issues that hetero-married gay men face.

One of the most important take-aways is that, based on Dr. Kort's 25 years of experience as a therapist, in nearly every case, when a husband does finally come out to his wife, after the dust settles, the wife realizes that at some level, she already knew. Maybe not consciously, but from signs and indications, she should have known, often before the wedding, but chose to ignore the signs. So this takes a lot of the pressure off of you.

I'd wager, from what you've said, that this is probably the case with your wife. I wouldn't suggest telling her this but I think when you do eventually tell her, if you keep that awareness in the back of your head, it will make it easier... because she contributed to the problem and it isn't solely on you.

Now as for your family... I think you will probably be surprised. Even among the most conservative, deeply religious families, it is a rarity for the family to disown a gay child. They may get angry, say nasty things, and there may be a period of difficulty, but in nearly every case, probably better than 90%, the family eventually comes around and eventually loves their gay child as much or more than they did before.

This applies equally to families where family members have hurled gay insults or made negative comments... once they realize it is their own flesh and blood, their attitude nearly always changes.

And children aren't born with any biases, so your child, being young, will grow up knowing you for who you are, and if you and your wife raise him to be a loving, respectful child... hel'll love and respect you just as much whether you're gay or straight. Again, the data in the psych literature and the experiences of people here at EC bear that out.

So the first part is learning to love and accept yourself for who you are. Posting here at EC and talking about it is an important first step, and you've already accomplished that. So keep up the conversation, keep talking about what you're feeling, and continue reading the forums.

It may seem insurmountable now, but I promise you that if you stick around here and keep posting, reading, and participating... you'll be feeling much, much better very soon.

This isn't something you need to co

 

Hi there! Welcome to Empty Closets.

It isn't bad at all wanting another guy holding you, and you wanting to live your life. And it does not sound stupid at all. What you are going through, others are going through it as well. You are having real fears about what your future will hold.

As hard as it might seem at the moment, you have already started to work on living your life the way it is meant to be lived. Recognizing that you have feelings for guys, and that needing to be open about yourself are already important steps. Joining EC, and starting to talk about it all, is a another step. (*hug*)

If possible at all, a good place to start would be to enlist the help of a counselor with whom you can talk to, and receive some feedback on different approaches on dealing with the situation you are facing. coming out to your family, and others around you. Another thing you could look into is finding support groups for gay men, and start building your support network before you start coming out to your family and others.

I would also encourage you, and given that you fear you could lose your job, thinking about different employment opportunities. and keeping your options open. Now, if it happens at all, that is of course another question.

Take it one day at a time, and try to build a support network, one which you can rely on first. It is possible that things won't be as bad as you fear they will be. (*hug*)