How did denial and grief manifest for you and how did you deal with them? I think I might be going through the end of denial stage and starting to feel a sense of loss. I thought I was bisexual but now I think I am only bi-romantic and actually lesbian when it comes to sex. I think when it comes to a label I am happy with 'queer'. I have spent a long time obsessing and trying to figure out if I like guys or not, in the past I had ok experiences with them, even many, and was drawn to them emotionally but I still think that a true physical spark was lacking, or well... somehow the emotional was there, and the physical element was happening, but they never really came together, it felt always lacking. (It was happening with women though) I like men, I like being close to them, and yet because of my sexuality it does not really work with them, so that is why I feel sad about it, because in this case I am with a guy that I actually love and where I think my sexuality means I will have to eventually break up with him and I don't know how to do it. It makes us both sad. I move from being extremely pro-gay, in terms of feeling that it is a superior form of loving, because it does not lead to procreation, to feeling sad that even if I wanted to be with a guy I probably could not, because it would at some point feel lacking or wrong. In a way the endless self doubt and questioning kind of delays a situation where I am clear about who I am, because that would mean having to deal with a sense of loss. Does any of it sound familiar? How did the process manifest for you? How did you cope with it?
Since I'm 100% gay, this might not be too relevant to you, but anyhow...Let's see, my sexuality probably went through, maybe five stages: 1) Denial: Of course, denial. I noticed the beauty of boys (mainly in video games and on TV) by about the 5th grade. I was very confused -- mostly about the biological aspects of sexual development -- and didn't really put two and two together, but when I finally did: 2) Bargaining and Self-Hate: This was the lowest point for me. Around the time I started middle school I could finally, in the darkness of my own privacy, say those terrifying words, "I'm gay." So many tears from knowning I'd never be able to marry, so many nightmares of how disappointed my parents would be, and asking God nearly every night to make me straight, it was awful. I became very embittered. 3) Rationalizing: About high school/ late middle school I was becoming a bit more open minded to my own sexuality in regards to my faith, and bought into the, "Love the sinner, hate the sin" belief. This lasted a few years and caused major bouts of depression and loneliness for myself. It was towards here that I read "Washed and Waiting" which caused even more despair for me. 4) Revolution: Towards the end of last school year I was through. I decided to break all the chains and revealed to myself the true beauty of homosexual love. The only thing holding me back at this point was the loneliness that had pervaded my being since birth. At this point I still had much faith towards the religion, but began to question it and became more involved in the gay community via the internet. 5) Coming Out: The latest stage for me happened about three days ago, and it was inexpressible. In terms of my faith, I decided to leave it at that:faith without religion. So to answer your questions: yes it does sound familiar, but, being gay without room to wiggle, I no longer feel the sadness associated with not being compatible with the opposite sex, because I feel satisfied with what I am capable of, not what others are capable of. I do think, however, that prayer was a major help for me, as it provided and continues to provide that silent friend for when I can trust no others.
I liked being in "love". I liked going out and doing things together. I liked being the "adorable couple". Yet deep down I knew it wasn't going anywhere. Sex was very mechanical on my part anyway. Much of the time I relate better to women. I enjoy shopping and gossiping and afternoon tea. Remind myself of Will Truman only bearish. To answer your question I'm still walking through it...somewhere between grief and acceptance.
I didn't have a bi phase. I went from 'celibate' directly to 'homosexual' in less than 6 months. I went through 5 stages of Grief - Denial, anger, bargaining, depression then acceptance. Granted I started out in denial... I actually thought my lack of interest in girls was due to natural celibacy - I got real close to taking priestly vows - and I got a D. min for my convictions. LOL
I sort of always "knew", but it wasn't until I was around 14 that I was old enough to understand what it was I was feeling. Any time I had sexual thoughts about men, I'd avert them and try to think of women sexually instead. It never worked, but I suppose I was lying to myself that it was (denial). I identified as Bi for a few years (but remained in the closet), until it dawned on me that being bisexual requires sexual feelings towards the opposite sex, as well. I lacked those feelings and slowly began accepting I was homosexual. I don't think I ever "grieved", but it's different for everyone I suppose.
I was not willing to accept being gay for a long time and really went back and forth. Because I wasn't willing to go near the ways I felt about some women, I used to get 'crushes' on really nice men (who I could see would be deemed good looking) who I knew. Usually on men who were attached so that I couldn't do anything about it (how convenient!) When I finally hit the crunch moment was when I was kissing a very nice man and feeling not revulsion but definitely not attraction. That was pretty much when (apart from one foolish blip) I realised that for people who are honest about their sexuality (be it straight or gay) there is a difference between thinking that someone is a really nice, good person and actually being attracted to them.
well I was in denial for about 8-10 months, I startled googling things and trying to prove that I wasn't gay/bi. But afterwards, I slowly realised that this is who I am, I am attracted to guys as well and that I need to start accepting it. However it has been an emotional ride. I think venting to a psychologist about problems or just listening to music helped me a lot.
I think there are common stages and I can relate to one degree or another. Stages: 1. Denial 2. Depression/hopelessness 3. Sadness 4. Anger 5. Reconciliation I had a stage where all I would think about was gay this and gay that and I felt proud to be gay.... The reason I felt that way was because after living a miserable homophobic closeted life where I hated myself; I had to counter act this self hatred some how. And I did it by forcing myself to be proud. I think you are doing this. It's hard to go through this when you've been indoctrinated that you must be heterosexual. The fact is that you aren't. One way to feel better is to picture yourself in the future happy with the woman of your dreams. Then reflect on how much better this would be than living a closeted lie. Then give yourself a pat on the back for being honest to yourself and every one around you. All the best!
