Hello everyone this is my first post on these forums I hope you'll like it or at least find it entertaining enough to read through. On a side note, english isn't my native lenguage, hopefully it's good enough. Also I'm not sure 100% this should be posted here but if it shouldn't feel free to move it or let me know and I'll post it somewhere else. Let's start. I consider myself a bisexual and I've had trouble accepting it. I've given the whole issue a lot of thought and this is what I've concluded. Please note these are only my opinions from how I feel and all of the information I've gathered from books and other sources. I'll be expressing my view on sexuality and more particularly on bisexuality. All feedback is greatly appreciated. For the sake of practicality I'm gonna simplify sexual orientation into three distinctive groups: homosexual, heterosexual and bisexual. Out of these three, I think bisexuality is the most complex because unlike all of the bother orientations it is composed of mixed and variant feelings towards the other genders. Heterosexuals for instance have it relatively easy and simple: they like the opposite gender exclusively and they may never even stop to question it. Homosexuals probably have it the hardest because its the complete opposite of the standard orientations but nonetheless it still is relatively simple: they like the same gender exclusively. Bisexuality is commonly believed to be the sum of heterosexuality and homosexuality; I sincerely think that is not the case, bisexuality doesn't mean one is heterosexual as homosexual, it's a little bit more complicated. I've come to realize society in general is pretty ignorant about sexuality and so those that do not fall into one of the most distinctive categories can sometimes have trouble identifying themselves. As an example of what I mean by society being ignorant, the other day I was on YouTube watching one of Davey Wavey's videos and I saw this comment of a person that asked why if homosexuals want to be women they dress like men. This person hopefully wasn't a fully grown adult but rather a kid that's just clueless about the whole thing, regardless, its a use full example to make a point. When I read this comment I started thinking about what had led him to believe that gay men want to be women, and I remembered a TV show that I watched when I was a kid in which one of the characters had lost a bet and has to dress up as a woman and came home to be surprised by his father who (ignorantly) asked him if he was gay. The fact that was a TV show indicates that even a grown man, the writer (and many more people involved in the making of the show) were ignorant enough not to know the difference between gender identity and sexual orientation. It is no wonder then that there is a certain level of confusion among society and it is no surprise that some people have trouble understanding themselves. I think it is because of this general ignorance that we tend to oversimplify sexuality in order to make it more bearable to others that cannot so easily relate. Many gay people say that they've known they are gay since they were little kids. I don't think that's true. In my experience, when one is a small child you don't feel sexual attraction, or emotional attraction for that matter you only feel awkwardness and affection. By that I mean there is no feeling during childhood that remotely resembles in any way whatsoever how you feel sexuality or romantically post puberty. I think that's only an easy way to attempt to validate homosexuality in the eyes of heterosexuals "You've loved ice cream all your life and you don't know why? Well I've liked men all my life and I don't know why" or "I was born this way" as opposed to "There is nothing wrong with it" (input opinion?). In my experience I can say for sure that my sexual orientation was not defined at during my childhood and certainly not at birth. And all of the psychology books I've read seem to agree: you are not born anything other than human. That's not to say you get any choice in the matter, you like what you like, you are who you are and nothing can change that, you don't get to choose it, but its not in your genes, its in your mind. Getting back to topic, as I've said bisexuality is not so simple because its mixed of multiple feelings and it doesn't help at all that society is completely clueless about the whole subject and I think this is the reason why it took me so long to come to the terms with it. In order to answer the question Am I a bisexual, I went through different stages. First I was in blind denial. The question didn't even pop into my mind despite having reasons for it (which I all go into detail later). Second it was just denial, I knew maybe I wasn't quite that straight and some questioning had popped into my mind at a conscious level, but I still wouldn't think much of it, after all I was sure I like women. Then it was fear: shit what am I? There is no way, I don't want to be like this, this is not what I am, I'm just confused. Then I accepted the doubt, "its ok to be different but what am I really"? Then it was disregard: the fuck does it mater? And finally my doubts forced me to try to and define myself. I think what makes it so hard for bisexuals to understand themselves is this cultural belief that bisexuals are homosexual as they are heterosexual. This is not the case. Let me explain myself: attraction towards males is different from attraction towards women. One may have a distinctive primary attraction towards one gender or the other but what makes bisexuality so is not the double instinctive attraction towards two gender but rather the detachment of the physical object of love from the spiritual object of love. That means separating that which you love emotionally from that which you are physically attracted to. At this point I am almost certain any kind of genitalia or sexual act would be good enough to work as a trigger for my physical attraction. Be it male, female, transgender or alien I'm sure I'm into it. However I can't deny that I have an inconvenient (because not having such preference and being equally attracted in every way to both genders would make everything so much simpler) preference towards females, but that doesn't stop me from being sexually turned on by anyone. Emotionally however I do not have that preference at all, I could love anyone regardless of their genitalia. In fact I find myself more commonly drawn to men as I find them more 'stable/rational/reasonable' and they don't tend to have such a bitchy attitude (sorry I don't mean to be rude to anyone that's just how I feel). Usually people say that sexuality is not fixed but is rather a scale in which people fall into. All these being said, I agree that's true but for a different reason than it is believed. Heterosexual and homosexual preferences still puzzle me though, are heterosexual men attracted to some degree to other men? Are homosexuals attracted to the opposite gender in the slightest? For me I think the answer to that last question is yes. When I was still a kid (about 12 or so) my parents bought this new place to which we'd move to at the end of the year and I'd also have to change schools because the one I was currently in was too far away from this new place. I had been to that same school all my life and I had a lot of friends there who I had known all my life and cared about a lot. I was really sad that I had to change schools and go to a new the whole year so at the end of the year I decided to throw a pajama party (I'd thrown many before) for (only) my closest friends and I to say goodbye. The party went down really well and we had a lot of fun. We were all really sad though and I gave each one of them one of the best pokemon cards I had as a gift for them to remember me. Then we started talking about life (one of those crazy pillow talks) and one thing led to another. Eventually (I'm still unsure why, I think out of curiosity) one of my friends started to suck of my other friend's penis and others followed (I don't think I did but I don't have a clear memory of that moment). At the time none of us made much of it. One year later I threw a birthday party and none showed up. Anyway looking back I think that moment really had an effect on me because later in life I had trouble making friends and opening up to people. I've never had any major physical relationship since but I wonder how the whole situation affected my sexual orientation and if other people also've had life experiences or factors that you think might have influenced your sexual orientation? I've thought about this for a long time now and I've concluded that for whatever reason I have a physical and emotional attraction to both females and males which I cannot control and that it works differently for each gender and that is the reason why it was so hard to define in the first place. In the end labels are for others so if you are having trouble defining your orientation just remember you are you and you don't have to explain the world exactly how you feel in one word but if asked 'bisexual' is probably the most flexible label you can use. I apologize for the extension, please give me some feedback, that is the reason I wrote this in the first place. I hope this helped those that were kinda lost to shed some light on their orientation.
