Hi guys, I'm new to this forum, and I joined because I have been very confused and uncomfortable lately about my sexuality. And despite my login name, I am generally very pessimistic (and sarcastic, apparently). I have known I was gay or at least bisexual since I was in junior high school. I am graduating college next semester, and I am starting to get nightmares about coming out. It's really starting to affect my sleep pattern and performance at school. I've been using work and exercise to take my mind off of it, but I slowly feel unmotivated. I'm afraid to even think about life after school. I have not told my parents, and I feel anxious every time they unintentionally project their expectations on my love life, like asking if I have a girlfriend, or offering to save up for my future wedding. I have only told my younger sister, but she insists that it's a phase. And she seemed to be somewhat shocked, and not too supportive. She knows that if I said something, the dynamics in the family would shift and I wouldn't want her to go through that. I feel lost, and I don't think any of my friends suspect anything. I have plans on moving out after I graduate, but I don't have the money. Do you think it's a good idea to come out before I move out or after? And does anyone have advice on dealing with the stress? I know I have been dealing with it since high school and should be used to it by now, but it's starting to feel more and more real. Thanks, guys.
First of all, if it's effecting your daily life, something's got to be done. Have you thought about going to see a therapist? There are many LGBT therapists, or even ones who specialize in queer matters, and that could help a lot. Next, how do you think your family will react? I know that they're hinting at a lot of relationships, but unfortunately, we have sort of a "straight assumed" culture, so they might just be totally oblivious. Have they ever said anything homophobic? You shouldn't be afraid to come out. The people who love you will accept you, and that's that. Ask your sister for more support--sometimes directly bringing up the issue will help. You deserve to find love and be happy, and have support in doing that. Overall, I think that as much advice as I give you, it's up to you to decide what's best--I only know so much about your situation. I highly recommend a therapist, and maybe some courses in stress relief, ie yoga or kickboxing, anything that unwinds you. I hope you have the best of luck, and remember that we're all rooting for you.
Your parents' expectations are what they are because more people are straight than LGBT. Unless they've made it clear that they think LGBT people are condemned to hell, they'll likely be surprised but will come around. If coming out in general is scary for you, you might want to start with friends who are LGBT-supportive or LGBT themselves. That may take some of the nervousness off when you decide you do want to tell your parents. Good luck man--we're here for you
It's always important to consider your own health first. If you think that the stress will become too much for you, you may need to slow your pace down. One of the most important pieces of advice you can give anyone would be to make sure you can do it in your own time. Make sure YOU'RE Ready! I hope everything goes well for you. Make sure to let us know any updates.
Thanks for the advice, and quick replies! I'm going to see if I can find a therapist, or a friend, to talk it out with. And my parents are Chinese immigrants, so I don't expect them to be comfortable with such a different lifestyle at first, but hopefully they will come around.
This is an update since the last time I was on this forum. In the beginning of the year, I came out to my closest friends (through Facebook, and I was a bit tipsy). They called me and we had a deep conversation, and I felt a lot better after that. I finally graduated in May, and since then have told a couple of friends unintentionally. We were drinking, and they were asking if I was dating anyone. And after a few uncomfortable questions, I finally told them. They were shocked at first, but supportive afterwards (alcohol helps). And it gets a bit easier to tell people every time. Thanks for all the help, guys! I haven't told my parents yet, but I'll take it one step at a time.
