Back in the eighth grade (I was 13), I was the kid who dressed in black, critisized everything, and sat in the back. The kid who everybody thought would shoot up the school. I was that kid. I'm not proud of it, I wish I could take it back, change who I was, because it certainly wasn't me. Continuing my story, ever since I told my best friend how I truly felt about her, I started slipping back, into that pattern of black clothes and sarcasm. I could feel myself losing my grip on the matured personality I had now. I even busted out my old jacket for a day. The jacket that I wore all the time, the jacket that (to me, at least) symbolizes chains to the old ways. I don't want to be that way anymore. I'm so much happier now. I don't want to lose that. As soon as I started seeing that pattern developing, I stopped, at least dressing in black. Made my thinking positive, even if the wound on my heart was still bleeding. It was like putting a bandaid over a cut jugular. I don't want to fall into the depression I had last summer. Things keep happening though, I feel like the world wants me to be left in the gutter of low self-esteem, and that's not what I have planned for my life. I figured out things too late, with my best friend, I figured out that the feelings I had for her weren't crush feelings, even though I think she's physically attractive. There has to be more, for me, at least. I realized that I cared for her deeply in a platonic way. Another history lesson, in all of my friendships, I'm the dominant one, the one who takes the lead, introduces themselves first, etc. However, in this friendship, she was the dominant one, she introduced herself first, she took the lead, etc. I was fine with that. It never bothered me for minute. She stuck up for me, when people tried to push me around, literatly or metaphorically. She noticed when I wasn't feeling to good and even reassured me about my fears of my parents splitting up and my mom taking me to California. To do this, all she ever said to me was "you won't, I just know it. You won't" And for whatever reason out there, I believed it. So far, it's true. To try and make some form of an analogy, it was like she was my big sister, even if we're in the same grade and she's only slightly taller than me. In all of my other friendships, I feel like I have to pretend. My band friends, they all hate sports (minus the ones who play sports for the school). I can't sit down and talk baseball or hockey with them. With her, I could, and I could even tell her about the band. She was always interested in my life, like why my parents were seperated. No one else asked those questions. She told me personal things too, stuff I don't think she told anyone else at my school. She trusted me an extreme amount, and I trusted her. I would have trusted her with my life and never once regretted that choice. I guess I feel like I chase everyone I love and care about away. If I had her number, I'd call her, tell her all these things. Like how she could make me smile, even if I felt like shit. How she treated me like a human being, didn't make me feel like a misfit. For example, I'm horribly self-concious about the size of my hands and feet. For a girl, I have big hands and feet. My hands are bigger than every other girl I know, besides the one I've been talking about. Same thing with the size of my feet, her's are bigger. We can joke about it and I can leave that conversation feeling better. She's confusing me though. One moment, we're friends like we used to be, the next moment, she's all distant and weird. And that's the worst part about all of this. She's not very good with the 'touchy-feely' side of emotions. Neither am I, it kills me to talk about how I feel. I gave her my phone number (cell phone and home phone), told her to call/text me over summer break. She hasn't yet, but I'm not upset, not mad, it's too late for that. I just wish I had some kind of answer. She said she would, even looked me in the eye. All I need is a text to know she still cares. Now, I'll focus on our friendship. I have a lot of friends, I'm pretty popular. However, in all of those friendships I have, ours was the one I treasured the most. When I was around her, I felt like I could be a kid (with all the crap with my parents, it aged me, mentally, and I have a hard time being a kid), I felt carefree, and most importantly I felt like I could be myself, no false faces anymore. So I guess what I'm saying is that our friendship is one of those 'once-in-a-lifetime' deals, and I want it back, but she's confusing the holy hell out of me. If you read this, thanks, I know it's long, but I had to get it out. Dancing bananas to all!! (!) (!) (!) (!) (!)
