As the topic implies, yes I am gay. I am male, in my 30s, and yes, I am out to my family and many friends. I have also been in a committed relationship with my partner for the past 10 years and we own a house together. I guess I am still a bit uncomfortable with sharing details of my personal life at work, so none of my coworkers (including my Manager) know that I am gay. This isn't the US, where there are still some states that can legally discriminate based on sexual orientation, but I am also not that naive to believe that everyone here in Canada has liberal views on the subject which would imply that it would never affect professional relationships. At least I don't believe we in Canada are at that point yet. Because of this, I have always kept my personal and professional life separate. I have been a consultant for the federal government for the past 2 years and have had the same Manager during this time. My Manager has been sort of a mentor to me as he has been instrumental to much of my professional development over the recent years, so yes, I can say I owe a lot of my recent success to him. My Manager also runs his own business outside of work, that I have recently begun to work with him on. Lately, I have been considering telling him the truth about this part of me because many recent discussions have come up where he has made the assumption that my partner in life is a female. I can recall the first time it came up (summer of last year) where he asked where my girlfriend worked. Since I had only known him for a short while (We weren't as close as we are now), I didn't correct him (my coworkers were around at the time as well). Ever since then (as we became to know each other well), every once in awhile, the subject comes up again, and now that I do want to correct him, I feel guilty, for not correcting him in the first place. So I have still continued to hide the fact that I am gay and that I have a life partner who is a guy that I'm living with. Many of you reading this, may think that I'm afraid of the fact that he may be homophobic/Christian/etc., but this is not really it. Last year, we had a coworker (he was only on our team for 4-5 months) who was gay and out about it to everyone in the work place. My boss was accepting of it, as I didn't see any negative reactions. Though perhaps I some what believe there is a chance for a homophobic response. There is a guy on our project that we have been working with since January that has recently decided to change his name (to a females name) and start dressing in female clothing. This was even a bit shocking to myself. My boss was REALLY shocked by it and since this happened 2 months ago, I have heard him make a few jokes about it when talking to others. Well, my main problem (well issue) with telling my boss now, is because, I feel that he may pass judgement on me for keeping it from him. He may think I am ashamed of being gay or having a boyfriend. I think he may also have trust issues and may believe I have kept him in the dark about other stuff. I am basically afraid that our relationship will change. I know there is the likely chance that it will just get better, but its the chance that it won't that is making me hesitant on tell him since I have kept it from him for this long. So I guess the reason for this thread is to hear from anyone of you who have been in the same situation as me. What would you do? Would you continue to keep your personal life hidden from your professional life? Think about it from my boss's perspective? How would you feel if you had a close relationship with an employee who has hidden something like this from you for years and all of a sudden told you. Could you handle it? Would you have trust issues with this employee in that perhaps he may have not been truthful about other things in the past? Thanks for reading and for any responses on this topic.
Well, I, personally, don't think that you really need to "come out" to him as anything. You're gay, you're happy, I feel as though putting it into a more elaborate situation could make it seem like a bigger deal than it is. If your boss is accepting of your other gay coworker, and is a good guy, don't be afraid that your relationship will sour. If he ever mentions it again, like asking you about your girlfriend, just politely correct him and move on. If he stops to ask you, just say "Yes, I'm gay," and go on with it.
Agree with poster above--you shouldn't have to "come out." Just refer to your "partner" and use his name and your boss will most assuredly catch on that you are gay without you explicitly stating, "I am gay." I do not think you should have to edit your partner/husband out of your life to appease others; after all, heterosexual people do not have to edit their spouses out of conversations in the workplace, so this is not an issue of mixing personal life in with professional life, in my opinion. I have been in your situation too and I know that if I am not more open about myself it is implying that I am ashamed to others (which I am not ashamed that I am gay and I happy I have a partner/husband), so leaving him out would not be healthy for me or our relationship, doing so will only reinforce to myself and others old ideas that "gays need to hide or be ashamed or be careful what they say and who they say it to."
Yeah you don't have to come out to him. If things are doing great now why change it. You never lied to him because he was the one who automatically assumed it was a girlfriend. Just say partner and you're safe.
Agree with the above posters. The only time where you partner may be revealed is possibly during those Christmas office parties perhaps...mention your partner and mention his name, in passing, as if it was the most normal thing in the world. If he is curious, he will then initiate the conversation. I have a fantastic supervisor, really the best I've ever had, but he too has made comments suggesting he is very uncomfortable with anything less than straight masculinity. Since I have only started working there about 6 months ago, I prefer to keep it quiet, and not having a partner at the moment makes it a bit easier...for now.
Hi GNote. I'm in a similar situation and not quite sure what to do. I apologise in advance if this looks to be hijacking your thread, but I thought it would be worth trying to get all the responses in this one thread. I've been at work for about 10 months now, and the issue of "do you have a girlfriend?" has come up a few times now - not ever in an interrogative context, more just like people wanting to get to know me personally. I've made every lame excuse in the book, but I feel they're starting to sound less plausible ("what you're 24 and you haven't had a girlfriend yet?"). I am starting to think people have caught on, and instead of being able to address it directly, I fear that people are talking about it behind my back - not in any negative way. But being the topic of office gossip is not a nice thing. This here is the key - and it is not unique to work relationships. The undoing of trust, from hiding a secret can be very offensive to people. The difference is that with personal relationships, you might lose a friend - easier to fix; but with work relationships (especially with bosses), you risk damaging your career (or the very least, your current job) - harder to fix, especially if you're 'higher-up' in the chain. I want to tell my boss, as I've seen he is open to gay people. And people are generally liberal-minded at work. My boss once jokingly said "it's fine, you could be gay"; and we've had at least one trans employee and another gay guy, who have been treated just like everyone else. But I feel ashamed to do a 180 and admit I've been misleading about this part of my life. On the other hand, I hate having to hide this part of my life, and once again, am putting up barriers between myself and other people, the thing that I told myself I didn't want to do anymore (and why I wanted to come out in the first place). Spoiler What I've been thinking to do is, at our next one-to-one meeting, say something like: "Can I talk to you about something personal? I wasn't sure how to approach this, which is why I'm only talking to you about this now, and I hope this doesn't change our working relationship, but I have something to say..."
