Lately I have been thinking long and hard about my life and trying to piece the puzzle of my romantic life together. I have noticed my attraction to men has somewhat diminished and I while I think I do find some men very attractive and I like the attention, I am either picky about who I want to do more with intimately and I have a LOT of trust issues around men. I sometimes find it hard to build relationships with men because I don't like the overhanging sexual tension, sometimes I thrive on it. I have dated very nice guys in the past who were all lovely but the guys I dated I was never attracted to them. I was however attracted to the guys who were jerks, unavailable emotionally and the womanisers. I also have great friendships with gay men, and can have great relationships with men once there is no threat of sexual tension. Right now I am dating two guys, one is a nice guy who is lovely, but I don't find him attractive. The other is so strikingly handsome but he only sees me as sex, yet I want to be in a relationship with the latter. Sexually however I have been having difficulty reaching climax with both. The nice guy made me squirt (sorry to be graphic) and the sexy guy never has, but I like penetrative sex with him. And I have only had these problems with guys within the last few months... Recently I have been questioning everything because I feel like my whole life I was conditioned to be straight. I do believe that I genuinely have had crushes on guys growing up, like aladdin and david Bowie in the labyrinth, and ezra miller, but these were all really intense and obsessive. And I even crushed on video game characters, and people in real life too. Sometimes I will walk down the street and be wowed by some guys beauty, sometimes I will see an old flame and get butterflies in my stomach. But when I fantasize Sexually about being with a man I can't do it. Whereas I find it easier to fantasize Sexually about women, and I'm not sure if that is because I preferenced lesbian porn and I am more exposed to that and very inexperienced with men Sexually or because I am actually gay. I did have a "I want to be daddy's lottle proncess" complex and still do, because I always felt like I wasn't because growing up I was a bit weird, (skateboarding phase, goth phase, normal/girlyish). I never considered the way I look at women as anythig other than comparison to myself until I came onto this forum. I am more drawn to them and it does seem more natural, and I can easily chat to women over men. I can appreciate that women in general are fairer, or at least make more of an effort, I never really thought of women in real life as sexual. Even when I watched lesbian porn it was more about the act than the actual women(watched gay porn too and weird shit...but I've stopped with porn all together). But I can't seem to get wet anymore with guys, and I really want to, or at least I think I do, when I remember being with the sexy guy, I do get turned on. But when I think of lesbians that is hotter. But I am not comfortable being with a woman physically. Yet. And when I think of the intimacy with men, I love tge idea of it and it feels instinctively right, but my female friendships are all very naturally intimate too, and I am not so adversed anymore to the idea of maybe having a relationship with a female friend. I can see several paths for my future, both sexes could be in my future. But I am not sure which is genuine or forced fairytale. I kind of wish that I just never had to discover this. I think I truly understand what is meant by "we don't choose to be this way" because I feel like I am "choosing" to be straight. I am not sure what I am, whether it is bi, gay, straight or whatever. As much as I didn't like the ignorance there was some bliss in it wasn't there? Sorry for rambling....writing here makes me feel better...
Hi there, First of all: Please don't apologize! In my opinion, it takes a great deal of strength and courage to share your inner feelings like this. I learnt much from your 'ramble', so I feel grateful you took the time to write it. This is the place where you're allowed to ramble to your heart's content, OK? Secondly, I think that I've heard accounts similar to your story. I have seen females I know, both close and distant, fall for...douchebags and they really don't understand it. After the thrill, they often feel bad or unhappy. There's this whole 'bad guys are more exciting and exhilarating' thing, but I'm not sure how much credence I put in that personally. I remember reading somewhere that women might like 'bad guys' because they represent strength, and strong genes, but when it comes to someone to form a long-term relationship with, they'd prefer someone nicer and safer - to help nurture a child or whatever. I dunno if any of this is true or not. I'd advise you to look into it yourself. Knowledge is only a good thing regardless of it you find the answer there or not. This is a bit critical, and opinionated, but I'd like to share my thoughts anyway: There's a huge problem with how men treat and see women in general, especially in Western culture. Women are reduced to nothing but sexual objects, by everyone. Look around at adverts. Sex, specifically beautiful women, are used to sell EVERYTHING. Where I live, a computer shop has the mascot of a busty blue CG woman. At the shop once, they had a naked woman painted totally blue walking around the shop as a mascot. (Don't ask, some aspects of Europe are just utterly bizarre...) I'd be the first one to ask, how the heck can you use sex to sell graphics cards and USB cables? But...they found a way, clearly. And sure enough, there was a rag-tag band of teenage lads following her around and ogling her. What can you expect? Whatever it is, the fact remains that women are sadly seen as sexual objects by many men - whether they choose to admit this or not. And I've seen this attitude amongst some of my straight male friends too. They are loyal, kind and honourable to me. They will defend me behind my back, and take care of me when I'm down. But when it comes to women, they behave completely differently. The only way I can personally explain this disparity is by analysing the society in which they grew up in...and yeah, women are FAR from free or equal even in the western hemisphere. There's no pressure on me to wear or do anything when I go out. Yet how many girls have you met who are too afraid to go to the local shops without their 'face' on? It sounds like doom and gloom, but I'd like to draw attention to the fact that I said, 'some' of my straight male friends are like this. To say all straight men are like this would be a gross generalization and also, just untrue. I'm not saying stick with the nice guys you don't find attractive. That's equally nonsense. If there's no attraction there, then I don't see how there can be any relationship of a romantic or sexual nature. I don't think I'm being shallow for recognizing that physical attraction and chemistry are important things in a relationship. Regarding orientation, I am fast learning that it's not black, white or even grey. You can't instantly know, unfortunately. There's no way you *should* be, so don't worry about being confused too much. From what I've seen, it seems very natural. My advice to you, would be to try and meet 'people'. And meet them just as that. 'People'. Not specifically meeting men or women, but meeting a 'person'. Get to know them and get to know yourself, and don't pressure yourself for an answer. It sounds like you don't want to 'choose' what you are...so don't! Perhaps for you it is something which must be discovered rather than opted for. That's how life can be with a lot of things. I don't mean to trivialise the issue, but as a guitarist it's the same. I thought I'd choose my guitar. I thought that I'd go for a Les Paul. But then I chose to try out a random guitar that caught my eye. A beautiful jet black beast, sleek, warm, graceful, powerful , emotional. It felt like playing melting butter, and my fingers just danced of their own accord like it was the most natural thing in the world. And I was totally and utterly smitten. I feel very much like I didn't have a choice in the matter after that. Hehe. It's a trivial example, but I think there's some wisdom to be had there. I really think that you don't have to have a disparity between someone who sets your passion on fire, and someone who can be an emotional rock to you. Indeed, in my best relationships, the person in question has been not only my fantasy, but my best friend too. Don't rush it. Take the journey slow and steady. And most of all, don't judge or be angry/frustrated with yourself. All the best
I understand this! This is exactly how I felt when I first starting to question my sexuality. I often still wish that I never "discovered" it either. It has not brought me happiness. I have been genuinely in live with both a man and then later a woman. I am truly bisexual. I have always been monogamous to my partner if either gender. Though recently I've become very attracted to my married female co-worker. Though it could have just as easily been a married male. Hang in there and keep rambling. That's why we are all here. It helps to ramble or identify with someone else's rambling.
I'd say there's no rush to know & there isn't handy labels that work for everyone which is why you end up with some people inventing there own like 'homoromantic pansexual' & sexuality can be fluid as well. For me I find that sometime I prefer being with men & other times in my life I prefer being with women. Although I find women more attractive sexually, I tend to prefer hetero-relationships & it's usually the personality in the men that I stay with that is what I'm attracted to rather than their gender. Basically just experiment. See what you like & don't over think it. There's no one right answer, most people don't fit into convenient pigeon holes. Get it straight in your head (no pun intended) & call it something new if you like, the rest will follow after that.
