I honestly don't even know where to start. Since I finished high school about 3 years ago (and perhaps the final year of school I can't remember) I've had a pretty constant thought that I'm probably gay. It's always been on my mind and it's basically the first and last thing on my mind every day for over 3 years now. A bit about me: I'm pretty well liked, decent job, very good friends who I guess where the "popular" group in school if that makes sense. I keep to myself mostly (as in I don't share much about whats going on with me I'd much rather help others and just push through whatever I'm going through). I'm OK socially in groups but 1 on 1 I'm not great. The few years after school I would avoid going out and that kind of made me lose a bit of contact with my friends, however, in the last few months I've really gotten into going clubbing and drinking etc and I've learned a lot about myself and I've been becoming really close with one of my guy friends (I may have a crush on him? which is weird for me to say in my head and write out here) I mostly avoided going out because of the implied pressure to hook up with makes me feel really uncomfortable, sparking up any sort of conversation with strangers is really not my thing. I always go through phases where I'm like yes I'm definitely gay and then I'll wake up and convince myself I'm not. Despite the fact that I know I'm definitely at least more attracted to men (i.e fantasizing and porn). I know that I'm at least definitely Bi. I know that there will literally be no issue with me being gay in terms of parents and friends etc. I have a gay friend (so all my friends are accepting) and my workplace has at least 40% (estimate but it would seriously be close to that) of the male members being gay. My dad's girlfriend's best friends are a gay couple so no issues there and I'm sure my mum would be supportive. A few weeks ago I went out for a friends 21st and I was drunk and for some unknown reason I decided to tell 3 friends that I thought I was probably gay. They supported me and said that they didn't care etc, but I have pretty much tried to avoid anything to do with it since and It makes me feel sick thinking about our conversation (as in nervous sick). I guess the point of all this is basically I need help to accept my self? I know that its probably not any kind of phase as its been going on too long. I am sick of thinking about it day in and day out and just want to be free but I just don't think I can bring myself to admit it to myself. I haven't cried in years but recently I've been thinking about it so much I almost want to cry. My thanks to those that get this far, I just needed to vent quite a bit.
I don't identify you as gay, or bi, or straight. I identify you as Tom. (Can we pretend that's your real name?) And, honestly, I think you should too mate. It's a scary and terrifying journey - don't beat yourself up over it. Just give yourself time and accept who you are. Not all straight men like the same thing. Not all gay men like the same thing. You like what you like, and as long as you're not hurting anyone, that's fine. There's so much stigma attached to it. Those who hate it, those who feel the urge to ram it down throats. I understand that you want to belong and want to understand. Both perfectly natural. But, life is complex. Give yourself time, and be yourself. That's all mate It sounds like people around you are being supportive - or at least not hostile. But you said it, not me. You need help to accept yourself. You may or may not be gay. I don't really care. You're Tom and I have no reason to want you to suffer anymore. That I do care about.
I feel you on this one. The people in your life are already showing that they accept you, but accepting yourself first is the most important part. Your sexual orientation, whatever it may be, is a part of you, but you can choose to make it as big or small a part of your identity as you want. Having taken a lot of time wrestling with self-acceptance myself, I know one or two posts may not make a difference. It takes time and space. Give yourself that time and space, and know that I and the rest of us here are happy to be there for you in this process in any way we can.
Hi Tom! If you look at the declaratives in what you wrote above, you have already told your friends you are gay, you have essentially told US that you are gay, at times you are completely convinced you are gay, and that nobody of importance to you (family, friends, coworkers) has any problem with it but YOU, which is understandable, because it is or can be an important thing about how you feel about yourself. At your age, and being (thankfully) unmarried, you are at the point where you can liberate yourself from the angst of hiding in the closet by accepting what you already know is true, and suffer minimal consequences or stigma, because you are not in a threatening environment and your friends already know and don't care. Your only real hangup seems to be looking in the mirror and saying "I am a gay man, and it is OK" to yourself. Nobody here is going to "label" you as gay; you can leave your status as Questioning if you feel more comfortable about that, but in all honesty, you don't seem to be questioning, you seem to be confirming that you are gay by what you are saying to your friends and doing. It doesn't matter; it's OK to be gay and out here, with your friends, and with your family. It is not OK to stay sad, in pain, and on the verge of crying day in and day out to the point of making yourself sick about this. You are FREE to make yourself well any time you are ready. If you don't feel ready to say "I am gay" to yourself yet, then don't do it; a lot of gay people seem to stop at "I am Bi" because they don't want to admit to themselves what they would rather not be feeling and accept it totally. But there is a catch, which is that you are probably going to keep feeling the conflict with yourself until you are able to say what deep in your heart you know is true. Start by saying "I am gay" to a mirror softly. Yell it out in your car when no one can hear you. Do this repeatedly until you no longer feel uncomfortable hearing it said out loud and saying those words about yourself. Then go tell it to the people in your family who love you, and let them shower you with the love you deserve for being honest with them and yourself. On your time line; when you are ready, hopefully sooner rather than later, so you can begin enjoying your new boyfriend you have a crush on.
