Hi, I'm Max. I'm 17 years old and I'm "in the closet" right now, as I have been for the past three years. I want to be able to tell the people I care about in my life such as my friends and family, but I'm fairly scared. Some of my friends would probably be ok with me being gay, but a lot wouldn't. There are only a couple of gay people at my school and they tend to get bullied a lot. My family is extremely religious and I know that they are intolerant of the gay community. I'm just not sure what they would do if I came out to them. They have frequently told me that gay people are confused and that being gay is a sin. They have also gone so far as to say that if I were to go to a college that supports gays or is mainly liberal they wouldn't help me pay for college. Honestly, I'm kind of worried that they might kick me out of the house and cut off contact with me. So basically, I'm just not sure what I should do. I was kind of thinking that I might try coming out when I go off to college in a year (I'm planning on attending out of state so I would be a good distance away), but I'm not sure if that is the best time or not. I feel like it would be the right time in a lot of ways since it would be a fresh start in a new area, however, I'm worried about being on my own and then being completely cut off with no support from my family. I mean, I guess I could wait until a few years into college or maybe even later, but I'm kind of tired of not being able to be myself. I don't know, what do you guys think?
Hey Max. I know it's hard. I know what it feels like, too. My family are very homophobic and I don't think I'm ready to come out to them either. But this is about you, not me. I think that the best way forward would be to first come out to friends you can trust; ones that you know will be supportive of you and will keep it a secret for you. You wouldn't want the wrong people finding out yet. It may make you feel better to tell someone. So maybe a close, trustworthy friend is the best option? Hope this helps.
Thanks for the advice, to be honest though I'm just not sure who to tell. I'm just kind of worried that someone else would find out somehow... I don't know I guess that's just fear talking, but I mean, there would be pretty severe consequences if it got around to family or even most of the people at school. :icon_sad:
Hi Max! I'm terribly sorry that you're in this situation. I have to agree with Lucky on this one. I think you should tell one of your friends. As a general guideline, girls are usually the easiest to tell. You can always gauge their support or intolerance of gay rights by bringing up like LGBT news. I know the feeling of fear of people talking. I told a couple of my best friends, and although deep down I knew my friends would be quiet, I decided to tell my parents. I wasn't expecting a very warm reaction, but they still love me (actually, they "love me more" now), so you never know! Parents' views can change if it is their own child. Feel free to talk to me whenever! I love having a conversation with a new friend!
I don't really have a lot of experience with this, considering that I'm barely out myself, but I agree with the others. If you have a gut feeling that some of your friends would be ok with it, you should tell them/one of them. They might surprise you with how they react (in a good way). My friend wasn't obviously ok with gay people, but I took a chance and she took it well. She even puts up with the 'awe, I think they like each other' stuff, when it would be so much easier to just tell them that I'm gay. Good luch with whatever you decide to do
Max, In the situation you describe, it doesn't sound like you have a safe environment to come out publicly, and some rather explicit warnings from your parents that they don't want you to come out as gay, now or while you are in college. The definition of that is "homophobic". It is hostile and ignorant, but it is not that unusual in the state where you live, particularly outside of large cities. If you are 17 now, you don't have much longer to go before you will be off to college and make new friends, whether the college is "homophobic" or not. There aren't many that are, maybe a few of the ultra-religious based ones, but not any general mainstream universities have such arcane and out-of-date policies about homosexuality. I would recommend that you date Mr Right (or Mr Left) until you are out of this hostile environment, and reinvent your public personality to match your private one when you arrive at your new out-of-state residential university. You are much less likely to be accidentally "outed" when you are out of sight and out of mind, and spending time with new, more gay-friendly people who don't know your parents, than you are in the town where you now live. In a gay-unfriendly high school, rumors are likely to spread quickly if someone accidentally makes a careless comment at the wrong time, and the chances are pretty good that the word would spread back to your parents. Since they are already telling you what they feel about homosexuality, and it is negative, that shifts the odds towards the "bad result" probability and away from the "they will come around because they love you" outcome. Might work out, might not. But, with the finish line in sight, why risk it for a few months of possible pleasure November -- May. Just my 2 cents and the reasoning behind it. Good luck doing whatever you decide is best for you.
I agree with Yossarian. That is not a safe environment for you to come out. Wait until you are in college. I know it sucks not being able to be yourself, but for your own safety and well-being, you should probably stay in the closet for now. Hang in there buddy.
Hey max, being from a conservative part of Texas I can relate to what you are going through. I would say stick it out until you are most comfortable with any outcome that may arise. I am not saying this to keep your parents happy or to make sure your college is funded, I am saying this because I come from a small town where everyone knows everything about everyone and there is no such thing as a secret among friends. There were plenty of people at my school who were out, but I could not fathom the idea of going through what they were going through. I come from a southern baptist family so i understand the religious intolerance aspect as well. I have only confirmed my sexual orientation to a few friends I feel comfortable with. None of my family knows yet, not even my twin. It has to be right for you, and the outcome of being "out" versus "in the closet" may be very different from each other. Which would you prefer? Do you know exactly how others will treat you? Do you care that much anyway? Are you willing to possibly sever ties with your family? There is no way to ultimately win in any situation, you will always lose something. Its the impact of what you lose and how you take it that really matters.
Thanks for all the feedback and support everyone, it really means a lot! In response to gingerincloset, Your situation seems to be very similar to mine, except that I live in a rather large city. You raise some good questions. I would prefer to be out, but there seems to be too many potential consequences right now. I don't know exactly how others would treat me since everybody is different, but I know that there would definitely be a lot of hate towards me from school. Maybe my friends would be able to accept me, but I don't think many others would be able to do so. With regards to the question of if I'm willing to sever ties with my family, well, I would prefer not to but I know that I probably will have to at some point. Also, what do you guys think about being forced to go to church? As I've said I'm 17 and I'm still forced by my parents to go to church. They know I don't like going, but I haven't told them why for obvious reasons. Does anybody know if it's actually legal to force children to go to church? I mean, I've been just kind of going a long with it, but I've been starting to get more and more angry on Sundays because there's like a 75% chance that either the pastor or one of the youth leaders is going to start ranting about how homosexuality is a sin and it's becoming increasingly harder to hide my frustration. Any advice on this situation would be greatly appreciated.
I have a hard time relating with your situation, as I've only had a few experiences with radical homophobia, but my suggestion would be to start with someone you trust who you think would take it well. It's always good to start with something easy. It sounds like this might be difficult in your school, however, so I would wait until a LGBT-friendly person whom you can trust with a secret comes along. As far as church goes, I would wait until you're 18 to do something. In the meantime, maybe start asking your parents or pastor about why homosexuality is so bad, and why, apparently, Jesus doesn't want you to accept them. I would try to point out, without being too inflammatory, the hypocrisy of that belief. Try to make it sound like innocent curiosity, though. However, you know your situation better than I do, so if you think that would be a dangerous thing to do, don't do it.
I've been giving it some thought and I think I might know someone that I might be able to come out to, but I'd like a little bit of some advice on it before hand. So basically, I've got this really good friend that I met on xbox like 6 months ago. We also began to skype video chat a lot and we still talk a lot. Since then I've become really good friends with him and we actually became teammates. We both play this particular online game competitively at tournaments for cash so yeah... kind of nerdy I know but that's not the point. Anyway, the topic of homosexuality came up because one of my other teammates asked me if I was gay (that was actually the first time anybody had asked me so I kind of panicked because I wasn't prepared and said no) and the first teammate mentioned that he wouldn't care if I was gay or not. So I was kind of thinking that maybe I could come out to him. I mean, I trust him, but I'm a little worried about telling him since this is only an online friendship at the moment. I don't know, what do you guys think, should I tell him?
In my opinion, this online friend of yours actually seems like a pretty good friend to come out to. They already seem like they'd be fine with it, and even if they aren't what is the worst that could happen? Is there any way that this person knowing could lead to people in your community knowing? I know that it's really tough figuring out who to come out to, especially the first time you come out to anyone. I was so nervous, I couldn't even come out face to face. I had to send emails to a lot of my friends. Thus far everything has worked out for me, but I haven't come out to most of my family for the same reason as you: my family is majority homophobic. Even though you are probably scared of the consequences, I feel like you should just go for it. Chances are this friend will be cool with it, and you will feel so much better afterwards. At least, that's how it worked for me. I hope this has helped you! Best of wishes.
Well, all of us have yt accounts and twitter accounts and I could see them possibly spreading it to the point of people finding out in my community, however, I don't think they would, even if they didn't like that I'm gay. I think they would at least keep it private. I mean, they are all pretty good guys and I don't think they would be cruel enough to attempt to spread it around. It's possible that the other two teammates may not be happy about it and might want to kick me off the team if they find out, but for now I'm just thinking about telling the one teammate.
If they've said that they're ok with you being gay, they might be the best people to come out to first. If you're worried about them spilling the beans to other people, just say when you tell them that it stays between y'all and doesn't get talked about where other people can see it
Ok, I think I'm going to tell him. I'm not sure if I'll get the chance today but I should definitely have had a chance by the end of tomorrow. I'll let you guys know how it goes. Wish me luck, I'm going to need it...
So I told him about 30 min ago... I guess he took it alright. It was kind of awkward but he seemed fairly cool with it. He basically told me as long as I don't try to do anything with him then he's fine with it (which I completely understand). He just couldn't believe it since I have a deep voice and don't really dress flamboyantly. It felt really good to finally let someone know though. A lot of mixed feelings, but overall I'm pretty happy about it.
