Okay, I get on really well with both my parents, we are very close and they constantly tell me I can talk to them about anything. I think they would probably accept me if I came out to them, but I'm not 100% sure about that, and I don't think I could deal with them reacting badly. It has hurt so much to lose a close friendship, let alone the feeling of acceptance from parents. I don't think they would be too bad, just dissappointed and I would probably have to put up with hundreds of comments about how my mother is totally fine with the fact I'm gay, but would far rather I was straight?? So is it okay to not tell them untill I move out, in two years just to prevent the feeling I am not the daughter they wanted.. which is how I feel sometimes?? I just feel guilty that they have no idea about all of this, and I am hiding so much from them. They have also been really getting on my nerves recently and I am being increasingly short tempered with them, which I also feel bad about. Having to hide this part of me is getting harder and harder. Yet I am petrified of coming out. I hate the fact I am finding it so hard, why is it such a big deal?? But I have finally realised that I do actually need some support, depite the fact I feel weak looking for it. EC has been really helpful, and I have a few people from EC that I can talk to, but in real life, despite trying I am yet to find what I am looking for. And I am sorry that I keep offloading all this on you, but none of my friends are able to help and you guys are the only ones who will listen and understand For example yesterday I had a really bad day and I felt a bit shit. I really just wanted to chat but I couldn't because in order for someone to understand why and what I was feeling they would have to know I'm gay. I tried talking to one of the few people I have told. I said I was feeling rubbish and she basically told me "don't say that, you'll make me feel depressed," then stopped talking to me. The only understanding person I have found is one of my teachers who is AMAZING, but I feel like I cannot rely upon her, and expect her to support me, that just isn't fair. I just don't understand why the fact I think girls are pretty and boys aren't is so hard to "deal" with. I find it quite difficult to open up as it is without when I do finally manage it being told I need to find someone else who "understands." Okay, so main questions - Is is okay not telling my parents and how can I get on better with them without actually telling them?? Should I try to talk to my teacher about it all again?? Why the hell am I finding it all so hard?? Is it okay to want someone to be there for you.. and how do you find someone who will support you!! I don't want you all to think I'm really down and depressed, as I'm not, but I am finding the situation I am in at the moment quite hard and stressful and could do with some more support, but I feel guilty about expecting this, but I do need it, but I don't want to need it?? :eusa_doh: I wish I could start enjoying myself without the confusion and feel as if I am living life again, not just surviving it which is the best way to describe how I feel at the moment. So there we go, it probably makes little sense and thanks for reading love to you all xxxx.
You're stressed out, mostly because you FEEL like you're obligated to come out to your parents right now. You're not, however, your sexuality is just that, yours. You choose who knows, you choose who doesn't know, and you choose when they find out. Sorry to use a cliche here but, the power is in your hands. I'll repeat, and put it in bold you don't have to tell them right now. Wait until YOU feel the time is right I can relate to you, my mom is perfectly fine with my sexuality, but I think she would rather see me straight than lusting after my female friends. I think all gay/bi/trans people feel that way, that they are letting down their parents for being themselves. No one should feel that way and no parent should make their child feel that way, it's just wrong. Your teacher is there for you right? Then go talk to her, get support, you need support from someone in your real life, EC is very helpful, but we're not as helpful as a trusted adult. So, talk to her, get help from her. Tips for getting along with your parents better. One, if you feel like crap because of all this confusion, go outside, do some physical exercise, play a sport. It'll help relieve the stress. Two, if they're asking you about guys, just be honest (well, halfway honest), tell them you haven't found any you're interested in. It's natural to feel bad, for not telling them the truth. Parents (well, most of them) have some hidden power that makes their kids feel guilty when they lie. Even though I believe in telling the truth, sometimes lying is better, just because you don't want to have to deal with all of the comments, the angry looks, etc. Sometimes you have to choose, a bullet to the chest or a knife to the back, if I may make some form of an analogy. Good luck on all of this. :hug: Oh, and feel free to PM me anytime if you're having trouble. Sometimes I'm not on because of the parental unit known as mom, but I'll help you the best I can.
Hi there! No worries about offloading on EC. This is what we are here for. Coming out to parents is a difficult thing. It is not easy. I think we all would be happy indeed if it would be easy. I'm in a similar situation as you. I'm finding it hard as well and I'm somewhat stressed out about not being able to tell my parents given that I don't know how they will react and what they will think. I'm lying to them as well but I'm trying not to think about it in these terms. I'm started seeing it as "delaying the truth for a little while." Usually when my parents ask if I plan to have a girlfriend I always tell them, I haven't found one yet or I'm too busy to look for one right now. So far it has always worked. At least, and as Trumpetplyer23 said, I'm somewhat honest with them. The main thing to keep in mind though is that it is okay if you don't tell them yet. As Trumpetplyer23 said, there is no rush on coming out to your parents. Wait until the time is right and you are comfortable with it. Just be yourself and behave as you normally would. If you feel a bit overwhelmed, go for a walk or do something that you like doing to help you to focus on something else. Talking to others about will definitely help. f you trust your teacher, I think you could confide in her and talk to her about it. It might also be good if you would talk with a counselor at your school or outside of school, who can also give you advice and support and help you in figuring out how you could approach your parents. Hope this helps.
As I was reading this I thought you were telling my story. Or at least part of it. I've come out to almost everybody, except my parents. I'm not sure why because I'm fairly sure that they would be ok with it, even if it wasn't what they wanted. I just haven't felt that there has been a good time to let them know. But I believe that the time will come, and I'll know when that is. Like you, I have a teacher that I can confide in. She helped me in so many ways and I owe her a lot. And she always told me that whenever there was a problem, new or old, big or small, I could always come talk to her. I don't know your teacher, but great teachers tend to think alike. I think the thing that helped me most in struggling through hard time was having someone to talk to. Be it EC or a teacher or a friend, someone who you can trust to listen and support you. Its kind of surprising how much talking can just lighten the load.
OK, let me jump in here with the 'parent's' view of things. Every parent has an image of their child just as every child has an image of their parents, as you grow older you will see your parents for the people they are behind 'mum' or 'dad' some of this will please you some of it won't, everyone has done things they regret in their lives, this is also true for parents, as the child becomes the adult they are meant to be some aspects of your life will please your parents others maybe less but this is your life and you must live it for yourself, not to please your parents. When a parent says 'I love you whatever your sexuality but I would have prefered for you to be straight' this is not a show of disappointment in the child just a simple statement of fact that had you been straight most of what you are going through now and many problems of prejudice would have been avoided. Life and relationships are hard enough when you are straight, the difficulties are muliplied ten fold when you are homosexual. As the role of parents is to protect their kids you can't blame them for wanting them to spare you from heartache and pain. This was one of my biggest problems when my son told me he was gay, I felt helpless to protect him from the pitfalls ahead of him. My son is very happy with his sexuality but it is difficult for him to find a b/f, he suffers abuse from homophobes, his relationship with old friends has suffered because he can't rely on them like before because they don't understand what it is like to be gay, etc. Given the choice yes I would have prefered him to be straight but I am not disappointed in him, I am proud of him for accepting himself for who he is, I don't love him any less, on the contrary this has bought us closer, I worry a bit more about him but then that's what parents do. Don't decide ahead of times how your parents will react or if they will be disappointed. They love you homosexual or not. Read the sticky post on greif it gives a good insight to what parents go through. These are all normal reactions and nothing to do with you presonally. Your parents will be proud of you and all that you have gone though and your maturity and honesty to them. Whatever you decide, good luck. :icon_bigg
I'm glad to see from your other post that you came out to your friend, who's bi, which hopefully will give you someone to talk to where you are, so that you don't feel as isolated as you do now. And no, it's not strange to want to have someone to talk to - it's why we're all here!! You sound very isolated, and to me your frustration sounds very, very justified, so don't ever worry about sounding like you're moaning or anything . I don't think that there is any rush to come out to your parents. But I do understand that feeling that you ought to come out to them, and perhaps also, that you are not respecting them by coming out? I feel a bit like this, especially as I think that that ultimately they will be supportive, if a little shocked or initially disappointed at first. But you know what? I bet your parents didn't tell their parents about everything they did and thought and did when they were your age. One way I think about it is this: I don't ever actually discuss straight-crushes with my parents, and never have, and neither do any of my friends with their parents: therefore, how is not telling them that I have a crush on another woman not sharing information with them? I don't know if you can see at all what I'm getting at, but I think that most parents assume - or know - that their child does not tell them everything. Whilst openness is obviously something to be desired, I don't actually think that complete honesty and openness is the norm, or at least to the same extent as between say, friends of the same of the age. I think that what I'm trying to say, is that you shouldn't feel guilty for not telling your parents. I am sure that when you do tell them, they will understand why you didn't say so earlier. Don't add feelings of guilt about not coming out to what you already feel. Not only is there no reason for it, but by feeling that you ought to come out to them, you are putting yourself into a position of "damned if you do and damned if you don't", which can only make you feel worse and more worried. I would also say that if you ultimately think that your parents would be supportive, then coming out to them may be the best way of getting the support that you're currently lacking from friends (I realise that this is a bit big coming from me who's not out, but do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do! ). That said, the repercussions of a bad reaction (however mild) from parents can be so big that I would recommend trying, if you can, to get at least a few friends around you first. I mean, only you know ultimately, but if they would be supportive, and you can envision yourself having a good relationship with them post-coming out, they may be able to help you where your friends can't. I remember getting really annoyed at my parents (and I still do when I see them) - I think this is normal, and actually, I think that whilst your anxiety about your sexuality obviously really doesn't help, I think that there is always *something* that makes the relationship tense between parents and children when they're teenagers and young adults. I would just recommend keeping out of their way as much as you can, and not saying doing anything stupid in anger. Mine drove me mad (and me them probably) from about 14 to 19. I don't think this helped much, but I hope you're feeling less isolated now with your friend. But don't think you have to tell your parents just yet - it is permissible to wait until sixth-form is over, say (or even later) - but if you think that they could become your biggest supporters, it could be a wise thing to do. But just don't let a misplaced feeling of guilt make you come out to them before you are ready.
Hey, seriously thanks all of you, I appreciate you all so much I think really alot of all this is my own fault. I reflect my fears onto other people, so even when I am pretty sure they will be supportive, I still think of the worst case senarios and worry about them. This is one of the biggest problems I seem to have with some of the people I am out to already or who I am thinking of telling - I feel that I cannot read their true reaction so automatically feel they have a problem with it. Or with people I know I can't help but think "What would they think if they knew?" I know its all really rediculous, but I suppose deep down, although I have accepted my sexuality, a part of me still doens't like it, although a larger part is happier than it has ever been. Sorry for asking so many questions, but do you have any ideas on how to start liking or becoming more comfortable with it and myself (if that makes sense)?? It's just all this coming out and being open is still quite new, and scary and I still don't feel like I know how to go about it.. it's just confusing!! But anyway thanks so such
I think the becoming comfortable with it for yourself just comes with time. As you have more time to accept and think of your sexuality the more comfortable you become with it. Which is why when you come out to people it may take them a little time to become used to it. Time.
