Lost

So, before I start my story... please be kind... honestly I don't know how much more pain I can handle.

So, Hi. I am 29... I have three kids from my first marriage (we had nothing in common, I was VERY young when we got together and he was a very very bad person).. anyhow.. at age 18 I got married to him... Why... I don't really know other than I thought I was leading a normal every day life... at 14 I realized I liked girls.... A LOT. I had always "dated" boys but it always felt weird... I finally found a girl I liked and WOW... every thing changed. I tried to date her... however, she had a bf and so did I ... she wasnt willing to leave him... a year later a meet another girl... I dated her for a while... she cheated with a guy and broke it off... so.. frustrated dated a few more guys. One of those guys is my current husband.... anyhow... that year is a crazy mess and HE ended up with HER for a few years after I had dated them both... during this whole mess I remained friends with that girl... however, the intolerance of the school got to be too much. We were hauled into the office and told they were going to call our parents and tell them we were gay. After that... my world got even more crazy. I had enough and switched schools. I tried dating yet another guy.. the lasted all of a month before I couldn't take it anymore... I broke up with him and ended up with another girl.... I dated her for a little bit but, got worried about people I wasn't close to or my family finding out and broke it off despite the fact that I really liked her (she and I are good friends to this day)... anyhow... the following year... there was another girl I really liked... I however am very very shy in person and have a hard time orally telling people how I feel. I wrote her a note and explained... she seemed interested but, wouldn't talk to me when anyone else was around (she was very out btw) and she wanted me to TELL her why I liked her... I couldn't do it orally because I was too shy... that all fell apart and I gave up trying to find a girlfriend... I got in contact with a boy I knew when I was 13 (my best friends cousin) I was 17 at the time... he ended up being my first husband... A month after my 18th birthday... I married him even though I didn't really like him and he obviously didn't care. At 23 after my third child was born and I had withstood years of verbal, mental and physical abuse and my current husband and I reconnected on myspace... I went to the bar with him and a friend...and he said my kids and I should run away with him and be free of that hell from that night I've been with him... however... before we got married..... I went after girls like crazy... it's been 3 years since I've so much as kissed anyone but him... he's a great Dad to my kids... and a really great husband and my family loves him.. probably more than me.... thing is... My sexual interest isnt there... we are a great couple.. we don't really fight, we have a lot of the same interests and we work well together... however, sexually it's not there... at all... I feel horrible. I am beyond depressed and ending things isn't an option. I am a lesbian... nothing has ever compared... I tried to do what I thought was best for everyone and now I am stuck doing it. I cant afford to be a single Mom (literally) and we have worked very hard together to buy them a house and be a "normal" family... I have break downs all the time. The thing is everyone KNOWS... he KNOWS... that is the ONLY man I'd ever be with again... that it just isnt where my interests are.... my Mother is angry with me because it's been a hard struggle for me.. coming to terms with who I am hasn't been easy or very fun. I don't want to hurt anyone... so I sit and I battle myself on a daily basis. I am intimate even though I don't really want to be. I feel insanely alone and like the biggest jerk on the planet. :bang: