Sorry for the wall of text. There's a lot of info, not all directly related to coming out, but I didn't know where else to put it. To start off, I'm a 20 year old bisexual/gay/whatever male in college. I have one brother, who is gay. Me and him are the last in our lineage, if we don't have kids, then our family ceases to exist. My parents have made this well known growing up, and I feel like that's the only expectation they have for me in life is to one day have kids to continue the family name. Other than that, they just want me to be happy. But, my brother came out way before I did, and I have been in denial about my sexuality ever since I was 14. So to my parents, telling them I may not marry a girl one day, well that would be heartbreaking for them. They already encourage me to be the best I can be just because I am "straight". This is only one part of my story. So, freshman year of college comes along, I find myself meeting all new types of people, I like being in college! I make a group of friends, and we hang out a bunch. I have two main group of friends, the anime friends, and the social friends. My social friends are also in my major, and drink and party and whatnot. My anime friends do not party, but I love hanging out with them because they're awesome people. However, I put off hanging out with them because I really want to drink! I grew up in such a conservative household that I had never had alcohol before, and all of that went to hell when I had my first sip. Anyway, come sophomore year, me and the group of social friends have a dispute about school work, and they try to kick me out of the group for a bit. This leads me in to a depression, spending all of my time alone and just so sad. I tried to meet new people, but I just couldn't be myself anymore, I felt horrible. During these first two years of college, I repressed my sexuality just because I did not want to be gay. However, one of my friends in the anime group of friends is gay, and I made a profile on a gay dating site so I can learn more about him since we had grown apart a bit. Anyway, he was the first person I ever came out to. I had an enormous crush for him after that. Looking back, I wasn't too sure if it was the fact that I may have liked him, or just that I trusted him with such a big secret. That all happened maybe 8 months ago. After the school year ended, I spend a summer at an internship in a new city, make an awesome group of friends, and get pulled out of my depression and was happier than ever! Then come this new school year, I meet a new guy in my section of the marching band, lets call him J. At every band party we both attend, I always take time to stop and talk to him, and whatnot. He's a cool guy (although he smokes, but he sort of got me back in to the habit. But we sort of bonded over it), and after a while (a few drinks later at a party), he comes out to me. He expresses his anxiety about coming out to everybody at college, yet he was out back home. I chime in with how I am bisexual, and while I don't think anybody cares, I still haven't just because I'm scared too as well. He was the second person I ever came out to. After that, we flirted for a bit (I think? I was drunk). After that conversation, something clicked, and once again, I had a huge crush on the person I came out to. Except this time, something was different. I felt like I genuinely liked him, it wasn't the fact that I told him such a big secret, but like I actually wanted to date him. Ever since then, I have been constantly analyzing every interaction with him, thinking to myself "Was he flirting with me in X conversation" or "Does X imply he may like me", stuff like that. Like I really want him to like me back. However, being the socially awkward person I am, I am to shy to text him. However, every now and then, the thought of "What if he doesn't like me" creeps in to my mind and just really depresses me. On top of that, if he does like me, I would love to date him, but it wouldn't be a secret forever. Ever since coming to college, I was so scared of my sexuality that I actively denied being anything other than straight, even though many people could tell I wasn't. So having to confess to these people they were right would just destroy me. I only denied everything though because it seems like there are so many homophobes in my section of the band. The thought of having to come out seems nice because I wouldn't have to hide it, but it makes me wonder how many connections I may end up losing. I would come out for him, and then I think about how freeing coming out would be, but I don't want to do it until I have someone who it's worth it for. And then I think about how I need to come out finally, but then I just think about what will happen with everybody else, and it starts over again. In the end, I'm a wreck having to contemplate how I am going to come out, trying to judge whether not a guy likes me back, and on top of that, my group of friends are being weird again, so my depression is returning a bit. Then add in school to everything. I pretty much just needed to rant, but if anybody can chime in on anything, that would be great. Thanks Ninja Edit: It might also knowing this, I am a virgin still, mainly because I hate one night stands. I may be a member of a gay dating site, but everyone there only wants immediate sex. I want a relationship first.
Well let's get the parents thing out of the way first because it's going to be the most blunt response I'll make and it won't necessarily go down well. TO HELL WITH YOUR PARENTS. Allow me to elaborate. If your parents really only care about you as a tool to continue the family line then they are bad people. Very bad. Obviously you know them better than I do, but I'm guessing they aren't going to disown you or go insane knowing that you won't provide them with a biological child. HELLOOOO ADOPTION. But seriously, don't let them get in the way of you! You've done a lot to accept your own sexuality don't let them get in the way of it! Now on to the more caring responses! So it's good that you've recognized a difference between the two crushes you've had, and it's nice to see that you're thinking 'I would love to date you' before 'I could SO bang you' because it does make life a little easier when you're still working things out! Now I'm afraid I can't help you much in terms of this guy, I'm not better with people I like than you seem to be! However, I would like you to think about this: If you come out and a bunch of homophobes won't talk to you, are you REALLY losing anything? I realise that's oversimplifying it a bit and nobody wants to jump into the middle of a situation where they could potentially be picked on but seriously, it's not like you're missing a whole lot when a bunch a bunch of people who don't like you for no reason won't talk to you! Also, with all the people who knew you are gay, even though you said otherwise. They didn't know a damn thing and they have no right to tell you otherwise. Don't worry about having to confess that they were right and you were wrong. THEY WERE NOT RIGHT. I cannot stress that enough. They said a thing that turned out to be true, that doesn't mean they knew it all along, not do the have any right to make you feel bad for not accepting it earlier. It's a journey and you get there when YOU are ready, not when they tell you to! As for coming out, do what feels natural. Try sliding it into conversations with people you are comfortable with. Or failing that just tell a couple of people. Flirt with a guy! Word spreads! There are plenty of ways to go about it, but you just need to decide who you NEED to tell and why. To be honest you don't NEED to tell anyone, except maybe your parents if you feel like it. Everyone else could just find out when you get a boyfriend!
Everything you have said suggests that you are gay, not bisexual, so you need to have a serious silent talk with yourself, and come out to yourself before you come out to anyone else. I would suggest that you engage this new friend, whom you have come out to as bisexual, and see if that relationship will evolve. You each know that you are available to each other, so there is no reason not to see where it might go. If it does help you confirm your own sexuality, then you can break the news to your parents when you feel like you are ready to do so and certain about your own sexual identity. Just because you are gay, it does not mean that you will never marry or produce biological grandchildren, you just might do so via a surrogate instead of a woman you are married to; or you might adopt a child and give him your family name. Either way, how they accept your children as their own grandchildren will be their decision to make, not yours, and not something that you can control or need to worry about right now; you have enough on your plate to deal with. I second the suggestion that you discuss dealing with the parents with your brother; you will probably find an understanding and experienced ally there.
