so I'm in the process of writing out exactly what I'm going to say to my friends when I come out to them. I don't know exactly when I'm going to do it but it's going to be soon. I have completely shut them out of my life for the past 3 years, since I accepted myself, and I want to let them back in, but the only way to do that is to come out to them because I need their acceptance. my dad is really the only person I have to talk to about this stuff so I told him what I was doing all night (writing my come out speech to my friends). he's been really accepting of me but he keeps telling me I should wait until I meet someone before I tell everyone I'm gay. that way if no one accepts me and I lose my friends, ill still have a boyfriend. he says until then I should just go out with my friends, have fun, graduate from college, and get a good job. I get everything he's saying. I know I should stop ignoring my friends, I know I should go back to school and finish my last semester, and I know I should be happy and positive, but it's so much easier said than done. I can't go out with my friends because I'm always so depressed. I can't be myself with anyone and it's killing me. I need to know that my friends will still love me and accept me when I come out and until then I don't want to see them. I can't go back to school because this is the reason I dropped out in the first place. I can't focus at all. ever since I realized I'm gay it's all I think about. I'm not even interested in the program anymore. I've lost interest in a lot of things. I told him all of this but he just doesn't get it. I wish I had the strength to do these thing but I don't. I feel like comming out will make me stronger and more confident and he seems to think I will only get me hurt. he doesn't get that I'm hurting now though more than ever. he knows I have mental health issues but only suggests I go see a therapist. I don't want to though. I feel like all I need to do is tell people and be myself finally. right now I'm a mess. my emotions change so fast. sometimes I feel really confident and other times I just want to kill myself. the way I described my situation is that before I realised I was gay, everything was cool. I could be myself and not be so paranoid all the time. but now it's like everything is out there and I have to deal with it now only my life's only going to get worse. he told me if he was me he would have never said anything to his family and would have waited until he found someone. that really makes me feel like shit because I told him how much it meant to me when I told him I was gay and he accepted it. it makes me regret telling him and now I don't want to talk to him about this shit anymore. but then I don't really have anyone else to talk to. I think that's why I am here. another point he brought up is that if I do plan on telling my friends, I should tell my grandparents first because if I tell my 7 close friends, chances are at least one if them is going to tell someone else and people are going to find out eventually. I'm more scared to tell my family though. they are way more judgmental than my friends and I don't want to be anymore of an outcast at family events than I already am. I don't know what to do. I want to come out slowly but I don't think that's possible. and I don't know if I'm ready to jump all the way in at once. on top of all of this, I work full time at a job where people make gay jokes all the time and it just hurts my feelings. I mean they are all really good guys but they just don't understand what it's like to be gay and I get that. I also have the biggest crush on one of my coworkers who is probably straight and I just can't get him out of my mind. I think about him all the time and I want to tell him so badly how I feel. I just don't know what to do anymore about anything. I really just needed to get this off my chest so thanks for reading.
Your father is not you and this is not his journey so him telling you what he would do is irrelavant. I am sure he means to guide you and help you along, but telling you to hide further is causing pain to you. He is not gay, so he could not possibly know how this feels, so cut him a bit of slack. Have you told him how it hurts you to have to hide? He may not understand. My Mother told me that I had not found the right guy yet when I told her I thought I was a Lesbian. I decided to hide after that, and to this day she feels so guilty for not understanding, and not being there for me. I have forgiven her for things she didn't know about, she had yet to forgive herself. I would say tell your friends first, and not your Grands yet. Your friends will support you, and you will need that if you are outted and need a few pals to help you feel accepted. Grands on the other hand, may be really upset about it, unless they already suspect. Come out to those you know will support you, first. However, be very cautious who you tell at this time, you don't own anyone an explanation on who you are. Once you tell someone, you can't take it back, so make sure you want them to know.
thanks for the response lipstick leuger. I do get that he will never understand what it's like to be gay but I have cut him enough slack. he knows how much pain I'm in but still isn't making the process any easier for me. I tell him what will help and he disagrees and gets mad. so of course I get mad and we start arguing. it just really sucks because he's the only person I have to talk to and we don't really see eye to eye on this. I would love to just tell my friends and wait a bit to tell my family but now my dad has really given me no choice. he said to let him know when I tell my friends so that he can tell my grandparents for me. that's not fair. he knows I don't want them to know so that's his way of keeping me from telling my friends. it's like he's just forcing me back into the closet.
It is not your dad's place to tell you who to come out to or when or in what order. You are a legal adult and can speak to whomever you choose in any way you choose. Your dad may have accepted that you are gay, but it sounds like he hasn't accepted that there is nothing wrong with being gay. Come out to your friends or relatives, or whoever else you want to come out to in the way that feels best to you. There is no need to talk to your father about it unless you want to inform him as a courtesy after the fact. And then only if you feel like it. Todd
I'll echo the responders above, in that you need to challenge your father's assumption that you will lose all your friends (ridiculous) of you come out to them. You need to point out (actually you don't, as Todd says, so you could do this as a courtesy) that there are some very important benefits to coming out and that you need to do this for your own sanity.
I know exactly how you feel. When I told my mom, she was accepting of the fact that I thought I was bi, but I don't think she really believed it. She gave me this big speech about how "the great thing about liking guys is that you can have kids and fulfill your life" and how I "couldn't possibly know yet" and that I'm probably just going through a phase and all this crazy stuff that made me feel like shit. But even though she didn't (and I think still doesn't) understand, and she certainly didn't want me coming out because she thinks I'm mistaken (not wrong, just mistaken), I came out anyway. I came out to like...everyone at school, all of my friends, and it made me feel way WAY better because not one of them has made fun of me or dropped contact with me or anything. So I'd say, go for it and don't tell your dad. My mom certainly doesn't know that anyone outside of herself knows, and that's fine. Hope I helped
thank you all for your responses. they were all very helpful. I've decided that I'm going to go through with telling my friends and my dad probably won't be hearing about it. I know I shouldn't get upset with him but it's just so frustrating when you try explaining something to someone and they don't get it. I mean, I guess he's just doing his job. I came to him with a problem, and as a parent he's just trying to find a solution to that problem. what he doesn't get is that I'm the only one with the solution and I don't need him to try and fix anything for me. I just need him to listen and understand but his parenting instincts are taking over. I hope I'm doing the right thing by telling my friends though. I know they would never actually desert me and they will all probably still accept me, but I'm just worried that they will look at me differently.
Fact is, they will look at you differently, they will have a better understanding of who you are...here's the thing: you will be different too! Probably happier, freer, more fun to be with...and more honest. They will see you differently because you will indeed be different!
